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Should I be concerned??


Captain34
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THe following thread contains a history of my situation should you wish to take a gander:

 

 

First of all, I started a new job today and am very excited and in good spirits. My ex ended things with me this past summer the night before my interview at the last place I worked, so I was very happy to have a much smoother transition into the new job.

 

On top of that, a girl who I have been casually been seeing posted on my facebook profile last night that she missed me - it was a good feeling when I read it. However I am concerned by this because I am afraid it may look as if I prompted the message to get at my ex, which I didn't. I went 2 months NC until my ex started showing up and reeled me back in so to speak, only later to blow me off when I left her a very kind voicemail.

 

Should I be worried about this now? Deep down I would like to reconcile with my ex, but I have healed to the point where I can accept it if it won't work out, and thus have been seeing other women. But it is trly important to me to be on good terms with my ex to keep the door open on at least a healthy friendship?

 

Ladies, if you were in my ex's position how do you imagine she would feel about this?

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Firstly I aint no lady

 

I would advise you to have a really hard think about this: Are you really seeking a healthy relationship with your ex? And if so, is it purely a means to achieve reconciliation down the line?

 

Only you know the answer to these questions, and I can only advise you to be honest with yourself (and in turn the board).

 

If you are viewing it as a route to reconciliation, then I would suggest you re-evaluate your quest for a friendship.

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foremost desire is reconciliation. I know she still has feelings for me, and I admit I am terribly confused by her actions the past month.

 

If that is not a viable option at some point down the road I would like to build upon a friendship. I don't believe these two options are mutually exclusive...

 

To be honest I feel like I have been too conciliatory towards her throughout all of this. Regardless, I'm absolutely against any action that is meant to hurt her out of bitterness or spite 0 and it isn't hard for me to avoid these actions because I'm not bitter or spiteful, although I am kinda sore about some things that she said. But then again I'm not angry, I understand that it has been a tenuous situation.

 

I am just concerned that this recent development will be viewed as an attempt by me to make her jealous. we had a break last winter during which I saw aforementioned woman for a while. And unfortunately after the last break I took the same girl out to a party and my ex was there. she was very hurt by that.

 

I know I have no obligations as far as my ex is concerned, but that doesn't mean I still don't care about her feelings. She isn't perfect and hasn't always handled this breakup well, but she is stilll wonderful and I love her.

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If the most recent development *wasn't* an attempt by you to make her jealous then I wouldn't worry too much about it at all. It wasn't your message afterall.

You are focussing alot on how your ex might be perceiving things, yet not recognising that your ex hasn't been extending you the same courtesy.

I think you have to forget how things may affect her - *especially* when there is no motivation on your part to do so.

 

I can't help but refer you to a sentence taken from one of your posts in the thread you posted previously:

 

"i was doing so much better with my NC, and then BANG, she puts herself right back in my line of vision."

 

For me, the first part of the sentence speaks volumes...and is perhaps what you should be considering

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I put this in your other thread.

 

Captain34, you are obsessed and it seems to me to be extremely unhealthy. I know you don't really want to hear that but it is true. Stop analysing everything the poor girl does or says etc. I am serious, if I was her, I'd be pretty freaked out about the whole thing!

 

I am sorry you are hurting but someone has to say it. Stop obsessing.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but you know it's true don't you? If you really did want to leave the door open, your actions have in all probability firmly closed it and locked it. And if I was your ex, I would have put huge, heavy bolts on the door too and got a couple of guard dogs!

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Survictor, if there is something I appreciate a great deal its honesty and forthrightness. I enjoy receiving feedback from both sides of the table on these forums. The fact that my ex and I have mutual friends who I don't want to enmesh in this situation leads me here to these forums.

 

I am sure I at times over analyze things and that this habit hinders my ability to heal from this situation. I appreciate your honesty and it is helpful that your post makes me confront that.

 

But your other remarks are just plain inconsiderate. I went 2 months NC in order to get away from this situation so I would not have the opportunity to continue dwelling on it....only to have my ex break NC. And since that happened I have taken steps backward because I am so bewildered by her inconsistent actions.

 

Maybe I am completely out of left field even consdiering how my ex would react as I stated when starting this thread. Knowing that she was hurt in the past by seeing me with the is other girl, the fact that I was not considerate to her in this way prior because I was angry, and the fact that she has told a friend of mine that she is still trying to heal from it all - that is my primary motivation in this case to care. Other times it is simply hoping to hold onto some hope, which is not healthy as you have reminded me. Regardless, I feel that without some concern above indifference it would be ignorant of me to say that I value my ex as a person and do hope to remain on the best of terms possible.

 

But as much as I've focused my efforts into feeling happier myself, I have also put much thought into handling the situation that is most chivalrous.

I have got a ways to go to correct how I handle this situation within myself, as you alluded to. But don't you dare demean me as if I act as a menace to my ex or in any way prevent her from leading her life as she chooses.

 

I've gotten some responses on these forums which have really hit home in a hard way because I've had to be plain honest with myself. Your post started off like that, but your lack of tact really grinds my gears.

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im not trying to play games, believe me.

 

whats your advice on how to correct my perspective?

Set out the ultimatum of "either we get back together right now and work at this, or i'm outta here and am not interest in friends or keeping in touch." Then you can move forward in one direction or the other. Anything else is spinning your tires and digging your own grave.

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