contemplating divorce

[comairboy77]

Hey everybody I hope you all can help me. I have been married 10yrs which have been a rollercoaster. We were young when we got married she was 17 and I was 19. She was pregnant and we didnt want our kids to grow up in a broken home like we did.Well about 4 or 5 yrs ago I was gone on a business trip and cheated on her. I felt so bad i was going to leave then. She felt devastated. We workd through that and stayed together. then she started hanging out with some friends in a karaoke bar and met this guy of race who liked to sing as well. she got drunk and slept with him. i didnt know about him until she slep with him 2 times and got pregnant. i found out that info christmas eve 2002. she had the child and put it up for adoption and resented me for that. We moved out of state to work on our marriage.it seemed to work but my job moved me back. She started hanging out in the bars and clubs again. It is now 2006 and i just found out that my wife is attracted to women and has had another affair with a women who is of race and 40.she fuses to se a counselor. I am currently living in florida and she and the 3 kids we have are in virginia. I am fed up with everything because she wont stop seeing the woman even though she says they are just friends now and nothing is going on. she says to separate and try that first but i dont want that. i want 2 be with her full time or away froim her fulltime. ](*,)

[rose2summer]

Wow, well, her sexual inclinations towards men and women is sure to create a bridge between you two.

 

The moral of the story is that you both cheated on each other.

 

That wreaked havok on you both and created a huge ridge.

 

Unless you are able to truly communicate about your feelings (what led each of you to cheat), I think it will be hard to reconcile here.

 

Hugs, Rose

[AwdreeHpburn]

comair - Welcome to ENA I hope we can help you too!

 

This sounds like a very difficult and conveluted situation. I'm really sorry for all you're going through.

 

You have 3 kids? Is that right? Me too.....

 

And you live separate part of the time because of work?

 

Is there any way you could move back with her permanantly or she could travel with you so you could all live together no matter where you are? Maybe you need a little solidarity or a trial separation where you live apart so that its more as you said - either together or apart.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i wouldn't normally advise a divorce straight off, but she is hanging out in bars, having frequent sexual contact with other people, has someone else's baby while married to you, and is now having an affair with a woman whom she refuses to give up... and i really wouldn't believe the 'just friends now' part considering her history. and of course she is also refusing marriage counseling when it is obviously called for...

 

my gut feeling here says she is not willing to give up the security of marriage (financial or otherwise), but is dating freely behind your back and doing whatever she pleases, especially with you in a distant state.

 

And the fact that she won't attend marriage counseling makes me think she doesn't want to work on improving or changing the marriage, she just wants to keep the status quo. A trial separation in this case is probably just a stalling tactic, where she hopes you will calm down and go back to business as usual (which sounds like you letting her run around and cheat on you).

 

so i would try a few more times to get her into counseling, and if not, i would consult an attorney to discuss a legal separation and divorce. you also might want to talk to a counselor by yourself to give you suppport in the divorce, and help you get your children through the difficult times if you really feel a divorce is in order.

 

btw, i hope you have had yourself tested for STDs... she is having unprotected sex with multiple people it appears, and you need to protect your own health.

[comairboy77]

I told her that she had to give me answer by Monday the 27th because i didnt want to keep dragging this out was that the right thing to do.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i would advise you to talk to a lawyer if you are seriously considering this... about things like which state to file in etc. since you are living in two different states. some states have better/worse divorce, child support payments, etc. laws, so i would investigate this.

 

if she gets the jump on you and files first in a state other than where you live, it make make it more complicated for you. the divorce is usually handled out of wherever it is first filed if you are living in two places... she could also request full physical custody of the kids so you have limited access, especially if you are in another state, or get an order that you're not allowed to take them out of the state she lives in... so if she doesn't agree to get back together and work on this with you, you're probably better getting legal advice and moving forward...

 

if you're not living together now and she has the kids with her, most like she will get full custody until the divorce is decided. so depending on if you want to try to get custody of the kids or not, you probably should talk to a lawyer about what's the best thing to do, especially with you in different states.

[comairboy77]

Well I got a lawyer when i found out about the second affair because she had said she was getting one. She got mad about that because she said i didnt love her and she was just running her mouth. I know I have the heads up on this situation because she cant afford a lawyer. I am going to fight for full custody of the kids because I feel like she wont really fight me that hard

[Survictor]

I think you should point all this out to her. It will surely be a huge, nasty mess and your children don't deserve to be in the thick of it... and they will.

[comairboy77]

She called me last night from virginia and she was with that * * * * * of a girl. the both were drunk and she said that she has been cheating on me the whole year. and that she did not love me and she never has. i said that was fine and that what ever she said did not bother me. and now she is on her way down to florida to get her stuff. She also told me that she has a mark on her neck. We all know waht that is soi she ask me not to get mad. little does she know is that i went to my lawyer today and stated the process. she is in for a rude awakening. she is going to be served while she is down in florida and she has no money for a lawyer. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .I hope to get full custody of the kids and child support.

[comairboy77]

pardon my word i was writing what i was thinking

[jengh]

oh my god...she sounds heartless. i'm so sorry you have to go through all of this. and good for you for wanting full custody. with as much as it sounds like she goes to bars and clubs, she isn't home a lot and probably not very responsible.