He still looks up his ex on "myspace"

[heyguys]

hey everyone, i had a question to see if i am over reacting. well i had the feeling my bf wasnt over his ex. over the past two years we been dating, he called me her name once and recently mistook me for her (he thought he took me to a certain restaurant but it was really her). i began to think, why are these little, yet hurtful things happening. is he not over her. does he still think of her. well i found out he looks her up on myspace still (a networking website, you can find friends, put up profiles)...what should i do or think. he said he looked her up bc sometimes he is mad at me when i ask about her, so he looks at her profile just bc he is mad at me, is that a lame excuse (even though i never knew he did it)...help please~!](*,)

[Biffy]

Jeez... myspace, the latest curse to the techno-generation!

[friscodj]

This guy is definitely still hung up on his ex, but what's worse, is that he is using this in manipulative ways, looking her up "when he is mad at you".

 

It sounds like he has some serious unfinished business with his ex. Either that, or he still longs for her. At any rate, this to me illustrates the core definition of a classic "rebound" situation.

 

My advice is start detaching here emotionally and get out before you get in deeper and get hurt more later. Easier said than done I know but I feel necessary. If he's mistaking you for her in a restaurant, I can only imagine other places he thinks about her as well...

[friscodj]

Jeez... myspace, the latest curse to the techno-generation!

 

It's going to bring us all down. What a convenient, tempting, and legal avenue to take to essentially spy on someone and create a new definition and generation of Internet stalkers...

[heyguys]

yeah he and her broke up 3 yrs ago, she left him for her ex bf she was still in love with. and the restaurant thing, ya he thought he took me there on one of our first dates, but it was really her....i confronted him about her and still being hung up on her, but he says no, that it was all honest mistakes..so how does that justify looking her up still...?? is there any excuse. if he looks her up so i dont find out, what is the purpose, its not hurting me if i dont know...bc its not about me! its about him satisfying his own curiosity about her! back me up or disagree with me people!

[friscodj]

yeah he and her broke up 3 yrs ago, she left him for her ex bf she was still in love with. and the restaurant thing, ya he thought he took me there on one of our first dates, but it was really her....i confronted him about her and still being hung up on her, but he says no, that it was all honest mistakes..so how does that justify looking her up still...?? is there any excuse. if he looks her up so i dont find out, what is the purpose, its not hurting me if i dont know...bc its not about me! its about him satisfying his own curiosity about her! back me up or disagree with me people!

 

The only advice I have is that you'd better get out of this sooner than later...you're just filling a gap in his life left by her it sounds...sorry to say...

[Beec]

I cannot tell you there is anythign wrong with him checking her myspace page. I might do the same. It's natural to be curious about an ex. I also cannot think there is an issue with the mistake about the restuarant, things happen. However, him calling you by her name, that begins to indicate something is askew. If you get dramatic about it and put up stink, that's not going to improve things.

 

If this guy loves you or not all depends on how you treat him, not anything else. if you are not doing it for him, either get out or figure out how to do it for him.

[Jamiegirl]

I have to put a different perspective on this situation! how long where him and his ex togeather for. If they were together for a long time, it is natural for him to wonder about her and even miss her at time, because im sure they shared great times together. I'm sure she was more then a piece of A#$ to him, but im sure they were friends too.

 

I think u are over reacting a bit. If he is with you and doesnt speak to her on a regular bases then you have nothing to worry about. Don't let this issue become bigger then it needs to be.

 

On the other hand i do understand how you feel. It can be frusterating, but the more you bring her up the more he will get mad about the situation thus pushing him away from you. The situation i think would be different if he were talking to her on a regular bases and/or seeing her in which case then i would lose him.

 

I hope this helps

[prizmpyxis]

I have to be honest, I often look up my exes on myspace, but not because I am not over them. I look them up just to see how they are doing, because I am still friends with a few of them and curious. In the case of your ex, it could just be genuine curiosity...but the way you described the situation doesn't make it seem so.

What bothers me about this situation is the fact that he called you the name of his ex, and mistook you for her a few times! That is probably one of the most hurtful things he could do. I really think that you need to sit him down and discuss the situation...without him making excuses about why he's looking her up online. Explain to him how much this hurts you and don't get angry about it. In my experience, getting angry only makes the situation worse.

[caro33]

I cannot tell you there is anythign wrong with him checking her myspace page. I might do the same. It's natural to be curious about an ex. I also cannot think there is an issue with the mistake about the restuarant, things happen. However, him calling you by her name, that begins to indicate something is askew. If you get dramatic about it and put up stink, that's not going to improve things.

 

If this guy loves you or not all depends on how you treat him, not anything else. if you are not doing it for him, either get out or figure out how to do it for him.

 

I mostly agree with Beec. I have often googled exes and if I had access to myspace I would check that out too. Nothing to do with not being over them, it's a curiosity thing that comes up when I'm bored and in front of a computer.

 

Yes your guy might not be over the ex, but I don't think the evidence you have is damning or necessarily indicates that. I completely understand how second best it might make you feel (I have also had 'is he over his ex?' problems), but these could be just dumb mistakes...

