online boyfriend? what?

[On The Road]

i honestly 100% don't understand. someone please tell me how the whole thing about loving someone without meeting them is possible.

 

my best friend in the entire world has just told me that she is in love with this boy she met over the internet.

 

since like july. but is just now telling me because she thought i would aparently "hate" her.

 

she says she loves him. i can't understand. i just don't. she's never met him, and uhhhhhhh. i don't know how to act. because now she's posting pictures and things about how much she loves him.

 

how am i supposed to act about something i don't get nor approve?

[melrich]

I guess she does not need your approval and you don't have to give it. So probably the best way to handle it is on this matter keep your thoughts to yourself.

[annie24]

oh, I agree with you.

 

At least your friend is 17, and she is probably a little naive and has an excuse. but by the time you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s...! I hope they would know that you can't love someone until you meet them face to face. and even then, it takes a while to get to know someone in person.

 

after all, how does she KNOW he is who he says he is? he could be a 50 year old woman playing a joke! or a 12 year old boy playing a joke! it sure does happen. people misrepresent themselves all the time, or *forget* to mention their spouse.

 

I would encourage her to meet him in person (safely!) before she gets too attached.

[MiquelAngelo]

If you really care about her be honest. I once had a girl fall in love with me online and I actually asked her how that was possible? How can you fall in love with someone you've never met? Anyway after breaking her heart (with that comment) she finally realized I was right. If I had been a jerk I would've taken her for a ride, but I was honest and told her we'd have to meet and share some face to face time before I can fall in love with her. That was back in 2000 and we still haven't met. She actually got married back in 2003.

Just be honest with your friend. Tell her now! don't let her find out later in life. Even if she is only in her teens the pain will not be less if she were 40.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I agree that she should find a really safe way to meet him, and get it done soon. Until then she should not tell him too much, such as her address, her last name, her high school. The guy could be a stalker. Anyway, she might benefit from finding out if it's real asap. I'd hate to think she is turning away from real life possibilities for someone who may not even be a match for her.

[Jayar]

You CANNOT love someone you have never met. And you really cannot love someone you've only seen for a grand total of maybe a month over an entire year either. In general, you can't "love" someone in the context of a relationship unless you're local and see one another during good times, during hardships, on each partner's turf, have a few arguments, and generally get to observe one anothers' behaviour for a period of time.

 

Your friend is setting herself up for some major disappointment if she isn't careful.

[Sheyda]

I don't know if my boyfriend and I are exceptions here, but we fell in love online after speaking to each other for five months. We couldn't keep up regular physical meetings seeing as he lived on the other side of the world, but we met in person after those five months for one week. Two months or so later he stayed with my family over Christmas and then I stayed with his family over New Year's and eventually I moved in with him. I still felt exactly the same way I felt about him online after we had met. He was exactly the same as online and the only difference was I could see him and how he moved; his mannerisms and so forth. Those tiny things don't make much of a difference as to how I feel about him. We've been together well over a year now and everything has been great; no fights, no arguments. Only a few misunderstandings and most of those happened when we could only communicate online and were stressed out with other things.

 

On The Road - Have you ever been in love yourself? I am asking you this because I want to know what you think people fall in love with? Is it a person's appearance? Do they fall in love with the way a person walks down a street? With their clothes? With their mannerisms? With their hairstyle? Maybe after falling in love they do find all of these things endearing somehow, but that isn't what makes them fall in love with a person as a whole. The person themselves is what makes them fall in love. When you're talking to a person online, that is all you see; the person behind all of those things. I hope this makes some sense to you.

 

However, I still second what everyone has said about the guy possibly being someone he is not. With my boyfriend I knew he was who he said he was (had pictures of him and his family and so on) and even when I told him my dad would be wanting to see his passport when we met, he didn't back down and disappear into cyberspace. Have they ever chatted over webcam so she knows any pictures he has sent are definitely him?

[NoComply]

im in a similar situation.

one of my best friends is going out with a girl in america

we live in england

 

they were going out for a good 3 months before he went over to america to see her

 

i dont have a problem with it personally, but only because i know my friend, and know that this is something he needs to do on his own.

giving opinions or making them feel bad about it isnt going to help in the slightest.

 

support your friend, and do whats best for them, not for what you believe.

 

im even thinking of going with him next time he goes over there. as he doesnt really want to go over alone again. hah.

 

hope i helped

[Batya33]

All you can do is listen and give advice only if she asks! Obviously, the love she feels is for the image she has of him from typing and talking - she has no idea whether they will be romantically compatible in person - she hasn't spent time with him in person and that is the only way you know - consistent in person time over time - whether the love feelings translate into reality. She doesn't know what his vibes, body language, energy, presense, manners, mannerisms, are like. she has never seen him in front of waiters, family, friends, co-workers, strangers, how he is when he drives, waits in line, etc.

Very little actually to do with his looks or body but of course those are factors too. She probably thinks that what they have is "deeper" because she loves him without having ever seen him but the point is most of that is fantasy.

