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please help me. im so hurt.


jengh
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First let me start by saying I'm somewhat overweight due to a medical condition.

 

I've been in a relationship for 7 months. The sex was great in the beginning and since it's almost nonexistant. I got to the point that I demanded he just tell me why. This is what he said (also why the sex with his ex tapered off) on msn:

 

 

Jackie gained 30lbs after we got together and I never * * * * *ed about it but things did slow down between us because it got to be the same old thing because she couldn't do a lot of things and it just wasn't comfortable anymore. I'm not saying that you have but I know you have some, I can see it. I most certainly don't love you any less it's just not as enjoyable to make love.

Hence the reason I make the little comments about you not doing anything during the day and when I say anything like that you get pissed and stop talking to me.

 

Jen says:

im not mad...

Ben says:

But you are something

Jen says:

hurt, crying, shaking, nautious, deflated, depressed...not mad...not angry.

Ben says:

You wanted to know.

Jen says:

i needed to.

Jen says:

but if you really want to know, my weight has stayed almost exactly the same, give or take 1 or 2. It's one of the things i'm most self conscious about and every doctor has told me it's almost impossible to do anything about it because of the PCOS. I hate you seeing me, i always feel inadequate. I can tell you're not attracted to me, never have been. I Just.... dont know.

Ben says:

That might be the case, but if it is then the weight is the same but it's moved to different areas of your body.

Ben says:

Doesn't help with some of the clothes you wear either.

 

 

 

i have probably the worst self-esteem when it comes to this. This just crushed me completely. I'm sobbing, shaking... He didnt even say anything when I mentioned him not being attracted to me. oh god..so hurt..

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His comments make me so mad! I know some people would look at it as being honest, but really you haven't gained any weight and here he is knocking you down. Besides, as you get older you gain weight...usually. What happens when you have been together for ten years and you actually DO gain a few pounds? What about when HE gains weight? He certainly doesn't sound very attentive. Do you love him?

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i've never loved anyone the way i love him. That's the problem. He's soo skinny too, which makes it worse. I feel so inadequate. I feel so ugly. I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

To make matters worse, this week is period-week which means my mood is god awful to begin with.

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I'm so sorry. That was really insensitive of your boyfriend.

The things he said just sound so, I don't know...stupid.

I mean it's one thing if he was to say...well you don't dress as sexy as you used to. Then I could understand why he'd not be as interested in sex. But your weight hasn't changed!

 

Hmm...now that I think about it...could it just be the way that you've been dressing lately? Does your underwear still match? I know that sounds so dumb, but maybe that could spice some things up?

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I'm so sorry. That was really insensitive of your boyfriend.

The things he said just sound so, I don't know...stupid.

I mean it's one thing if he was to say...well you don't dress as sexy as you used to. Then I could understand why he'd not be as interested in sex. But your weight hasn't changed!

 

Hmm...now that I think about it...could it just be the way that you've been dressing lately? Does your underwear still match? I know that sounds so dumb, but maybe that could spice some things up?

 

The clothes thing... I dress very well. I actually take pride in the way I dress. It's always been important to me. Everything is either JCrew or Banana Republic. Classy. Things always fit properly, so there aren't bulges or anything.

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I'm sorry you got your feelings hurt, but remember they are "feelings" and the FACT is you are beautiful just as you are... wieght can shift in our bodies if we do not excersize and I mean just a twenty minute walk three times a week can put the wieght back where it looks "better" on our bodies, but this is NOT the issue here.

 

When someone loves you, they can make a choice to love you completely and inspire you to be the best you, and not be critical or hurtful, yes you did ask him, but he could have phrased things in a more sensitive way, if he were mature enough and loving enough of a person.

 

You want a man who has the sensitivity and love to say something like "I love you so don't worry and I'm sure when you are ready you'll get into whatever "shape" you are comfortable in...sure, I find you "more" physically attractive when you're a bit more in shape, but it's okay, I love you, and I'm here for you if you want me to help at all". That is the loving thing to say...

 

Life is tough, and if you're going to be in a relationship, remember to "choose" a guy who loves you for YOU, and who you feel "comfortable" with and can be your total self with... this guy is not "thee" guy for you, that's all. Don't beat yourself up with self doubt, you are worthy of a better man, a more suited match for YOU.

 

You have a choice here to thank him for his honesty and to also really take time for yourself to think about whether this is the type of man YOU WANT to be with, it's not HIS choice whether you are "okay" with how he is choosing to say things to you.. it's up to YOU to protect your precious heart and give it to a man who is "loving, kind, considerate, sensitive" as you are...

 

If your medical condition makes it tough for you to "lose" wieght then that is a part of you, and it's just the way it is, that's not something "real love" would make an obstacle out of... so it's time to re-evaluate whether this guy is good enough for YOU. Not the other way around.

 

You are perfect as you are, loving and kind. Sure your feelings are hurt, but that's how you would feel about yourself whether this guy said something or not, and that is the real issue here, so start Today by telling yourself that you are "worthy of a wonderful man who will accept you exactly as you are" but first YOU must learn to "accept yourself" and respect yourself, love yourself as the wonderful special girl you already are.. then and only then can you open your heart to "real love" from another person.

 

if this guy can't see that more than your wieght than he's NOT worthy of your energy, sadness, or your precious heart. Start today by taking care of YOU.

 

We are all here for you, if you need to vent. best, Blender

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just to throw this out there...

