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Insecure and Paranoid

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I am suffering from serious paranoia that is destroying my relationship.


I have been with my partner since April this year. He absolutely means the world to me and after only a short while I started feeling like he could be "The One". He felt the same and moved countries to be with me.

He finished a serious relationship last year after six years because he felt that his ex was not the one for him and they had no future. She has moved on and now has a new partner also. My partner and his ex owned a house together and are currently in the process of transferring ownership to her and her new partner.


He has never done anything towards me to make me distrust him and yet I often feel overwhelming urges of paranoia regarding our relationship and behave and do things that are totally inappropriate such as:


I search through his PC and look at his history to see what he has been up to.

I question his whereabouts and if I feel he is late by even 15mins I question him.

I read through his emails.

I check his mobile phone.

I check his wallet.

Question him about speaking to his ex.

Will question him when he goes on his PC - stressing that he may be chatting to someone or making contact with other woman.


I have often jumped to conclusions about things and had a go at him becoming hysterical.


He has continually proved to me time and time again that he cares for me.


However after one to many fights regarding my lack of trust he has said that his feelings are not as strong for me and he is not sure if he loves me anymore - this only feeds my feelings of insecurity. I long for him to love me again and will fish for affection and reassurance about our relationship.


I really would like to overcome these feelings. When sitting alone and thinking about my behaviour I know that I am being totally irrational and that my behaviour is self destructive.


However when I get these feelings of paranoia I feel totally possessed and out of control. I will do anything to check up on him to try and reassure myself. I feel completely anxious often to the point of feeling sick.

When I have an issues I often tell myself it is nothing and not to bring it up with him but somehow I just can't help myself and end up doing it.


For example when he goes on his PC - I will constantly walk past to see what he is up to and often ask him what he is up to in an accusatory tone.


My behaviour is driving him insane - quite rightly he feels totally untrusted and says he can not go on living like this.


I do not want to loose him and want to sort out my problems but I don't know how.


Can any one help?

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Hi, and welcome to eNotalone.


Your situation is similar to many I've seen here before. I used to type out long responses, asking many questions about the poster to find out the cause of their insecurities.


Recently, I've come to the conclusion that while the cause is worth figuring out, if you dwell too much on it, you use up the energy required to enact an actual solution. So, i'm going to just cut right to the chase.


In my opinion, whatever the reasons behind your behavior, they indicate a significant lack of self-control. Along with a tendency to act on your emotions, instead of logic. This could simply be emotional immaturity. (I honestly don't mean this as an insult. Just a couple of short years ago, I too was rather emotionally immature compared to where I am now - which means I was 35 and often acting like a demanding child!)


So, your real challenge is you need to develop self-control.


It's that simple.


Why don't you check out some books on gaining more self-control? I hear that "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr. Wayne Dwyer is a very helpful read.


Please take these feelings as a realization that your lack of self-control is about to cost you everything. You simply cannot live and act this way without tremendously hurting yourself and your loved ones.

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Wow.. your post sounds like the one I have written not too long ago about " I cant trust him"

Your situation reminds me of me, except that I have become better at my insecurities and i deal with them on a "from time to time manner now"

I went to counseling, because i knew the problem was me. My boyfriend at the time.. who is now my fiance', saw my efforts in going to counseling. I had to dig .. dig deep.. about what exactly made me feel so paranoid.

I had to re-program my mind, i believed that men are sneaky and they cheat... so the more i loved this man, the more i thought he would hurt me.

My past relationship was very destructive and i was scarred deep. I made my guy pay everytime for what my past did to me.

but in the end i had to realize that i had to change if i wanted a healthy relationship. Checking his phone, pockets, eardropping on calls, questionning his every move... was plain TORTURE to me. I did that to myself, as you are doing it to YOURSELF. I had to stop FOR ME, I wanted to be healthy and happy and the agony was just so hurtful. So I reprogrammed my mind to think. I am not going to spy, if he is doing anything wrong, it will come to me, I will NOT hurt myself anymore. NOT all men cheat, NOT all men are sneaky. If I get hurt, I will survive.. but I will NOT survive if i continue to do this to myself.

I have spurts of doubt, but over the last 8 months, I feel better,it's not an overnite healing.. it's a process.. if he trully loves you, he will understand and remain with you.