 

but you cannot tell her that unless she asks. as far as the pictures, etc understand that most people who are content in their relationships - and truly in love - do not have to broadcast it all over the internet or to their friends - she is in love with the romance and this makes her feel like a person who matters. That is sad.

 

And if it doesn't work out (most of these do not) you cannot say "I told you so." However you can interfere if she is going to do something unsafe like meet him other than in a public place with her own car.

[Batya33]

That's a great story! I would say you are the exception though and that of course you would not have agreed to move in with him before you met him (as in, you saw the importance of meeting/spending time in person)

 

I do not believe that in love feelings that grow from typing and talking are enough to base romantic compatibility on - I do not believe that is where yu see the real or whole person for purposes of a romantic relationship (platonic is a different story).

 

You fall in love with the person inside, of course, and you cannot know the person inside from typing and talking no matter what you type and talk about. Since we are humans, we need some form of in person contact to know the person inside as well whether that has to do with eye contact (and not by web cam), body language, their energy or presense.

 

it's not about you being "deeper" and those who change when they meet in person being more "shallow" because the feelings change. I would agree with that if the reasons were solely based on looks, features, etc - that would tend to be more shallow. I also do not believe that long, intense deep conversations take the place of in person time together if you want to see if you are romantically compatible.

 

I know I met many men in person after talking on the phone and would never have known that they had an air of hostility beneath the surface (only noticeable in person), or depression, or that they slouched when they walked and otherwise seemed insecure in their own skin, or that he would lean all the way accross the small table directly into my space, making me feel overwhelmed and controlled. Many other examples like that including rudeness to waiters, strangers, etc.

 

Perhaps those types of things don't matter to everybody - maybe they only matter to me. But when I choose a life partner I cannot fall in love unless I get to know the whole person, and that includes those things that you cannot know until you spend consistent in person time together. At least to me!

 

You are lucky that in person you felt the same but to me that is more of a lucky coincidence than based on the typing/talking. My guess is that you would not have agreed to move in with him just based on typing/talking.

[Sheyda]

I do not believe that in love feelings that grow from typing and talking are enough to base romantic compatibility on - I do not believe that is where yu see the real or whole person for purposes of a romantic relationship (platonic is a different story).

 

You fall in love with the person inside, of course, and you cannot know the person inside from typing and talking no matter what you type and talk about. Since we are humans, we need some form of in person contact to know the person inside as well whether that has to do with eye contact (and not by web cam), body language, their energy or presense.

 

That's your opinion, not mine. An opinion can easily be a fact for one person, but even if that is the case, it is not a fact that can be generalised to everybody.

 

it's not about you being "deeper" and those who change when they meet in person being more "shallow" because the feelings change. I would agree with that if the reasons were solely based on looks, features, etc - that would tend to be more shallow. I also do not believe that long, intense deep conversations take the place of in person time together if you want to see if you are romantically compatible.

 

I never said anything about anybody being "deep" or "shallow" and none of what I posted was meant to be interpreted in that way.

 

I know I met many men in person after talking on the phone and would never have known that they had an air of hostility beneath the surface (only noticeable in person), or depression, or that they slouched when they walked and otherwise seemed insecure in their own skin, or that he would lean all the way accross the small table directly into my space, making me feel overwhelmed and controlled. Many other examples like that including rudeness to waiters, strangers, etc.

 

I'll just say that I am a very intuitive person and that I can usually pick up on these things even if we never meet in person. I already felt from talking to my boyfriend that he was a little insecure, nervous, that he felt more than friendship but was shy to take things further and that overall he was a kind-hearted and genuine person. Perhaps I am a little more sensitive to these things than most, perhaps I am subconsciously analysing everything using psychology I've learnt, or maybe I am just weird, but that's how it was for me.

 

Perhaps those types of things don't matter to everybody - maybe they only matter to me. But when I choose a life partner I cannot fall in love unless I get to know the whole person, and that includes those things that you cannot know until you spend consistent in person time together. At least to me!

 

You are assuming that what is true for you when getting to know someone is also true for me, when it is not. This is why you are having some trouble understanding me; you are you and I am me. We're two different people, so of course we are going to sense things in very different ways. Maybe you cannot "get a hold" of a person as a whole through online communication, but there are some who can.

 

You are lucky that in person you felt the same but to me that is more of a lucky coincidence than based on the typing/talking. My guess is that you would not have agreed to move in with him just based on typing/talking.

 

I was already ready to give up everything for him before we met, as silly as it might sound to some.

[Batya33]

I do not agree that being an intuitive person has anything much to do with whether you can confirm romantic compatibility through on line contact only or typing/talking/webcam. I know of many people who are highly intuitive - and still for obvious reasons they may have thought they were in love based on long periods of on line contact but when they met the person - who had not mislead them in any way - the in person contact demonstrated that the in love feelings they felt did not translate into romantic compatibility. Nothing to do with looks, either.

