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Flirting, a crush, are you sitting down?


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Okay - I'll try and condense my story:

 

BACKGROUND:

Met this guy about three months ago, instantly smitten on him. At the time I was dating another, which ended quickly due to other problems. Since then my crush on this guy has become more and more intense, to the point I went out and got drunk to drown out these intense feelings I had. (Now let me stress, I NEVER DRINK!!) I finally told him a few weeks ago that I liked him because the stress of dealing with this on my own was getting to be too much. I still have had no definite 'yes' or 'no' answer. We planned to have a 'part two' conversation, and it hasn't happened due to time constraints (work, college etc)

We are still communicating as usual.

 

MY CURRENT FEELINGS

I'm going insane. I'm physically exhausted feeling this way; like someone has hit me with a truck when he doesn't answer my call or if he doesn't come out to have drinks with friends. I can't even stand being in the same street he lives on (even if that may be 15 miles away) in a pub because he's not there with me. However, when I'm around him (which is not often), I feel soo good, So calm and never want him to leave. It physically hurts and makes me depressed when I have to go home or if he has to leave.

 

WHAT I TOLD HIM

That I had feelings for him and that having a crush on him was the reason I got drunk for the first time. He also knows I was crying over it the night I got drunk. I explained to him the number of occasions I had tried to tell him but to no avail (forces/fate putting obstacles in my path?)

 

ADVICE, PLEASE?

My query, I guess is much like jumping the gun...

 

I want to know if, based on the below info, this guy has been stringing me along or ...well whatever your suggestions are of the situation.

 

Let me first just make it clear that our primary communication is through texting. We've talked on the phone maybe a handful of times and physically hung out maybe 7 times but usually in groups with friends.

 

Queries:

1. When we first met he asked for my number.

2. After I broke up with my ex, in the beginning most text messages ended with 'xx'

3. After I broke up with my ex, he invited me to visit his folks up north on my own (nothing happened) and to meet some more of his friends

4. On a few occasions we have - well what I understand to be - flirted through texting

5. I'm always the first to initiate a text conversation, or call him.

 

Okay, go for it!

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Thanks Scout, glad to be here!

 

Basically there was a bit of running around to get him to be in the one place (he travels back and forth between his place and his folks up north each week) I finally sent a straight forward text that I wanted to talk about something specific and to arrange a time when it suited him.

 

I ended up being slotted in about 15min before drinks with the boys, so I left it until I was to head home at the end of the night. While waiting for my bus, he and I talked at the bus stop in person.

 

All he said was he had a suspicion that I had a crush and that he was flattered. That was it. We talked about other stuff not relevant to this (waay too much stuff to even cover!) as well as got interrupted by a drunk and finally my bus came when we were still talking about the crush issue.

 

For part two (if it ever happens!! grr), I plan to shut up and let him hold the conversation.

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hi and welcome here!!

this reminds me of my own situation,had a crush for months,finally wrote him a letter telling him,and his response....i like it,but i will get back to you on this subject!!!

and i was like,WHAT???and now what???

a few months past,and i thought i was being rejected but that he didn't have the nerve to tell me,(and also my friends said so,but i still had a gut feeling that he did like me,so i decided to wait,and do nothing)then he asked me out,and we've been together ever since,already more then one year now!!

what happened was,that when i confessed my feelings,he still wasn't sure of his feelings,but didn't want to turn me down before exploring them,he just hadn't thought of me that way yet...

this could also be the case with your guy,i suggest give him some time,and let him contact you!!gives him time to figure out if there is something there,and also you won't look desperate,chasing him....

i was also always the one to initiate contact,someone suggested i should be less available,look busy and don't call him,and i was afraid to try that,because i felt i would lose contact then,but surprise surprise,if he doesn't here from me,he now calls me himself,just to hear my voice and tell me he misses me,so i guess these things do work!!!!

so my advice,try and calm down a bit (allthough i fully understand how nervewrecking this is!!!! i had to go on like that for four months!and we worked together!!very difficult!!)

but you have to concentrate on you!!you confessed your feelings,give him now time to process it....maybe he also has other stuff on his mind...

i say that he didn't immediately reject you,so that is a good sign,also based on the other things you wrote....

don't push him for an answer!!!

goodluck!!!!! i hope it works out allright!!!!

and also follow your instinct,what do you think?you know him,you spend time with him,we don't know him,so it's hard to read his mind...do you honestly think he likes you or is stringing you along?i find that instinct is very important....

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since you are so tense about this situation, i think passively waiting is probably not the best choice, since it has been several weeks since the first conversation. His saying that he had an idea about your crush and it is very flattering is really a non-answer, becuase it doesn't tell you how he feels about you. i have used those exact same words on someone with a crush on me, where i *didn't* want to date them, but didn't want them to feel bad so i said i was flattered, but no i would rather not...

