Fiance dosen't like my family

[shorty20]

is there anythign you can do when your fiance dosen't like spending time with your family? I'm very close with my family and love being around them (for the most part) but my fiance dosen't like my dad or my sister. He talks bad about them sometimes (alot of what he says is true, but not really necessary to blurt out) and it hurts to think that he may never be close with my family like i am. Anyone else ever been through this with your bf/fiance/husband not getting along with your family? How did you handle it?? My fiance is never rude to my family's face, and he loves my mom and my older sister... he just talks about my sister and my dad in ways that I don't like at all! I hate hearing my loved ones talked about like that and I've told him that. He says he'll stop and that he's sorry, but he always slips back into old ways! ](*,) What can I do to make him understand?

[annie24]

erm. it's a red flag. he is talking this way about the people you love? bad. at the very least, he could express his concerns in a more constructive manner.

[silky88]

my boyfriend doesn't like my mom all that much (she's too religious and he always feels like he needs to be on his best behavior around her). but he doesn't speak insultingly of her he just says he has more fun with his own family.

 

i wouldn't put up with him trash-talking, but it's fine if they don't get along. you can't MAKE people like each other, or this site would never exist.

 

your situation sounds like the age-old in-laws problem that so many people have dealt with. but put your foot down about the rudeness. explain to him that he is welcome to his opinion, but you don't want to hear it, and you won't stand for it. if he respects you, he'll respect your right to be free of hearing people revile your relatives.

 

and if he doesn't respect you enough to control himself, maybe rethink the wedding.

[BornToResist]

I agree with annie24. HUGE red flag.

 

The only bf I had who talked bad about my family turned out to be disasterous. If he can't even respect you enough to deal with the fact that they're going to be around and that's that, well...that's something I would SERIOUSLY reconsider, knowing what I know now.

 

Just gonna add this in there...

One of the signs of a controlling guy is when they try to get you to "turn" on those that you love...they try to isolate you in a sense..

 

Be careful.

[shorty20]

thats what I thought too. but is controlling always bad? I've wondered this. I've always gone for men who knew what they wanted. Men who wern't afraid to voice their opinions... and now I have one. I dont' let him isolate me from anyone I love. If he refuses to see my family, I go by myself... I WON"T give in and just say "ok hunny, we can do what you want to"... at the same time.. most of the stuff he says is true to some extent, I just don't like hearing my family tlaked about like that. When I say "I dont' talk about your family or friends like that" he comes back saying "well thats because my family and friends are all cool and there's nothing bad to say about them" well... I guess everyone has their own opinion but it irritates me that his opinion seems to be fact in his eyes. If he feels one way that thats the way it should be.... I guess maybe he thinks I'm joking when I tell him to stop. Maybe I should just sit him down and make sure he knows I'm being serious. Make sure he knows how much it bothers me.... and go from there I guess.

[flower99]

Completely agree with the other posters.

HUGE RED FLAG!!! doesn't he also hate your best friend? and threw his fist over it.

If he can't respect & love the most important people in your life...that's serious.

[annie24]

what exactly are his complaints about your family? do you think there is some truth in the complaints? do you think he could be stating his view more gently?

 

and yes, controlling is bad. you are not an animal in a cage.

[BornToResist]

I think a man who knows what he wants is COMPLETELY different from a controlling one, although they seem similar at first. Don't be confused, they are way different!

 

It is NOT okay to talk about your family, truth or not.

 

Also, it's not okay to justify it that way either.

 

Even if you HATED his family with a passion for whatever reasons, wouldn't you put in an effort considering they are close to the one you love? He should want to get along...it just seems so off.

 

My ex talked bad about my family too and I put up with it. I'd go home without him and visit them. But eventually it will be a much bigger issue. What about when you have kids and want to go visit your family for the holidays, and he doesn't want to, etc...?

[flower99]

I dont' let him isolate me from anyone I love. If he refuses to see my family, I go by myself....

 

Is that what you really want to happen? is that how you see your future, wouldn't you want a man who loves your family...because it hasn't even been 1 year together, in 10 years he may refuse to see your family, and it may become you going alone. And when you have children, what will you tell them about why daddy doesn't come to see them? and what will he tell them about grandpa & aunty?

 

completely agree with Born to Resist

[applepie]

I hated my ex boyfriend's family. In all honesty, they were the reason we used to fight so much. In the end, it didn't work out because of them. They were awful. They increased my stress level 10-fold.

 

I know what I just said it not very constructive, sorry...

[shikashika]

this is not a red flag..

 

 

it is a BIG BLACK FLAG!!!!!!

 

do not think ' oh he will change once he gets to knwo them

 

I think it is highly disrespectful of him to put down your family, those who you love... he CAN help it..

[shorty20]

there is truth to the things he says, this is why I have such a hard time with this, not knowing what to do or say. My dad is very controlling and overprotective, and I'm the baby... naturally he isn't jumping for joy that i'm getting married and moving accross the country. My dad is also very religious and he tends to force that on other people making it almost uncomfortable to have a conversation with at times. I don't always agree with my dad, but I still respect him, and although my fiance dosen't refuse to go to family things with me I fear he may down the road....

[shikashika]

there is truth to the things he says, this is why I have such a hard time with this, not knowing what to do or say. My dad is very controlling and overprotective, and I'm the baby... naturally he isn't jumping for joy that i'm getting married and moving accross the country. My dad is also very religious and he tends to force that on other people making it almost uncomfortable to have a conversation with at times. I don't always agree with my dad, but I still respect him, and although my fiance dosen't refuse to go to family things with me I fear he may down the road....

