Down I go..

[Stambler]

I know, I know.....

 

Been there, still there sometimes.

 

My advice - live for the moment! I used to require everything in my life to be sorted before I could enjoy myself. You have to learn to "compartmentalize" your life. It isn't easy at first, it's actually very forced and feels wrong. I can tell you at first you will merely be going through the motions of "having fun", but I promise you'll learn an almost zen-like approach to this.

 

So, how do ya do that? Ponder the moment, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not even an hour ago or an hour ahead. Look around you, what do you see? Are there any threats looming within that short peiod of time - doubt it. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo, do something! Put every single other thought out of your head and do something fun, something constructive, what the hell, something naughty! Force yourself to get out of the house and talk to a neighbor, do a good deed, volunteer in a soup kitchen... how 'bout painting over some of those hideous colors she picked out for the house - go on, choose a manly color, something a realator would tell you isn't "neutral enough"!!!! Or, you can always break dishes against the wall - LOL!

 

What have you ALWAYS wanted to do that you held back on because of her? DO IT! ENJOY IT! Bask in your freedom!!!!!

 

 

Push yourself John, force yourself. Soon you wil have hours, days, weeks of living for the moment!

 

Oh, it won't feel right at first, but trust me, it gets better!!!

 

We love ya buddy

[LONESOUL]

Hi John~once again Camber is on the money. (I need that money Camber..by the way..can you get up??lol) You have to fake it for a while, push yourself, force yourself into the "zen" like condition Camber speaks of. It's "auto pilot" but, it flying. You'll do this for a while and then one day you will realize, you're smiling, or your laughing~and you are not forcing it. I know for me no matter how busy I made by body (not sitting home alone, working out...) my mind kept going back to the relationship. I kept playing that same old movie over and over again in my head....asking the same questions and "what if's". That went nowhere for me. Although it is important to sort out the aspects of your relationship...eventually for me, it became a harmful way of just spinning my wheels. I had to FORCE the realtionship out of my thoughts completely, everytime I thought about it for a while...

Also, as I believe Camber has suggested, find ways to enjoy your new freedom. My ex hated action movies...one day I went out and rented 6

of them, ones I had not seen and had wanted to for years. It felt pretty good. It was just one little step...but it was one of many...and hopefully many more.Keep posting~ keep reading!

Take Good Care

Lone

[Vynde]

Hello again..

 

I had a bad day yesterday.. I found out that a family member of mine saw my wife… They say she was only with her mother, but is was enough to send my spiraling down When I got home from work; I started to call my friends, trying to make plans so I wouldn't alone. to no avail.. all had something going on or working.. so I was alone when I really shouldn't have been..

 

I can't begin to explain the pain I'm in.. I feel im getting worse by the day. I started on meds last Thursday, Wellbutrin… but I don't feel the effects yet, as the doctor said 15-30 days..

 

I want so bad to e-mail her, tell hr how much I miss her and love,.. I have so many questions..

Why did she do this? Why is she being so mean and cold to me after I have been nothing but kind for the 6 years we were together, even when she left me.. Why doesn't she even try to contact me or see how I'm doing.. I can't picture my life without her and really don't want to.

 

She was my first real love, and I feel that Ill never be able to heal and move on, not to mention ever find anyone again. I am very self-conscious and its hard for me to meet woman being like that.. I can't see anyone ever wanting me.. Maybe that's why it's so hard to let go, and maybe im holding on for the wrong reasons?

 

I don't even know what to think anymore.. I'm so upset today – I don't want to do this anymore.

[LONESOUL]

Hi John. Sorry you had a bad day yesterday. It can be so difficult when you

are in NC and hear little tibits of their life. I totally understand. It sometimes

doesn't take much to feel that wave of depression hitting once again. But hey~

you made it through last night, and now you know that you can make it through a difficult night...even if it isn't much fun. It will get easier with time.

I'm really glad you picked up the phone and called a friend (even if they weren't home) it shows you know people care and that you understand you should keep your mind busy. It does take some time for the anti depressants

to kick in. I take zoloft myself and it help a great deal. I am now on a very low dosage, because after breaking up 5 months ago, I am feeling so much better we were able to cut it way down. The first few months I was mess!

