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asking 'where do I stand?"


shikashika
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I was reading somewhere that suggests if you ever ask this question in a relationship... you will lose the fun and 'carefree-ness of the relationship.

 

In that sense... if you ask a question such as "Where do I stand in the relationship?" or " Are we a good match" then the other person gains 'control'... adn this causes the relationship to lose the 'spark'

 

What do you think?

 

 

do you think asking one question like this (after a reasonable amount of time... say 2 months or so) can cause a relationship to go sour?

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I don't think asking a question can actually cause a relationship to go corrupt. It is just a question...maybe four words, which include a question mark, right?

 

"Are we a good match?" may be a question that shows you have doubt...this isn't very good. You are constantly trying to ask your partner for re-assurance. For example, "Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" This may lose the zestiness of a relationship because you are afraid to take chances. [This is my biggest problem - doubt]

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I don't think asking a question can actually cause a relationship to go corrupt. It is just a question...maybe four words, which include a question mark, right?

 

"Are we a good match?" may be a question that shows you have doubt...this isn't very good. You are constantly trying to ask your partner for re-assurance. For example, "Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" This may lose the zestiness of a relationship because you are afraid to take chances. [This is my biggest problem - doubt]

 

I remember saying it to an ex once.. something like "do you think we are a good match?"...but was honestly just curious... no doubt or worrying if he really liked me... but I think he over analysed it mroe than me... i wasn't really expecting an answer... but I think he assumed it was a do-these-pants-make-me-look fat kind of question!!

 

it seems that it takes a breakup for me to learn about all the things I said/ did wrong.... even when they were taken out of context...

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I think that perhaps if you need to ask it that is the sign that you shouldn't. Perhaps I'm being idealistic, but if it 'works' you will know it, and there should be minimal doubt about how the other person also perceives the relationship because you can see it through their actions, the way they look at you. If you need validation perhaps it's because either consciously or sub-consciously you've picked up that it's not quite happening for one of you.

 

Paradoxically, if you don't have a burning desire to know, if you have a quiet confidence about it all but think 'what the heck let's ask' that's probably when it does the least damage, and may even bring you closer together.

 

I do think though, that any relationship where you show rational interest and attention that scares the other person off permanently is a relationship that's not worthy of you in the first place. A genuine relationship with a person who 'gets you' should certainly not be hampered by a gently asked question after the first handul of dates or few weeks.

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^ Well said caro33!

 

I would also like to add two things here I've experienced:

 

1) I've had a woman ask me this question when breaking up with me, leading into explaining to me why the relationship was not working.

 

2) If you are interested in turning a friendship with someone into a romantic relationship, I think this question is a very important one to ask and discuss.

 

For me, over the years, I have come to appreciate the here-and-now in a relationship, let the actions and perception of the relationship answer this question for me, sort of a different aspect of the proverbial "actions speak louder than words" notion.

 

I will ask such a question if I feel a building frustration or confusion is affecting my ability to function in the relationship. In other words, only if necessary...otherwise I try to let it ride and enjoy the ride...

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I agree with Caro and Friscodj - if you have to ask 'where do i stand?' there's a good chance it's out in the cold.

 

I like to compliment someone I'm having a fab time with - things like 'I really enjoy spending time with you', or 'we're never going to run out of things to talk about', or 'god you're gorgeous!' etc etc. But I don't know, sitting down and analysing it can kind of destroy it. It's weird, isn't it?

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So ... if you are dating someone... and they ask YOU..

 

"Do you think we're a good match?"... if you thought things were going well, would you start to worry?

 

or

 

would you think... "gosh.. I don't want to be with someone like that"

 

or something else?

 

I guess I've had a couple guys ask me that... anad i've never read too much into it. I just answered... I came accross this article the other day that mentioned asking where you stand could cause problems... and it didn't really occur to me that much that it could cause problems... adn then I thought if how I've asked this question with someone I've been dating a couple of times... not because I wanted to breakup with home or was scared about the relationship.... just a question.. I guess I see now it could have caused him to think a bunch of things... or caused him to think I was unhappy!... maybe!

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I think at some point it is important to have a discussion about where things are going; at least it does depending on your own life stage and relationship goals. I know many people afraid of asking where things are going, only to be surprised when 5-10 years later they discover their partner NEVER intended to marry them for example, and knew it months into the relationship! Or, someone did not have the exclusive talk, assuming their partner was on the same page, to find out months later that in their eyes, it was still an "open" dating relationship.

 

I think the "talk" has the effect of making those run whom do NOT want more, but is something that is positive and brings you together when you ARE on the same page. So, for me, I do not see why if someone runs because of it is a bad thing...shows you there and then they are not for you!

 

I have never actually said something like "where do I stand" though, because honestly if I was not sure, I think I would already have an answer! Actions do speak louder than words. That being said, I have had discussions about where the relationship is going, periodical check-ins so to speak with my partner to discuss any issues, not just when we decided to be exclusive, or move in, but also just now and then to see how the other partner is feeling, and so on and what can be worked on. These are not high pressure moments...we both certainly know we want to be together, and we are just "right" together, but that does not mean that there should not be regular communication...because communication is important even when there is no conflicts to discuss.

 

You should know that you "stand" as an equal partner, you should not have to ask that. If you don't FEEL that, then you need to discuss that, but not by asking it that way - that only comes accross as being a little needy perhaps, and having low confidence in things..

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interesting to hear all your responses.

 

At the time, it had never occurred to me, before I came accross, this article that a comment / question like that could come accross as being needy, lack of confidence,insecure, I have problems with the relationship etc etc.

 

I've always asked lots of questions... it seems now that there are so many things I could have said that made someone run... or feel uneasy.. or who knows!

 

now that I think back to it... I think with my most recent ex... we were talking about people being a good match'... (I can't even remember exactly )... and I asked him SOMETHING like "do you think we match?"

 

Doesn't everyone ask silly questions sometimes? ... and they really odn't have much meaning It seems like I make these mistakes and pay for them! bla!

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