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Need help.....Please advice


dilmi_b2003
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Hi all,

 

I did post here on above seeking help but my life is still a mess as the problems did not go away as I hoped. I will give a brief description about my story so that it would be easier for you all to understand/recall. I have been having an affair with a married man for 4 years. (I know its wrong and it was not my intention to do such a thing but somehow I got in to this mess and still paying for it). But about 1.5 years a go I ended it as it was totally messy and I could not take the pain it was causing. During this time his wife called me and asked about all these and I was honest and told her everything but at the end I said that it was over.

 

Anyway she kept saying that he is deeply in love with me and she would give the divorce and her blessing for us. Since I had feelings for him then I was also kind of happy about it. Months went by, there were a lot of talks about the divorce from him and her but did not see any action on it. By this time my family did not know anything about this and somehow she got all the details about my family from me and told them what I was upto putting all the blame on to me. I was very devastated at that time and decided to end all these and move on.

 

After few months due to the many fights which him and his wife had she decided to move out and once she was moved out he started to call me (even when she was with him and regardless the requests I made him not to contact me he kept calling me almost everyday, I even changed my number but he still found the new number)

 

The current situation is that in about 2 weeks time I am going to leave this job for a new one and all my contact details are going to change and have decided not to give him my new contact details so that hopefully he will stop calling me and saying that he cannot live without me etc etc. Also initially he said that he wanted to get the divorce and marry me and now he says he cannot do that because of the kids but still cannot think about a life without me. In another words he wants me to be his mistress forever which I did not agreed at all. It makes me angry when he even suggests that.

 

Day before yesterday he called me and said that his wife is also having an affair now. And she wants him to continue with mine so that it would be convenient for her as well. I feel so disgusted, angry and upset. Cos i really love this man and I always tried to help him, her and the kids when ever they needed my help. I even paid kids school fees few times when they were having financial difficulties. What I don't understand is that after all putting the blame on me saying that I was a bad woman she ended up doing something worse. I never cheated on the person whom I love unlike her. Also I never tried to destroy anyone's life unlike how she tried to destroy mine. Also he just sits and wait without making any attempts to solve the problem or stop contacting me and letting me to move on.

In summary I want to end all these and get on with my life cos my life is a lot more worth compared to all these. At the same time I am going through such a terrible time and the pain is beyond explanation. Please help me.

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You know you are being used by not just your b/f, but his wife too. It is convenient for them to stay together and convenient for her to have you on the scene. It leaves her free to do what she wants. You are being used like a pawn in a game of chess.

 

That part of your life is over. Move on and don't even give him a backwards glance.

 

It is all a bit sickening isn't it?

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Well you are dealing with two completely crazy persons. The fact is if you really want him to stop calling you there is even no need to change your phone numbers - you can simply ignore him. last time you changed number he found out and started calling you again - why you picked up? The last time someone was that boring and pushy toward me I said that person to drop dead, literally - he never called again. The fact is the only thing you need to do is stop answering his calls.

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do you want to be merely a 'convenience' in another married couple's life, or do you want to live your own life fully and openly rather than just being the third (or fourth) leg in this crazy marriage triangle (or should is say box if his wife also has a lover)??

 

affairs are frequently the safety valves that let pressure in a bad marriage, so your presense may be the thing that allows this sick couple's marriage to continue! if left on their own, they would probably implode... so you are only helping the craziness continue, not resolving anything by continuing like this.

 

that 'staying together for the sake of the kids' talk is age old nonsense that people who don't really want to divorce use as an excuse they hope their paramours will buy so they can continue using them.

 

don't let these sickos continue to use you. he can call all he wants, just hang up, and tell him you will get a restraining order to keep him away if necessary. the short term pain you feel ending a *sick* relationship is a small price to pay to get on with your life and get involved with a healthy normal man. i also suggest you get counseling to discover why you would even consider taking 'leftovers' from the marriage of that crazy couple...

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The easies way for him to disappear is saying to him that you will say to his kids that mom and dad are cheating eachother. And than that you will start to call their families with precisly describing where and when you've done it.

I know, I know, I am beeing mean, and I don't suggest you to do that. It would be horrible. It was just a way of telling how I really feel about the people like that couple.

Come on, it is so easy to disapear - he will stop calling as soon as he finds out that he has zero impact on you.

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Dilmi,

 

get as far as possible from this situation. I think you know what you need to do. You are going to miss him because you were together for such a long time, but all this pain is sooooo not worth it.

 

You have learned an extremely important life lesson. Never ever ever put your self in a situation where you are the "other woman".

 

Love

 

Z.

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Hi Guys,

 

Thanks for all the advices. And its all true what you have said here, I know I have been used bigtime by both - the husband and the wife. These days also he is in the town where I live as he has left home and practically lives with the money I give. I know its silly of me to do so but I find it very difficult to leave him alone knowing that he does not even have money to buy food. The wife is having a happy life in his house, using his money and his vehicle etc etc. I think I am nuts ha?

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I also found out recently that he did cheat on me with another woman. He said that he does not have any contacts with her any more as it was a casual thing and it happened few months a go. but about three days a go i saw a call which was made from his phone to that woman's number and when I asked him about it he told me that she needed a help with an issue she was having and thats all. It was only a one minute call. I am simply so fedup with all that and just wondering how come I do not have the strength to leave him knowing that he cheated, lied and used me.

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You need to go to your doctor and get tested for STD. You can't trust your partner and his wife may get infected by her lover as well. And who knows how many lovers the wife's lover has! This is a mess. You are not in a loving relationship, you are in a group sex deal.

 

Just get out and take care of yourself. You don't want to die from AIDS.

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Hi There,

 

This guy sounds as though he has no respect for any type of commitment whatsoever. I don't think that what you did was right either, and that by seeing a married man who had little problem cheating on his wife sort of set you up for the same thing happening to you (if he doesn't respect the commitment of marriage, and you were OK with that- why should it be any different if he wants to sleep with a 3rd person?).

 

I think the best and only thing you can do here is to stay out of this situation and try to get back your self respect and move on with your life.

 

Chalk it up to error in judgement and move on. You can do better.

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Hi Guys,

 

Thank you all for the valuable advice appreciate it. This is a real mess ha? I honestly hope that I would have all the courage I need to leave this man and the relationship behind me and move on with my life. I am still struggling but hopefully there will be a better tomorrow.

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