 

That's all I meant - that the notion that those who believe they can tell all they need to know through typing and talking somehow have superior senses of intuition, or have better communication - or better anything - is a notion that I disagree with based on my experiences as well as many others' experiences.

 

I do agree that those people (not you!) who are emotionally unstable as in terribly desperate, lonely, needy, depressed will continue to believe they are in love when they meet in person because they feel they have to have that mindset for sheer survival. Often those relationships end badly or are abusive because the person is so weak and fragile he/she will tolerate that type of treatment just to avoid being alone. I realize that is not the case with you at all, just giving an exception to what I said above.

 

I am glad you had a good experience and yes your explanation was telling - made me realize that our standards are very different. I would never be willing to give up "everything" for someone I had never met in person. I may have that romantic notion but I am too practical minded - and have values and goals that would be inconsistent with my being willing to do that. I would not want to be in a relationship with a person who felt that way about me before meeting me in person because it would make me uncomfortable and raise all sorts of red flags for me.

 

Have a great holiday and best of luck!

[Sheyda]

Well, I have no problem with you believing that I am wrong; I still believe my feelings led me to the right decisions in relation to this and nothing is going to change my mind on that unless my boyfriend suddenly turns into a completely different person and leaves me to die in a ditch somewhere. Even if the relationship ends, I wouldn't change my mind because it has been a wonderful experience and I have learnt some valuable things about life and myself.

 

I think you have made a good point with your paragraph about those who end up in abusive relationships. I think that younger people and immature people can be quite vulnerable to ending up in these kinds of relationships. In fact I knew one girl who had already allowed herself to get involved with men twice her age (when she was 12) and is constantly moving from man to man, week after week, every time trying to convince herself that she has found "the love of her life". This type of person can easily fall prey to online predators.

 

If my boyfriend ever threatened and/or hit me I would be straight back to England. I've already had a tough enough life and I am smart enough to know that I deserve a good relationship (especially after what I've been through) and to be able to tell the difference between when I am infatuated and when I am falling in love with somebody.

 

I was always practical minded and before I met him I would have never dreamed of dropping everything for a man (even if he was wonderful)! It never even crossed my mind when I thought I was in love with another person before (I later realised it was only infatuation). I suppose real love can change a lot of things (for me, anyway).

 

Actually, my boyfriend said he had fallen for me before I had fallen for him and to be honest it did make me a little uncomfortable as that happened so quickly (from my point of view), but it never raised red flags for various reasons. Now, if it was like other people I had chatted to online who claimed to "love" me after only knowing three things about me and wanted to marry me after only 10 minutes of chat, then I would feel worried.

 

Sorry if this sounds rude, but I have the feeling you find all of this somewhat ridiculous. However, I don't mind as I am glad that you're being polite and respectful in sharing your views. It's nice to know people out there still have respect for others even when they have such different opinions.

[Batya33]

I absolutely respect that you believed you were in love and had loving feelings for your boyfriend before you met him in person. I do not find that ridiculous at all. You and I agree that you would have never officially agreed to live with him before meeting him in person and spending time with him in person.

 

The only thing I do not agree with is that your learning that your feelings for him through typing and talking translated for you into those same feelings when you met in person was as a result of your having superior intuition, forms of communication or anything you did that was more effective than anyone else trying to decide whether someone is right for them. I simply think you two were lucky that the feelings you had for him on line were consistent with the feelings you had for him in person.

 

I do not think there is any way to tell from typing and talking whether in person those in love or love feelings will be there, be the same, weaker, stronger whatever. You can hope and make assumptions and predictions but before you spend time in person consistently and over a period of time I do not think you can know much that is relevant about whether what the two of you have is a long term romantic relationship. I would go so far as to say that the online time doesn't really count as time getting to know each other for purposes of a romantic (as opposed to platonic) relationship.

 

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule. I'm not trying to be "right" just giving my opinion based on substantial knowledge of on line interactions.

 

I'm only talking - as you are - in terms of long term relationships - if two people want a fling and feel there is chemistry from on line it is an easy enough leap from there into the bedroom.

 

I would be interested to know if the two of you do last long term but I guess I won't ;-). I know of another story like yours, also involving a long distance England -based relationship.

 

Good luck to both of you!

[Sheyda]

We are going to have to agree to disagree on most of these things. Although you may have had a lot of knowledge regarding others' online relationships, no one knows my feelings and personal experiences better than I do.

 

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule. I'm not trying to be "right" just giving my opinion based on substantial knowledge of on line interactions.

 

May I ask why you continue to disagree with my opinion and provide evidence against it if you are only trying to voice an opinion yourself?

 

I would be interested to know if the two of you do last long term but I guess I won't ;-).

 

If you plan on sticking around ENA for a long time I am sure you will know if all goes well or not!

[Batya33]

I'm only providing my opinion and my opinion is based on my own experiences and hundreds of others. Your experiences are your own of course but we agree to disagree that you think the reason you were successful in your case is because of some level of intuition or level of communication skills you had.

[NoComply]

i think your looking for a particular answer here

 

you seem to criticise ppl trying to help you