 

 

an honest question, do you really believe your dad to be like that? or is this what your boyfriend says?

 

do you feel like in the above paragraph you are defending your dad or your boyfriend?.

 

I can understand if your father is trying to 'force' a religionon your boyfriend.... that woudl be frustrating for me too

[BornToResist]

Okay this is what I always get told from this site...

 

Stop making excuses for him.

 

He's doing something that bothers you and that's okay. It doesn't matter if there is TRUTH to it...bottom line is they are your family, your blood. You SHOULDN'T be okay with someone talking badly about them, truth or no truth.

[RayKay]

So what are you going to do when you have kids, and he still talks bad about them in front of the kids, or decides the KIDS cannot see their family?

 

 

Seriously Shorty, sometimes partners and families don't get along like fish and water however this does not justify them talking bad about either of them. I would not put up with a partner talking bad about my family, nor with my family talking bad about my partner (except for out of care and concern and not put downs).

 

One cannot not agree with their views, or certain things they do or have done and certainly they should not ignore abuseful situations and so on. But even if they disagree with them they should still respect them, and realize they are YOUR family.

 

To me, part of marriage is also about bringing family together. Now in some cases this is impossible, but how would you feel if you felt you were always having to pick sides or make a choice between the two?

 

 

I worry too as this relationship is still very new, and if these flags are showing now, what next? What will come out after you are married?

[rmpavlock]

I have to agree with other posters that that's a red flag. This is the person you will be spending the rest of your life with. Do you want to have that split between him and your family always? It doesn't sound like he's being very respectful and I would really think before anything else happens. They are your family and that should matter to him A LOT!

[Hope75]

I worry too as this relationship is still very new, and if these flags are showing now, what next? What will come out after you are married?

 

How long have you been with your fiance?

 

I worry too becaues you plan to marry him and what happens when he tells you that he doesn't want his kids around their aunt or grandfather? Would you rather divorce him then, then break it off now?

 

Rubbing his dislikes about your family in your face when he knows how you feel about them is extremely disrespectful.

[BornToResist]

Just curious...what does your family think of him?

[Day_Walker]

My concern is that if what he is saying is true then the only problem you have is that you dont care to accept what he says. You cannot accept this because you feel they are your family and this makes them immune to criticism. You can either accept that he is going to make these comments or see this as a sign that you two arent going to walk down the aisle.

[Aurian]

My ex-husband did not like my family either, even though they bent over backwards to make him welcome when we got married. Suddenly they were awful people who wanted to control me. He obsessed over little things and wouldn't let things go. The things he complained about had a germ of truth (albeit twisted and blown out of proportion) which had me trying to understand him and work with him.

 

At the end, he had me agreeing that my family would never be welcome in our house, and that I could see them on my own only once a month. ANYTHING to stop the endless fighting!

 

Course, then he focused all his vemon on ME....

 

And that, shall we say, is that.

 

He does not have to worship the ground your family walks on. But dammit, I learned the lesson - he has to respect that you love your family and accept that.

[Momene]

My family can be difficult but my wife seems to exagerrate and make more of a problem than there really is. I often feel torn between my wife and family and can feel very lonely.

 

I sometimes wonder if my wife is deliberately trying to isolate me in order to control me, as I don't have any friends.

 

I think this is a very common problem.

[flower99]

My family can be difficult but my wife seems to exagerrate and make more of a problem than there really is. I often feel torn between my wife and family and can feel very lonely.

 

I sometimes wonder if my wife is deliberately trying to isolate me in order to control me, as I don't have any friends.

 

I think this is a very common problem.

 

I am so sorry Momene. that's got to be hard & lonely.

 

Have you told her how it makes you feel?

 

 

 

Shorty...this seems like the beginning of a long hard road. it began with your best friend & now your family.

He's showing you his colors, don't dismiss them....Keep your eyes open.

Listen to what your head is telling you. Your heart may mislead you.

[redrose85]

Shorty- been there. Though it is now an overused phrase, this is a huge red flag. Please listen to us. I had a bf who started talking smack about my family early on, and isolated me so much that I cut them from my life, because he had me so convinced that his opinions about them were correct. I have seen my mother twice in 3.5 years since then, only by chance or by necessity and we haven't spoken more than 2 or 3 words each time. I've tried to make amends, but I don't think that it will ever be healed for me. Needless to say, this guy put my through hell, I lost everyone I ever loved, and when he was done with them, he turned on me. Does your fiance also have a hard time keeping friends? That is also a huge red flag. A man who loves you doesn't have to love or even like your family, but he HAS to respect them. Even when I get pissed off at my family at how broken we are now, etc... he never says one bad word, and his family is less than perfect, but I would never ever put them down. Please think about this before you take that trip down the aisle. We are really worried for you.

[RockChickKim]

I think it's a bit out of order if your fiance just doesn't like your family and speaks badly about them without trying to improve the situation.

 

I'm in a situation where my in-laws-to-be dislike me strongly with no reason and have forced us to postpone our wedding by creating so many problems.

 

Oh for a world where everyone got along.

 

 

 

Kim

[Momene]

Well I'm a huge red flag, then, as I don't seem to be able to make or keep many friends. I do agree the my family can be difficult. For example, if I go to Mum with a problem, she always finds a way to turn it round to being my fault. I did have a problem with my brother and are only just on diplomatic terms but I thin k my wife sometimes plays on any issues I have with them.