 

a couple of weeks ago, I started running 3 miles daily, 5 days a week. it's not like i'm doing nothing about it. I eat healthy, nothing fried, try not to have excess amounts of sugar/refined carbs, lots of protein. Argh. I told him I can't be with someone who can't love me for me and that I need some time to think.

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I just got off the phone with my ex-boyfriend who i KNEW would be honest with me. He told me this:

-I have not gained any weight (he sees me once a week-ish)

-The sex between us was always great (for him...i thought it sucked..heh)

-There's nothing wrong with my clothes!

 

 

 

Thinking about it, my now-boyfriend has never told me I'm pretty or that I look nice "today" or whatever... The ex ALWAYS did...even when I was so sick I couldn't brush my hair for a week.

 

Sigh... this is going to take a while to sort out.

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Care to share a little more about your relationship with him?

 

I'm still finding his words very insensitive.

 

I am in a relationship right now. My boyfriend made a comment about how his friends always goes for looks and looks for nothing else (stability, etc.) He also makes comments about high maintenance girls. Rarely makes comments about my looks. I feel put off as well.

 

I think for me - If a person truly loves me, I expect them to show it in all ways. Don't put me off because I gained a pound or my hair isn't fixed right. I expect them to tell me and show me they love them often. I expect them to find me beautiful always and express it.

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well, if he said, "he loves you the same as he always has" why is that not good enough for you? do you not feel good about yourself and you are wanting him to feel that void you feel in your own heart? Because that is not possilbe for anyone else to do for you, that is up to you... love yourself if you want someone else to love you.

 

I didn't realize he said he loves you the same as he always had, men are just "very visual" at times, and you did ask him "why?" sex had slowed a bit, so be willing to accept his truth about it, and be more accepting of yourself as well. What is it you want to time to think about? Is it how HE feels about you, or how you are feeling about yourself? He said, he loves you just the same as he always has.. didn't you hear that part?

 

You can't have a selective memory about only the "negative" you have the HEAR all of what he said in response to your question..right?

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jen4413,

 

I think that his explanation is him lying, probably not intentionally, to himself. You asked him why, and I think he told you why he thinks it is, but I also doubt that is really the reason, and I do because he wanted you when you were about the same weight, right? But he finds himself not wanting you, he looks at your body and does not want to jump on it, and he wonders why himself.

 

Now, I could be wrong, but I think it is probably familiarity, not your shape. If it was just your shape, then why did he want it before. However, something which we can see everyday, something we can have whenever we want, well, we want that something less.

 

I don't know how to change the direction, especially with the cards on the table that the conversation put there, but it might be worth thinking about.

 

Bravo on your beginning to exercise.

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this relationship has been a lot of work. moreso than any other i've been in. Conflicts with his grandmother, conflicts with distance (we live 2hrs away from each other), conflicts with his stupid friends..and now this...

i'm about to throw in the towel and say forget it. I see him again Wednesday. If we fight, bicker, argue, whatever.. i can't do it anymore.

 

Thank you for your kind and helpful words.

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Well niether of you can "do it anymore" the way you have been, some compromise and understanding has to take place in any relationship, if you do not share these qualities with each other, then yes, move on.. but do it with kindness... let go with love, you will always feel better about yourself if you break up in the kindest way possible, and for reasons that are about YOU and what YOU want and not pointing out what is wrong with the person you are breaking up with...

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Man, smack him...

 

Does he know how shallow he is being?

 

god...its not like he has women knocking down his door. i just don't get it... why would someone who says he loves you so much say something like that? Yes, I asked..but 1) be a little kinder about it... 2) why would you be with someone who youre not attracted to?

 

I need to stop crying. I need to do something. He hit the one spot that is the most vulnerable.

 

Why does it have to be cold and snowy/rainy out... All I want to do is just sit outside, on grass and think. Stupid northern michigan.

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Sigh... Now all he's doing is apologizing profusely, saying he IS attracted to me, if that wasnt the case he wouldnt get hard just thinking about me...

 

he needs to make up his f-ing mind and stop being an idiot.

 

I've decided not to just break it off with him quite yet, but see him one more time and hear him out, in person. Then make up my mind. We're going downstate this weekend and will be in the car for a few hours. Perfect time to talk then. This way, I can't get pissed and walk away like I often do.

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His tact is severly lacking. He said "I love you the same as I always have"... that is such a wishy-washy answer it's disturbing... how has he always lived you?

 

Sometimes it's better to be in a position to walk away and, even if you don't want to be, I wouldn't do it on the way down... do it on the way back... who wants to spend the whole time upset?

 

I'd watch the push-pull from him.

 

Good luck.

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His tact is severly lacking. He said "I love you the same as I always have"... that is such a wishy-washy answer it's disturbing... how has he always lived you?

 

Sometimes it's better to be in a position to walk away and, even if you don't want to be, I wouldn't do it on the way down... do it on the way back... who wants to spend the whole time upset?

 

I'd watch the push-pull from him.

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, definitely on the way back. It's my college orientation thing and I can't be upset for it. He made me so mad when I told him my period started:

Jen says:

sweet, i just started bleeding

Ben says:

Nice, from where?

Jen says:

where do you think

Ben says:

Oh, that sucks.

Jen says:

its not like it makes a difference for you.

Ben says:

Sure it does.

Jen says:

how

Ben says:

Because you still will be when you get here.

Jen says:

yeah i guess.

Ben says:

Then it makes a difference.

 

Does he HONESTLY think he's going to get any?

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