[rmpavlock]

It might sound innocent looking up an ex online, but with getting you confused with her and taking you to a place that she liked...that's a little over the top. I agree with friscodj. It's very manipulative of him to blame his little myspace thing on you. Like that's any kind of excuse. Not only does something like that hurt, but on top of that you are supposed to feel guilty? I don't think so! I would start distancing myself from this guy. When a guy is really interested in you, he won't be obsessing over his ex. Go find THAT guy.

[NJRon]

I have had the confusion thing happen to me in long term relationships. People you spend a lot of time with and do a lot of things with tend to leave an impression. It's pretty easy to mix up an event, at least for me.

 

As for myspace... well, i look up my exes occasionally... it's purely out of curiosity and to see if everything is going well. However, I find it very suspect that he looks up his ex "because he is angry with you"... that would be ringing a bell in my head. Not to mention the reason for their breakup.

 

No, the other things don't seem to be that big of a deal... but the reason for him checking out her information would be to me.

[heyguys]

hey everyone, thanks for the advice. well many of your replies insinuated he was with his ex for a long time. the truth is he was actually for his ex for less time than me and him have been together. he was with her for a little over a year. then she left him, and then he met me about 6 months later and now me and him have been dating for two...so i dunno, its not like they were dating for 10 yrs or even 5, or even married....but your advice helped, just thought Id throw that piece of info in...but other perspectives are still welcomed and encouraged....i am a very thoughtful person, who needs lots of reasoning to feel better....

[Scout]

This guy is definitely still hung up on his ex, but what's worse, is that he is using this in manipulative ways, looking her up "when he is mad at you".

 

It sounds like he has some serious unfinished business with his ex. Either that, or he still longs for her. At any rate, this to me illustrates the core definition of a classic "rebound" situation.

 

My advice is start detaching here emotionally and get out before you get in deeper and get hurt more later. Easier said than done I know but I feel necessary. If he's mistaking you for her in a restaurant, I can only imagine other places he thinks about her as well...

 

Whoamygosh! Wow, Frisco...I have to say, your take on her situation made my jaw drop when I read it! And we're so often on the same page. This time...I couldn't disagree with you more!

 

How are you coming to such dark conclusions? If you don't use MySpace or have a page on there yourself, I might be able to understand. But I look up practically everyone I know who is on MySpace on a regular basis...including exes! Even people that I didn't date that long! I like to see what everyone's up to, that's all.

 

And the confusion thing...I can't count how many times I've gotten confused over who I went where with in the past.

 

If I were this poster, I would have some trust in her boyfriend when he says these are honest mistakes. And as for looking up his ex, yeah, he's giving her a lame excuse, but I think it's to take the heat off him, so he turns it around on her. Not the most mature response, but I honestly think he feels if he just said, "I was curious what she's up to these days," she'd take that as meaning he's still hung up on her. Which, after two years of being with the poster, I do not see how this guy can possibly be hung up on his ex still. He never would have stayed with the poster that long.

 

Geez. I kinda feel sorry for the guy that he's being put through the wringer here!

[caro33]

Yeah Scout, I'm with you.

[friscodj]

If I were this poster, I would have some trust in her boyfriend when he says these are honest mistakes. And as for looking up his ex, yeah, he's giving her a lame excuse, but I think it's to take the heat off him, so he turns it around on her. Not the most mature response, but I honestly think he feels if he just said, "I was curious what she's up to these days," she'd take that as meaning he's still hung up on her. Which, after two years of being with the poster, I do not see how this guy can possibly be hung up on his ex still. He never would have stayed with the poster that long.

 

If he "turns things around" in this situation, in which other situations does he do this as well? Do you think this illustration of his misguided manner of conflict resolution is completely isolated? Or meaningless?

 

And I think this notion of "turning things around on her", regardless of sources whether it be conscious attempts at manipulation and/or immaturity, has been going on for a while building up to the point of causing her guilt leading to the paranoia expressed in her message indicating an unhealthy chemistry between them.

 

I can see where he would still be hung up on his ex, given his heart was invested and she left him abruptly. I can see unfinished business there. And why couldn't he stay with the original poster this long? It seems he has an easy ride taking no responsibility for his end of problems in the relationship turning everything onto her and not thinking about how all this makes her feel. If she says looking his ex up bothers her, he should stop!

 

Hey Scout, I'm going to sift through all your posts, find one I don't agree with, and publicly and vehemently express my shock and awe at your position like you did to mine here. Nice little lead in there shifting the public bias to your position...I'm coming to get you!!!!!

[Scout]

Sorry Frisco...that was my first reaction, and I typed before I really thought out how "vehement" that looked.

 

You're right that him turning it around on her isn't a good way of addressing the situation.

 

To the original poster, does he typically take that tactic with other things you two disagree about? In fact, in general, how would you describe your relationship? Is it usually pretty smooth sailing, or is there often an element of conflict happening? Do you two argue much?

 

I probably should have asked these questions before. Because it would help to figure out if your distrust is based on this situation alone, or a general sense of insecurity in the relationship.