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in love with a married older man


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I'm ivanna - 21 yrs... hopelessly in love with a 32 yr old man who's married-and with a kid. I dont know how this works... i'm like totally confused.. I have a boyfriend but things were'nt going too well with him when I met nev - the married guy.. he totally swept me off my feet.. I just cant help it.. I cant do without him... my boyfriend doesnt know about him.... He has'nt ever forced his feelings onto me.. but then why am I so hopelessly in love with him...just can't get him out of my mind. We've slept together and he makes me feel sooo amazing.. I don't know what to do? I know he's all wrong for me.. but I just can't help myself.


Please help... I'm desperate..

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Hi Ivanna,

I was 16 when I met a 32 year old guy. He was married, 2 kids. Big mistake. He went through a messy divorce, but we thought we were 'destined' for each other. I married him when I was 19. Guess what? 20 years later, I grew up and became a real person -- and not the person he wanted me to be.


It took 20 years. I stayed at least 5 years, maybe more, than I should have, for the sake of our own kids, and because I couldn't believe that I'd made such a stupid mistake. What a waste of my life!


The problem isn't just that he's older, or that he's married. The problem is that you are not operating at the same speed as your guy. In ten years, he'll be 42, you'll be 32. in 20 years, he'll be 52, you'll be 42. Are you ready for that?! What do you want to accomplish in your life? What dreams do you have? My married man made me feel like I was the queen of the world -- and I was, as long as he was the center of my universe. When I began to want my own friends, my own career, my own money, and my own time -- he hated me.


My advice: give yourself a cooling-off period. That probably feels like the last thing you want to do. Also, remember that this woman who is married to your guy is another woman: a sister! Do you really want to do this to another woman? Do you really want a guy who would cheat on his wife?! -- my now-ex husband turned out to be not just a philanderer, but a philanderer who, when I got 'out of control' at age 35, started lusting after 17 year old girls who looked like me!


There's something about 32 year old men that loves being able to control younger women. Don't fall for the great sex bit. Surprisingly enough, great sex is not that hard to come by, and at least with an unmarried man, you don't have to pay with so much pain.


trust me.

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I couldn't have said it better Indigowoman.


Ivanna, listen to your own words...you said you know he's totally wrong for you. Hello! Huge red flag there! Nothing good can come out of an affair, no matter how deep and sincere your feelings are for the guy. Yes, it's difficult to let go, yes it $ucks, but there are two huge factors going against you in this relationship: the age difference, and the fact that he's ALREADY MARRIED!


Age isn't such an issue later in life, however you will find you aren't the same woman you were at 21 even when you reach 25, or 30, or 35. You will grow and change almost exponentially as time goes on - what you want now may not even be close to what you'll want at 30. (Trust me -I speak from experience.)


Don't let yourself get caught up in a relationship with a man that's already taken with his own responsibilities. You'll be playing second fiddle in an unfinished symphony, and I have a feeling you deserve better.


If that's not reason enough to end it, how about this:

Put yourself in his wife's place. How would you feel to find out your husband, the father of your children, is having an affair with a younger woman? Wouldn't you expect the person you marry to be utterly faithful and devoted?


good luck,


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Thanks sis... I really needed that dose of reality to hit me right in the head...

Have reduced thinking about him... concentrating on my career now which hopefully should be going someplace nice!!! I'ts difficult ... to get over him... he's always on my mind...It's like I lost a part of me... But hey... there would be many more hearts to break I Guess!

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