 

so he left the important part out, the part that comes after 'i'm flattered', which should be you answer, either no i am not interested, or yes i am interested, or variants thereof. so that is the answer you need to focus on getting from him, and that only takes a second to say it! so all the complicated time issues really don't matter and are just excuses for non-contact, it only takes a second to say he is interested and wants to try it, or not interested, either not right now, or not ever, or later...

 

so i don't think he is necessarily stringing you along,but he certainly isn't being fortright and considerate of your feelings since he knows you were anxious about this and are wanting to hear his feelings and decisions about you...

 

i would try to pin down a time to finish your conversation, or leave him a voicemail or text and just ask him if he'd rather you just be friends or would he like to date you?

 

it also gives me a bit of a pause that he only responds to texts and doesn't initiate them... he may be comfortable in that passive role, where it is 'ok' that you are friends with him, but he does not want to encourage it to the next level by initiating things with you.

 

so i think you have every right to ask him for the second part of your answer, which is is he interested in dating you (and if so, let's do it), or would rather just keep it at friendship level. if he hems and haws a second time, he is probably not that interested,but doesn't want to hurt your feelings so avoids it...

 

good luck, if he's not the one, there are more out there, keep looking!

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Thanks for the advice Sara!

 

You make some good points I haven't actually considered before and I'm PRAYING they work out like yours!!

 

In relation to the 'part two', while it's killing me, I'm waiting until he says something. Like you said: desperate/chasing him is not a good look! (lol) and you're right - he needs time to process.

 

He's a shy guy and getting him to discuss this subject was an effort on it's own!

 

Right after he found out I was with someone else at the time, he seemed to suddenly form a crush on my friend. (While I was a bit cut, I was excited for my friend. Hell, she had a pretty cool guy after her! lol)

 

It took me all of ten seconds to realise he had a crush the next time we all hung out and when we were alone for a few minutes at a pub, I confronted him (nice and casual) about it. He instantly turned red, and slinked into his jacket in shyness. I felt so sorry for the guy! Here I am hitting him up on the spot about something he thought no one had noticed! Later he wrote me a text saying that he did have a crush etc. I sent one back saying it was excellent and that they should talk to see where they're at. Not to mention 'good luck!'

 

However...

 

this shyness can be a hazard - he and my friend NEVER actually sat down and talked it out. It was basically info through friends to each side. Eventually their friendship turned very sour due to the lack of communication. It sucks now, because I love them both soo much and they can't stand to be in a room together when they have nothing to base this argument on! (life is weird)

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it also gives me a bit of a pause that he only responds to texts and doesn't initiate them... he may be comfortable in that passive role, where it is 'ok' that you are friends with him, but he does not want to encourage it to the next level by initiating things with you.

 

I agree. this worries me a lot, in terms of sliding towards not interested.

I've tried leaving it for a few days to see what happens - Nothing. And I always cave in after 48hrs because I'm dying to know that he's still alive and of course 'hello, I'm here! Don't forget about me!' there's a guarantee for a reply to my texts.

 

What throws me is the flirting we used to have. We've only ever done it a couple of times, but it was obvious flirting as confirmed by at least 8 objective people who aren't my best friends (long story) who want to make me feel better. While I totally agree with you that he may not want to encourgae it any further, I'm dying to know from him whether those allegedly flirtatious comments were just him being friendly as in he always writes like that (which he doesn't with me) or him being *friendly* ...something which will hopefully come up in part two depending how it goes

 

 

gawd... look at this page. It's filled with me just talking and talking about him. I really am f*cked aren't I?

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you're wellcome,glad to shed another light on the situation!!

i know for a fact,(was also true in my case)that so many,even most people say that it looks like he's not interested,if a guy likes you they will come to you,but i know from personal experience with my boyfriend,that there can be other explanations for his behaviour,now i'm also not saying that i am right and that this is also the case with your guy,but it could be!!

and before i didn't even know yet that he is shy,shy guys are even more difficult to read...

and being shy myself,if someone told me that they had feelings for me,i would appreciate to have the time to think and respond,where if they were to push for an answer i would clam up,and feel pressured!!!

so i still say,don't push and don't force him to answer....

giving him time,helps him to feel more comfortable,and shows that you respect him,but again that is just my opinion,and how i would do this(and have done...)

i know for a fact that if i had pushed my boyfriend for an answer (and i did try a little,by asking him if he didn't understand that he made me nervous by not answering)it only closed him up more,and he avoided me for a while because he felt uncomfortable around me...if i pushed more i know that i would have lost him....he has that habbit,(he was hurt very badly in the past,sexual abuse and all)if people make him uncomfortable,or scare him,he cuts of the friendship,his philosophymbetter alone then being hurt by others all the time...

took a long time to gain his trust,and in retrospect i now understand that my letter scared him a lot!!!

there is always more to people then meets the eye,and you can't read minds...

keep us posted with the progress,i'm curious how it works out!!!!

if you want to,feel free to pm me!!