Can you post in the evening? ~because someone is always on here, there are so so many people on this sight helping one another...24/7 seems like. I'm guess right now that may not be an option for you. (posting at night) One other thing I did when I was way down was I began writing in a journal, it helped somehow for me to release my feeling there on paper and it also helped me later when I felt a little better to go back and read so I could see how much progress I had really made. Force yourself to eat the things you can stomach right now, even if it is just bland food, a little toast. Drink lots of liquid. This will not last forever, it feels it, but it will not.

Take good care~

Lone

[Vynde]

Thanks Lone for your quick response. Its so hard to understand that this gets better.. but Im taking your word for it!

 

Yes, as far as posting at night, I shuold start doing that, I do post in a Blog I have on my Myspace account, I keep it private as I dont want the world let alone her to know Im a complete mess.. although Im sure she has an idea.

 

I hope the meds kick in soon..

 

Thanks all for the support

 

John

[LONESOUL]

It is very difficult to understand it gets better. I remember thinking

WHEN??!! when the folks here would tell me that, but, time worked her magic, and with a allot of help and some good advice from the people here about how to help myself feel good about me again~it did get better.

I thought at one time my life was over, but I kept plugging alongand pretty

soon I began to realize that it was not over, not nearly over and that I could find happiness again, and because of what I went through (am still going through) I am somehow stronger, better for it all.

Yeah, you should post here at night too if you need someone...people are always here to give support...you really are not alone. These are tough times~very tough, but you are hanging right in there~you hold the key!

Take good care~

Lone

[Stambler]

OK - time to rally the eNA army around John! I'm gonna PM all my buddies that have given me advice and they will gladly post here John! IT WILL HELP!

 

Your feelings are completely NORMAL. Not nice to have, but normal. If you didn't feel that way we'd be worrying that you might be out stalking stray cats for animal sacrifice or something (LOL)!

 

Anyhow, I am on Zoloft and it's great! It does take a while to kick in, but I think it was only a week, talk to yer doc again.

 

When you feel lonely GET OUTTA THE HOUSE! Force yourself. You'll be just as miserable as if you stayed home, but you'll gain some new aesthetic stimulation, the next day you'll have memories of something besides the inside of your house.

 

Make plans with someone to do something fun, or even something serious and constructive - even if it's at your house or theirs. You might want to try filling your house with memories of someone other than you ex.

 

Make Beer

Bake a Cake

Invite a neighbor or co-worker over for a barbequeOffer to help neighbors and co-workers with home projects

Put you underwear on your head and run around the house naked!

 

Just do something to put NEW memories in the bank....

 

Force it, force it and force it! You might have 2 minutes of being at peace if you do something, vs. no peace if you stay at home and let that mind wander.

 

And that's another thing - you don't have to go where your mind wants to. Your mind is really stupid) (not just yours, all of ours!) it wants to recall the memories of painful events and stew over them. Don't let it - you're the boss! Think about ANYTHING else!

 

Yes John, it will be forced and it will NOT be the path of least resistance, but it will slowly get you where you need to be.

 

WE love you John, and you need to love yourself! We're here to get ya there!

 

Expect lots of posts coming your way!!!!

[desertnomad]

Hi John,

I took welbutrin also a few years back. It does take a while maybe couple weeks to kick in but depends on the person. If it doesnt work as much as you like your doctor can always combine it with another. I took Remeron in addition to it and that really packs a punch. Although you tend to want to eat alot and have colorful dreams at night.

 

Hang in there. After my ex left me 5 months ago after 4 years I can really relate to some of the things your going through. I didnt want anyone else and still to some extent feel the same and cant believe what went on. She to was so cold and mean to me after she left without even saying a word for a month.

 

I can tell you this that while you will be on this roller coaster of emotion for a long time perhaps, the intensity of the emotions definetly gets less and less so that at least you are able to function.

 

I replaced my ex a little bit with a new camera and take it with me wherever I go. I have gotten pretty good at photography. Maybe theres something you can partly replace yours with. Just a thought.

[Stambler]

Hi John!

 

How are you doing? I've been thinking of you often and hope you're making it OK. I had a bit of a downer this weekend, but I'm getting there.

 

Would love to hear from you, what's on your mind, etc....

[Vynde]

Hi Camber,

 

Thanks so much for checking up.