Let him know how you feel, that you know you are doing this to yourself, he may be able to help in encouraging you. Maybe he 'll LET you see his phone and so forth.. communication is everything. .. and remember, you have done great in acknowledging that you have something to work on. It's ok.. you are not alone.

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if he trully loves you, he will understand and remain with you.


I mean no disrespect to V8rachon, it's clear she is concerned and wrote her post from the heart with the intention to help you. But my feeling is very different on the statement I quote from her above.


In my opinion, it would be very dangerous to assume that just because someone loves us, they will put up with stressful and unfair behavior from us. Love is not indestructible. It simply is not. There is only so much a person can take, and to be honest, it sounds like your boyfriend is really starting to question how much more of this he can take. Distrust, angry accusations, incessant questioning, etc. can all chip away at the love someone has for us.


Quite candidly, if your post had been written by a male, I suspect many responses would be along the lines of, "He's a control freak and his behavior is the classic calling card of an abuser! Ditch him!"


I really hate to say that, but I strongly believe that would be the response.


Long story short, what you're doing is not ok, and if he leaves, it won't be because he didn't really love you. It will be because you didn't love him enough to reign in your behavior and replace it with strong self-control instead of acting on unfounded insecurities and emotions.


I do wish you the best of luck, because you're obviously not happy with yourself either, for this behavior. You're tormented by it, in fact.


So just stop. And let your boyfriend know you're sorry for how you've behaved, and you're going to show him going forward you're done with that.

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I'm going through the same thing to now... being insecured, paranoid and so forth.. It will destroy your relationship if u continue to be like this.. it has destroyed mines because of my own issues.. im not saying everything that has happen is all my fault but i agree some of them are mine. you need to feel secured in urself, to feel secure w/ ur bf.. u need to stop checking up on him cus i know the thrill.. ive done it before..and its like a chain reaction.. keeps happening and happening..


i told myself i need to be more confident with myself and be more happy . in my situation it is kinda hard but now i am trying to be more better and show my bf i am a new person..

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Scout, you have brought ona new light, and I absolutely agree with you about self control.

I am not saying that this behavior should acepted by him, I'm only saying that if she verbalizes to him about how she feels, it may diffuse the anger he has towards her.

I agree that the behavior is a result of one's view of life and profound scarred way of thinking.

i was tired of torturing myself and only then was I able to turn it around, the fact that she is realizing her issue is a big step for her! It's half the battle.

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I'm only saying that if she verbalizes to him about how she feels, it may diffuse the anger he has towards her.


Yes, you were clear about that and I actually wondered if I should point that out after I made my post.


Absolutely agree with you she needs to acknowledge the proverbial "pink elephant" looming in the relationship with them, and be very upfront with him that she knows her actions are harmful and unfair. I...wouldn't count on him offering to let her see his phone though, to make her feel better. And if you think about it, that would be enabling her lack of self-control, not curing it.


What do you think she should ask her boyfriend for? Patience and understanding? I'm not saying it would be wrong of her to ask, but I'm wondering how much of either he has left. It seems he's been both, and I don't think he will be up for giving more without some assurance it will help her to stop this behavior.

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Thanks for all your responses.


I agree with you all that my behaviour is showing a severe lack of self control and that it is totally disrespectful also to my partner.


I do not think for one minute that I have a right to act this way and I knwo that I have pushd my partner to the very limit. Scout you are right when you say that this sort of behaviour can chip away at even the strongest love and eventually there will be nothing left.


I do however feel that it is very easy to say just stop. The thing I think that will be harder is actually not feeling the way I do. V8vachon you hit the nail on the head when you said it is torture.


I have explained my feelings to my partner and we both understand that this has stemed from a very abusive relationship that ended for me last year. Until I met my partner and I guess fell in love I did not know that I had this sort of behaviour in me - I have never felt insecure about relationships before in my life and it is something that I am not proud of at all. This is no excuse but admitting what I am doing is destrucive and trying to understand why I am like this I felt would help.


My partner wants things to work with me and I am so willing to change. I have stopped looking through his things but I have not stopped the way I am feeling. Is this something that will go with time or is there anything practical I can do to feel loved, safe and secure????

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as crazy as it sounds..follow me on this one..

the more you love yourself... the more you will feel secure about who you aer and what you are worth, the more you will then feel secure about your relationship and ultimately, your relationship will get better and better with time.. but you must continue to give YOURSELF the love you deserve.