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and i strongly suggest that you don't contact him!!!!for at least a few weeks,to see if he misses you!!!!!because that worked for me too,and still does!!!he knows that you will contact him,so no need to do any work now,but if you don't contact him,maybe he'll wonder what's up,or will be afraid to lose you!!

be strong and don't text or call him!!!!this pays off!!!

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Hey Sara,

 

Tell your boy my heart goes out to him re: being hurt badly with abuse etc

 

I'm gonna be seeing him this weekend - I only found out yesterday he was going to be at the same event as me! oops. I think the only problem with not talking to him, at the moment is that I talk to his friends as well and - as above example - usually end up running into him..

 

Though I want to try it when I go home (couple of hours away) for an internship in December and see what happens..

 

From talking to his friends and himself, he seems to have lost his confidence in the last few years. I don't know why though. He's even too nervous to show me a tattoo which he mentioned to me he just got done a few weeks ago and would show me, which is on his shoulder blade! Hmm, I spose thinking on it, it requires him to take his shirt off...

 

On the odd occasions we have a chance to be alone, he has told me things that he hasn't told his friends - I guess because I'm not close to his group to re-act the way they would. Stuff that would upset his friends - wanting to move back overseas for example. Plus I've told him from the start that I'm always here to talk. He appreciates that.

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thanks for your sympathy for my guy!!sweet!!

the fact that your guy tell you private things that he tells no one,is to me a good sign,he wouldn't do that if he didn't trust you!!and he feel that he can confide in you,which is important...

also my guy used to do that before we went out,that gave me the idea that there was something there...

let it slowly develop from there!!he knows how you feel,no need to bring it up again,when you do see him,like this weekend,be friendly to him but don't be clingy or give him special attention,it might scare him....

i think your right about why he doesn't show you his tattoo!!he realized too that he has to take his shirt of and is probably scared that you can't stop yourself and jump onto him

i know that it is hard when you do see him,to be a little distant,because you want so much more,i used to work with my guy,he knew my feelings and was always watching me,but i tried to keep a little distance...not give him more attention then would be appropriate...this gave him the time to be comfortable aroun me,and gave him time to process my loveletter...

what i mean is,when you run into him,be friendly,that's okay,but stop calling or texting him for a while!!!

he now already knows that you will text him,so no need for him to do the work....let him see that you have a life outside him,and when you do see him,be friendly,nothing more!!

when you said that he lost confidence,my guess would be that he has been hurt,maybe in a previous relationship,or even fallin gin love and the love was one sided,and that maybe why he is carefull now....

he doesn't know what kind of person you are,maybe you're playing with him(not that you are,but it may be a subconscious thought for him....was also the case with my guy,while my feelings were very sincere,he had the idea,yeah right i've heard this all before and that girl played me,so why should this be different...)

give it time!!!give him time....guys don't like to feel pressured...it is nice that you told him that you are there for him if he needs to talk,that is sweet!!

take care!!

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Hahaha you're absolutely right I'd jump on him if he took his shirt off!

Ahh frustration..

 

I've got to admit, after hearing what you have to say Sara, it's put my mind at ease. I'm fully aware that this situation will probably not turn out the same way as yours, but at least it's something positive in comparison to other advice I'd been given by friends! (no offence to them!!)

 

On the weekend I plan to just have a good time and hang out - not even bring up the part two conversation. Like you said, he knows so why push it with reminding him..

 

I can well understand your point about him being careful.. My first thought has been from his perspective: I'm friends with a "man-hater" as he would call my friend he had the crush on. So quite possibly I might be as well. The texts I got of psychoanalysing why she is a b*tch and why she destroys mens lives! argh!!! He actually appologised for sending them after I told him I liked him, realising it would have driven me nuts. I was honest with him and said yes, especially as he didn't know the problems my friend was facing at the time, as well as not really knowing my friend at all.

 

Plus being hurt at other times by girls - What's hard is trying to make him understand that I want to see him happy in his life and that I'm not out to just screw him (both meanings) then move on. I freak everytime he drives from his parents to his place at night or if he gets sick, and will call up to check he's okay, or get him to text me to let me know he got home safe. (lol he thinks it's sweet I always send him "get home safe" wishes) I love and crave having more conversations with him about life, music, art, stupid trivial stuff. We've only had a few conversations where he isn't in a rush to be somewhere and they're great! I know there's something going on behind those beautiful eyes of his and I want to know what makes him tick.

