I am totally in the dark desperately seeking the light..

[reflection1967]

I am 35 year young woman and single mum. 7.5 years ago I got divorced from a man my parents choose for me. After our split I stayed at home with my son and didn't socialise for about 7 months. I was suffering from severe depression and was even diagnosed as bordeline! I thought that I would never get together with another man. I was 25kg over my normal weight, I had acne and bulimia and looked terrible. I had low self-esteem and felt that I was better off dead.

 

This was in 1996, but near the end of that year I met a guy 5 years older than myself. I was infatuated by this man who looked like a greek god. He was beautiful both physically and spiritually. I had only been with my exhusband so I was taken in by this man. The first six weeks we were only friends but I had already fallen in love with him. I couldn't hide my feelings and he eventually told me that he was already in a relationship which had gone sour. We got together despite this and for 1.5 years I was his lover. It was hell. I couldn't deal with it and we fought constantly as well as loving each other immensly. He eventually left her, but he had another issue 2 children, a girl and a boy which the mother of his kids wouldn't let him see despite the courts finding no reason for him to be with them. I supported him 100% and he supported me.

 

I went back to university with his encouragment. I got my son back home after 7 months when I handed him over to a family to take care of him because I was suffering from depression. I also started to take more care of my appearance but still fat, but I felt better. I managed to build up a network of friends of all ages, both male and female.

 

My boyfriend had a sea of knowledge. I admired his intelligence and I had so many questions that needed answering. He was a fantastic artist and I admired his versatility. In some way he was a father figure. But he wasn't loving. He was distant but a passionate lover and I was his longest relationship (lasted 6,5years). He wanted to be free but still have me.

Something which bothered me was that he was'nt particularly close to my son. My ex had moved to NY so he didn't have any contact with his son, so the only man he knew was my boyfriend. I sam my boyfriend with his friend's kids and he was so loving with them. He'd cuddle them and talk to them, but with my boy he was distant. He wasn't bad to him he just kept him at arms-length.

 

The things that started to bother me were:

1) He didn't want to make plans for the future. He said he wanted an easy time with peace and quite and not a plain marriage where he had to answer to where he was going and what he was doing

 

3) He never commented if I was looking nice. Over the years I started to look better, more attractive and he seemed to ignore this.

 

4) If I was going out he would ask me who I had been with. I get tipsy on a couple og glasses of wine and he would make comments like I would be flaunting myself at any guy if he wasn't there with me. But I only drank once in the year and only with close friends.

 

5) He started to put me down as time went on and even infront of his friends he would cut me off in the middle of a conversation. I felt like I was beginning to be an embarresment for him. But at the same time he would pretend infront of his friends that we had a great relationship.

 

6) Sometimes when we went out together he would talk to other girls and laugh heartedly (he was normally a serious person). I love life. After everything I have been through since childhood and I am far from boring. Okay I am not beautiful but I am attractive and very charismatic. I am not scared to meet new people. As far as I was concerned he was ignoring me which he was and he would be aggressive when I accused him of showing interest in someone else.

 

7) This summer there was a turning point. He had to move out of his flat within 2 months and he suddenly wanted to move in with his son with me and my boy. I have a 2 room apartment which is the size of a shoebox. I couldn't handel it and said so. He was disappointed and underlined this time and time again. He even started to say things like that I would never have made it without him! This really bothered me. Since I refused him he has changed and all we do is argue.

The other day he came home and said he wanted to be with me. He fell asleep on my bed, watched 2 hours of news and then he said he was hungry. I was insulted.

 

8) Everytime we argued over the past 6,5 years everything was my fault and never his. He refused to accept that he was ever wrong. He was stubborn. He would even demand sex when he wanted. No matter how much I refused he would say "but you really want to you are just trying to be difficult".

 

never once did he lift his hand to me or insult me verbaly but there was something awfully wrong.

 

Where are we now:

We have decided to take a break, but I am torn apart. he says that if I meet other men it's fine he will accept it even if we decide to be together again. He doesn't want to hold me back and wants me to be happy. These words upset me. What is a break? How long does it last and what is the point? I am very confused even though I took the intiative but still don't understand what this involves or what is wrong with our relationship. Even though it sounds like there are alot of things to point out.

 

I feel like my world has just caved in and the only thing I manage to do is cry my heart out.

 

when does the pain stop and what do I do now......................

[jakob]

Were you in the relationship for what it was or what you wanted it to be?

 

When things are going up it's great. But it soon peaks...on the way down you remember that they were once good and perhaps will be so again, so you wait. It hits bottom and your patience pays off, the relationship takes a turn upward. Yipee!! After this happens once a cycle will inevitably creep into your life. The longer you stay on that rollercoaster the more investment you have in the relationship and the less likely you are to end things on the down swing (which pretty much means you never will...heck, you didn't end it in the beginning with the smaller investment why would you now?). After this anything can happen, abuse may occur because of the lack of consequences, fights may break out due to expectations involved in the (dysfunctional) relationship, it all depends on the people involved and their personalities.

 

The cycle can be exteremely reinforced. The bad slumps of the relationship are encouraged in anticipation of the highlights. It can be quite an emotional endevor and mark anotherwise lacking relationship with a bizarre passion and intesity.

 

This may have absolutley no relevance to your situation but I have seen it happen a few times...

 

I wish you all of the best in your choice...be positive and stand on your own two feet, hold your chin up, and walk tall with confidence. Even if you have to fake it for a while keep it up...it may just take. Once you got that down you may be able to end the "break" and redefine your relationship with everyones best interests in mind.