Setting goals for your financial future..i.e. better job, school.. setting personnal goals.. i e working out, manicure, pedicure, shopping for a new shirt, going to watch a movie YOU wanna see, reading a new book, taking on a hobbie.. setting relationship goals i e spend time with a friend, spend time with a family member. Spiritual goal.. ie..going to church, temple, synagog..

Love on yourself to heal the abuse of your past relationship.

You are not being selfish if you do so.. if you do not love yourself, you are not able to love another.

You are insecure because someone made you feel as though you were inferior and unworthy and you believed it.. Now change your mindset and ultimately...change your life!!!

i am there with you.. just like you... but with lots of time and lots of self love.. We can restore what was taken from us.

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I do however feel that it is very easy to say just stop. The thing I think that will be harder is actually not feeling the way I do.


Ha! Ain't that the truth... You're right, I told you to just stop, and then didn't give you any tools to work with to do just that. I think at first, I just wanted to pinpoint to you what the true problem was in very simplistic terms, because I'm sure the last thing you feel like doing is analyzing a bunch of possible causes, effects, etc., etc. You've got enough on your mind as it is. (Although it is very important to identify the driving factors of our negative behaviors; however, you have to make sure you're devoting as much time to finding a solution, too.)


So...here's a possible tool. And it's almost identical to advice I gave another poster the other day, who has frequent bursts of anger. I explained to her that anger was a form of energy. And she shouldn't express it, shouldn't repress it, but...transform it.


Stick with me here...I have a point eventually.


Now, we agree that your main problem, in simple terms, is a lack of self control. In more fuller terms, it's a lack of self-control of your negative emotions. What's happening, is you're acting on these emotions instead of your logical thinking, because these emotions are fueled by a tremendous surge of anxious energy.


So...how about you take that energy and do something else with it? Like run around the block until you're out of breath? Or vacuum your entire house? Something you can immediately do to use that negative energy until it's significantly abated. I bet at that point, you'll be feeling mentally and physically more at peace, so you don't have the same desire to do what you would have done before...question your boyfriend, look at his phone, etc., etc.


And don't think this means for the rest of your life you're going to have to vacuum your entire house twice a day to keep yourself from freaking out, lol. From what I understand, this method actually helps to break the anger/anxiety habit after a while, too. So, you'll have less and less of these feelings/incidents, until one day you just don't operate from that mindset anymore.


Any of this make sense, sound logical, etc.?

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Let me just add that all powerful emotions are also a form of physical energy. Think about it, when you're highly upset, your heart is racing, your blood pressure is rising...that's energy that is coursing through your body. You have choices with what you can do with that energy, and you can make that choice pretty quickly, too.

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All sounds very logical Scout. I think occupying myself will be a big distraction. I just hope that eventually I will not need to constantly distract myself and that all these feelings will go away.

Do you think I should tell him when I am feeling insecure? (and no i don't mean so that he can offer to show me his phone etc - i know this will not help me in the long run)

I mean is this something we can then talk through - or is this just burdening him with something that i should just deal with?


I also agree V8vachon I need to learn to love myself. When thinking about it in most other areas I am quite confident. I think one of the main things I am loving is when he moved country to be with me we also moved away from the area i was living in. i don't really have many friends around here and spend a lot of time at work - outside of that i probably rely on him to much for everything else. I do not go out on my own often everything we do is togther - perhaps I should start getting more of a life myself - harder said then done though.

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Do you think I should tell him when I am feeling insecure? (and no i don't mean so that he can offer to show me his phone etc - i know this will not help me in the long run)

I mean is this something we can then talk through - or is this just burdening him with something that i should just deal with?


Hmm. Good question.


Well, it seems you've already opened up with him about this. I do have concerns that because you feel insecure rather often, if you're letting him know very often you feel insecure, it's going to start making him feel like he's walking on eggshells.


I'm not ruling your question out, but is it possible you could try what I suggested in my other post first a few times? The next several times you start to feel insecure, do something PHYSICAL that expends that anxious energy/anxious emotions.


At least give it an honest try. I think that will alleviate your feelings of insecurity more than telling him you feel insecure, because then you are going to have to trust his response will make you feel less insecure. And if he keeps having to reassure you, I can almost promise his responses are going to be less and less enthusiastic, hon. It just goes back to how lack of trust can chip away at a relationship. You have to love him enough to not chip away at your relationship, too. It's a two-way street.

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