 

I’m so sorry to hear that you are down, I hope that you that it’s only temporary as I’m sure you will pull though it.

 

As for me, I can’t say I’m doing to well. Physically my body is in bad shape, I continue to loose weight, I have lost 35lbs now, so I made a doctors appointment for tomorrow to get an idea of the damage. This is taking a toll on me, and I’m worried about my health. So I have been trying to focus on feeling better, eating - the basics.

 

Mostly I find myself missing her.. Trying to figure out why? I think back to our wedding vows and her promises.. It all seems to distant and empty. I can’t understand why I would want someone back who did this to me, who is putting me thought this and being so cold. She doesn’t even think enough to talk to me.. It’s been 41 days, and I’m struggling to find improvements in my condition.

 

The holidays coming up will be tough; I will miss my wife, and will be sure to think of her.. I wrote her a letter last week.. telling her how much I miss her, and everything that’s on my mind.. I came close to sending many times.. but I hold back the temptation.. for it will only bring me more heartbreak.. and I wouldn’t be able to handle her response.

 

Anyway - I thank you so much for checking up on me.. It means a lot.

 

I hope you are doing well

 

John

[Stambler]

DON'T SEND THE LETTER!

 

Believe me, NC is the only way to go. Although my wife is leaving me, she still cares, but if I start with the sullen attitude it just pushes her away even more. I force myself to be upbeat, happy and treat her as my best friend, because she is, then she comes around and opens up.

 

I know you haven't had contact with your wife in a long time, but keep it that way. Or think of a reason to contact her (maybe with questions about the divorce, or her belongins...)and keep your chin up, show here you're OK, even if you're not. She's going to avoid youif she thinks you're going to be a basket case (as we all are inside!).

 

Go to the doc, get yourself healthy. Surround yourself with family for the holidays and DON'T LET THEM BASH YOUR EX - that will only hurt you more!

[AwdreeHpburn]

I agree with Camber - I don't think you'll accomplish what you think you will by sending a letter.

 

BUT - If it makes you feel better to write it, I think you should do that.

 

 

{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}

 

We're here!! Keep posting!

[Stambler]

^ Is a real sweetheart and knows what she's talking about!!!!!

[LONESOUL]

Hi John~Glad to see you are still posting and that you are hanging in there..

Going to the doctor is a good idea. Keep busy...as busy as your physical self

will allow. Don't send that letter.

Take good care~

Lone

[Vynde]

Thanks all,

 

Fortunate I have been in this forum long enough to know that sending the letter is a bad idea. So I hold on to it, sometimes adding to it, but I will not send it. I won't.

 

I'm trying go stay upbeat and positive. I am trying to keep busy, and make sure I'm never really alone..

 

It's hard to imagine how people can be so cruel, and insensitive. I struggle to understand how one becomes such a person. It's probably something im not capable of understanding, as I haven't been able to so far.

 

Breaking this connection I have with my ex is proving to be very difficult, and trying. I'm struggling with this everyday.. The million dollar question is, How can one overcome a broken heart, when he can't seem to let go of the past?..

 

Baby steps, One day at a time john, I keep telling myself this.. The pain will become less.. 45 days and counting.. I can't seem to let her go

 

/sigh.

John

[LONESOUL]

Hi John. Sometimes it comes down to choice. We choose either to do the things we must do to overcome our sorrows, no matter how difficult~ OR we live in pain. For me now, it is just knowing that no matter what my ex and I had together,the good (the times when we were so connected and each others best friend)and the bad (oh Lord...) it will never be the same. Sure in my case maybe I could return, but it would never never be the same. Would it be for you if she returned? Or has this changed things. I would guess it to be the latter. I would never want to go back to someone who hurt me so badly and I would not be able to trust that they would not do it again. Period. Sometimes that though alone is enough for me to slam the door shut again when the winds of change begin to blow in my mind. I asked the same question as well, how could someone do this, be so cruel? Someone I knew, someone I loved? I don't know the answer except that people do things for many reasons. Who knows why? The thing is, it happens, and when it does it hurts like hell. It's scary to think we will have to trust again, but it's good to know all people are not going to hurt us. It's called "hope" and as dark as it seems ~it is surrounding you, even now. I see that you have been posting to try to help others. That is so wonderful~sometimes we all just need to know someone understands what we are feeling, even if we don't have all the answers. Helping others is one of the very best ways to help yourself. I'm very happy that I can see you taking those very important baby steps.

