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She broke NC... Although I do not feel THAT bad.


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Today would mark out 2 year. We have been apart for 2 months and I had moved out a little over a month and a half.

 

There has been NC from both of us since, except for Saturday where she messaged me about a landlord signature which I had to respond to. We chatted for a second on text but it was cold.

 

That made my rollercoaster plunge again.

 

Last night I get a call, I answered it without looking at the ID. It was her. She sounded really bad, she was sick. So I felt, as being the guy I have always been, I decided to stay on the phone with her for a few minutes to see if she needs support. She was crying too. AND DRUNK...

 

She told me how her life sucks now because she works 70 hours a week, how the couch I left her is hideous and she wants a slip cover, the computer I built for her sucks because of dial-up, and she had to pay someone 200$ today to write her paper for school because she needed one day to stay in bed.

 

She then began to apologize. Crying to me saying that she is sorry that she didn't keep her promises (forever). I told her it would be ok and not to worry. She kept doing it, finally I said, "Hun, unless you are going to tell me that you made a mistake and want me back, please stop apologizing for the promises, I understand how you feel and it is not helping to hear that and still not work things out". She said ok. I could see that she was being sensitive about me being on the phone, she asked a couple of times if she should get off of the phone with me. She cried about not seeing her family because of work since I left. She told me that she misses me a lot. I told her the same, and when crying, I said I love you and it will be ok. She did not say it back but I wasn't expecting her to. Actually, I don't even think that she heard me because she then commented on how her foot looked. Either cleverly changing the subject or it's just my old girl, drunk... She told me she still prays for me every night.

 

All in all, my take, she was lonely, drunk, and unhappy with her new situation. I think it made her feel better to hear my voice not hating her.

 

It made me feel a bit better because I know that she does think of me, she does feel bad for broken promises, and when she said that she has no one (I do not want her to be alone, I want her to be happy, but its nice to know that she is not with the guy that made her venture from me, because he cant be good for anyone).

 

So I do not feel that bad at the moment. But seeing the date, I know that I will go up and down a million times today. Today is going to suck...

 

But, I will get through this.

 

I think I have only been posting on days that I feel better, I have not posted on the bad days.

 

Love you all, thanks again.

 

Jordan

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Hey Jordan5571. You are doing very well. Its got to be a good feeling to at least get the apology from her..... you know for sure that she is missing you..... awww.... sounds like maybe she wants more but is afraid to say so..... I tend to be like that myself, don't wanna look vulnerable. Your posts are always inspiring, and you are definitely on the right track. Me I'm still not great... but I'm working on it. ;(

 

Sandy

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Thanks Sandy...

 

I don't know why she would feel too vulnerable, I flat out said how much I missed her and how hard this was. I also said I love you.

 

I do understand that she probably wouldnt ask for me back right now becuase she is so overwhelmed with work (70 hours).

 

And... I planted the seed, I said I knew there were problems and signs a month prior when we were in Vegas, and you decided to stay in the room by yourself (probably making calls to him), she didnt deny the probs. However I quickly said that I no longer wanted to talk about it. And moved right back to supporting her.

 

Truth is, I wouldnt take her back righ now. Especially while I believe that she only called me becuase she was drunk and lonly. I know it is a bad date for us (2 years today), but it contidicts everything.

 

She also said, "As soon as I am out of your life, your life got a lot better" (she was refferring to the fact I have lost weight by exersising and eating right, I destressed a little, and I decided to do some traveling, all of these she wanted me to do and I didn't). I told her thats only because I am trying to fill a void of her being gone. She said her life turned hell. She said she now eats red meat, and smokes again.

 

Oh well... I am handling today good so far.

 

Thanks for commenting Sandy.

 

I hope you get on track soon. If I can help, let me know.

 

Love,

Jordan

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Jordan5571 Well just maybe when she's sober she will make a little more sense... I guess maybe its possible she isn't exactly sure how to word things to you, especially being drunk...... But honestly I have trouble myself (something to do with pride I suppose) saying how I honestly feel (even when loaded). I suppose time might give her some idea as to how she honestly feels and how to put it to you if that is the case.

 

I haven't heard from my ex, but I'm getting messages through mutual friends that Jack (ex) has broken up with his ex (the mother of his 3 little kids) and misses me and is "very lost". Well I hope he stays that way. I know how forgiving I am, and I do miss him... but how could I ever forget what he did? But i'm not strong enough right now to even think about that. He also gets very emotional when he's been drinking.. and smoking (he's like a white Bob Marley) as far as that goes..... lol, so thats probably when he misses me as well, and probably not the way I'd want him to.

 

 

Sandy

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