So I'm absolutly praying that he comes around in a few weeks/months time after we get to know each other more. After all, in a message he sent (not a text) to me about relationships, he feels that getting to know someone is the best part! I agree.

 

I guess all good things come to those who wait..

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I don't think he's stringing you along. Has he asked you out on a proper date in advance that he plans where he contacts you? Has he told you he has intentions of a serious relationship with you? You are not a victim - you are choosing to pine after this man who is allowing you to pursue him and who apparently enjoys flirting and the attention. It sounds more like you are infatuated than anything else and that you are caught up in the "larger than life"/drama aspects than whether you actually like him as a person. You are in love with being in love.

 

And as far as the "he's been hurt before and I want to be the one to save him" stuff - look, if he wasn't ready to have a relationship with anyone and he saw potential in you either he would be "ready" or he would tell you that he didn't want to hurt you since you confessed your feelings and would stay away until he was ready for a relationship and then contact you. He wouldn't want you to be hung up on him and pining away if he cared for you. Instead, he is enjoying the ego stroking that he gets each time you initiate contact. It's not about whether he's been hurt before - we all have -- it's about his reaction to you.

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I have always known since the moment I told him that he's probably enjoying the fact that someone likes him. Hell, his line of work implies that infatuation for him. Since telling him and knowing that guys ego's tend to enjoy this game, I have cut right back to the amount of communication I will have with him. What used to be like 20+ texts back and forth to eachother each day, has come back to maybe 2 - if I even text him that day. Today I didn't text for example. Or over the weekend for that matter.

 

I can respect your points and you're right on some....except maybe this one:

 

You are in love with being in love.

 

I actually don't. The whole reason I got drunk that night was to get rid of those 'love' feelings. The whole point of this thread was to unload those feelings and the anxiousness I'm getting from the whole ordeal. Trust me when I say I'm sick of feeling 'in love' for this guy especially as it isn't being returned.

 

Update Like clockwork, I ran into him tonight at an event. It was alright - first time seeing eachother in person since the night we spoke (just over 2 weeks) It was pretty much the same amount of attention in terms of chatting and, well, from my end I didn't feel arkward about it. I chatted to his friends while he was talking to others or what not. Every now and then we'd start talking about stuff. When I had to go, again it happened! - that arkward 'what the f*ck do we do?' in terms of just wave, shake hands or hug goodbye.. it was kind of comical. Though I did notice he sneaked looks at me more often than usual. Probably checking I was still alive on the lounge. lol

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You're absolutely right! - there is no justification for me getting drunk! I was pretty pissed off with myself for falling to that level afterwards.

 

To me it was a pathetic wake up call to do something about this problem - ie. tell him. And I did. The intensity of those feelings are less intense and more tolerable because I'm not having to hide my feelings completely. Like I said before, I also told him the reasons behind getting drunk because he knows I never drink. He was kinda shocked.

 

I told him to be straight up with him. so sick of the games and dancing around issues, I'm being straight up honest with him about it all.

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Update

 

I think I've decided to be a-sexual after this weekend's events.

 

Found out he has had a girlfriend since we first met and failed to mention it! And to top it off, he and a friend did a girlfriend swap one night a few years back. * * *!?

 

So I'm very curious why hardly anyone in his circle of friends knows about this relationship and that he was openly admiting he wanted to date my friend while he was already taken!! I was also asked to pretend I didn't know this information - WHY!?

 

I also want to deck him one for breaking up with her over the phone over the weekend in between getting drunk and partying!

 

I'm still pretty shell-shocked over the whole thing. When I found this information out from a close friend of his I was literally shaking all over with fury and shock.

 

The moment I don't want to smash his face into the pavement and hope he dies a slow horrible death, (i.e look at the whole situation in an objective manner) I'm going to demand a part two and see what this a**hole has to say. I'm dying to see what fairytales he can spin after this!

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Don't be asexual - just stop chasing men and justifying it by getting drunk and/or claiming they are "shy" - obviously based on his behavior he is far from 'shy" - flirting with you was a bit tacky but he never asked you out on a date, told you he had sincere feelings for you and was interested in a relationship with you - etc. He flirted - many people flirt even if they have a significant other - if it crosses the line it can be tacky but it's not a crime. In the future I would suggest not getting all dramatic (and drunk) over a crush and believing that if a man is sincerely interested in you he will call you and ask you out in advance on a proper date that he plans. Nothing else counts meaning nothing else should occupy your time and certainly should not become the obsession you chose to let it become.

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