Take good care~

Lone

[Stambler]

Beautifully worded Lone!

 

"We choose either to do the things we must do to overcome our sorrows, no matter how difficult~ OR we live in pain."

 

I think John and I are still on the fence with this one. Sooner or later we'll get tired and jump to the "overcoming sorrow" side! But what you stated is so true, sometimes we fool ourselves into "hanging on" because we think it will be less painful than "moving on".

 

It reminds me of the duck hunting story:

 

In China (I think) they used to catch ducks by digging a hole and placing a small orange in it. They then covered the hole with a grate that had openings in it just large enough for the duck's head to stick through. The ducks would stick their heads through to get the orange, and when the hunters walked up they were able to simply grab the ducks by the neck. Why? Because the ducks wouldn't let go of the orange, and the orange wouldn't fit through the grate. Now some ducks got away by letting go of the orange. Not sure if it's true, but a good "letting go" fable!

[AwdreeHpburn]

That IS a good one Camber. I like it.

 

But I think you're right. Everybody in stages and everybody at their own pace.

[Stambler]

Thanks again Buddy!

 

You are right, there is no blanket solution!

[LONESOUL]

Camber~good story great moral to learn. I understand sitting on that fence,

believe me I am still pulling barb from my nether region.. but to me it still comes back to choices and we all make them. We all make them for ourselves. We choose to accept or reject everything in our lives. Your ex did it, as did mine.

We can't change the choices that they made, and would we really want to? Are they destin to slam head first into a wall because they chose to leave us? Maybe so~still, the choice is theirs. They must continue to become who it is that they are on their journey. Now, with them having made their

choices (action~reaction) so to shall we be free to make ours. To me it really has little to do with love. What my ex and I shared, I will share with no one else until the end of time~ I loved her, I love her still. But we are not together anymore. Life comes in chapters, that chapter is over, but don't we write the book? This is my journey. Perhaps my ex will come back in chapter 12 or 13, or maybe never~but for now I choose to climb down from that fence

I have been sitting on for too long, and be good to myself. I need to eat and sleep and spend time with friends and family who know and love me. I need to meet new friends, who have been through what I have been through. I need to find out who I am again, without her and celebrate that person, because that person is good to me and will never let me down! I need to finish this book, page after page, its too good to put down.

Celebrate yourself ~all of you, look how wonderful you are!

Take good Care

Lone

[Vynde]

Wow.

 

You all have such great insight!

 

I see that at some point I will need to make a choice, to move on or sit and wallow..

 

It could be maybe that it will take some time before we are strong enough and emotionally stable enough to make that choice and that might take some time.

 

I loved the story Camber, very good point. Its so very true.

 

It reminds me of a quote from the movie The Shawshank Redemption

 

In which one of the guys say "Get busy living, or get busy dieing"

 

I cant wait until I can make that choice, and stick to it, Im not at that stage yet, as Camber mentioned, Im still on the fence But soon. I hope.

[LONESOUL]

It's a process John, thats for sure, and everyone goes at their own pace.

It took me several months to begin climbing down that fence, I wish I had started my desent sooner, but I guess I felt I wasn't ready either. I think I felt like if I climbed down I would be giving up on what was the most important thing in my life.

I found out later I was actually taking care of the most important thing in my life, me. You'll get there, you will.

Take good care~

Lone

[W1nter]

Now some ducks got away by letting go of the orange.

 

It helps if you wind up in a position like I have where your ex has left you. In my case, the orange I fell in love with still looks great at first glance.. but the more I inspect it the more I realize it's gone rotten in the middle and it's not something I /should/ be trying to hold on to. It isn't healthy for me... It makes it that much easier to let go!

[Vynde]

I need to let go of this dam orange!

 

I love the idea. Simple, yet so complicated you guys are great.

 

Thank you.

[Biffy]

Hey John,

 

Don't put a time limit on your grief. Just keep doing as these guys tell you; the wisdom on these boards is humbling, I wish I'd discovered it long ago.

 

Keep your chin up sir, you're doing great.

 

Iain