i have to break n/c or i cant move on!!

[kath123]

i have posted a few threads relating to my situation.Partner left me 4 weeks ago, there was someone else involved, but i dont know if this is still ongoing ,i havent asked.

in fact i havent asked any questions at all or let him know my true feelings. Its getting to the stage now where i feel i have to break the n/c just to give me some peace from the torture of not knowing.

last night in bed i wrote him a letter it was very long so i wont post it here,but basically it was telling him what his actions have done to me,the person i have now become.which is someone who is frightened of everything, i cant listen to music or watch tv because everything upsets me too much, i cant take our children to the places we used to go as a family, even though the kids are begging to go.i have tried but the nearer i get to these places, i know i will break down so i have to turn back . In fact the only places i can go to are those that we never went together and after ten tears there arent that many.

I really think he deserves to understand the pain that his betrayal has caused.

I think, he thinks im ok with it, or that i may even be happy, because ive been putting on an act in front of him,but nothing could be further from the truth and its eating me up.

I still love him deeply, and know he has treated me very badly and this letter was by no means a begging letter , but i did state that i would like to be able to talk to him about things one day,because to end up like strangers would mean the last ten years have been a waste, i dont want to end up as a distant memory as if "we" never happened.

I havent sent this letter yet as i need to be sure it says everything i need to say, I really want to know if he's happy if he thinks he made the right decision. sometimes he looks so sad that i nearly ask him but havent let myself.

I am also thinking about sending a simple text saying "are you happy" just that, and if he replies saying "yes" then obviously i will have my answer and accept it for what it is, the pain cant get any worse whatever, and to let everything go unspoken after all our time together (which up until recently was very very happy) would be be so sad, and stop me from healing because i would always be asking myself should i have spoken to him .

I also understand that the advice most people would give is to wait to see if he comes to me , but i know this man very well ,and now that the truth about his infidelity has come out ,he would think that there is no possible way i could forgive him, and I would have thought this myself ,but now im not so sure.

I miss "us" so much, he was so loving and devoted that its still hard to believe this has happened. Please help me!!

[AngelEyez]

Well, I think you have a right to send him this letter in order to explain what a fool he was for cheating on you. You have a right to tell him how he made you feel, even though I'm sure he already knows, but maybe he cares to ignore it? Maybe he's in denial...Maybe he thinks, "A lot of people do it, why not me?" Whatever is going through his mind is his business, I guess. You should focus on yourself at the moment. Ten years was a long time you spent with him, so this is a drastic change in your life. Rather than dwelling how he hurt you, look to the present at what you have, you're children. Spend time with them. Even though they may not really know what's going on with their mother, they can really comfort her. They aren't clueless individuals just because they are young, they know when someone hurts. If he responds to this letter or not, is his decision. Don't dwell on the past, focus on the present. Take it one day at a time. Sending this letter will probably finalize everything, meaning you can finally know whether he truly wants to be with you or not. But, even if he wants to go back to you, would you let him? Would you let the past go, and worry about future happenings? Make your choice wisely.

[kellbell]

Hey there kath,

 

Do not send that letter. I know you want to very much so but your feelings and emotions are fresh and raw and it is easy to make rash decisions while feeling this way.

 

Do not send that passive aggressive text, "are you happy?" If you do those things, like send that letter and those kinds of texts, it is only going to push him far away and solidify his decision for breaking up with you and justify his infedility. An ex did the same to me, wrote letters, sent me flowers, email and all of those made me very angry, uncomfortable and more happy I am out of the relationship.

 

Closure comes from within, no one can give that to you. I know you feel betrayed, angry, hurt...but those feelings WILL pass. The fact he had that capability to hurt you in this manner, any heartfelt letters are not going to faze him. They probably will not make him feel guilty in the least. The best revenge is living well and being happy. I know that seems impossible at this point but that time WILL come, I promise.

 

I would burn that letter and start taking of YOU. Hang out with your friends. Post here as much as you need to. There is a ton of support here. Hang in there.

 

(((hugs)))

[kekep]

I agree with Kellbell. Sending the letter is not going to bring you closure. The act of writing it is a step in closure, b/c at least you get your true feelings out there. It isn't true that you won't move on unless you break NC--if you can be honest with yourself, you are looking for a way to contact him b/c you are hurting. But look at it this way, he is the REASON you are hurting. If he wants to come back to you and truly loves you, he will move mountains to win you back.

[Juliana]

Kath, you're doing great, you really are. I know exactly how you feel; watching tv and listening to music was absolutely horrible in the immediate aftermath. I'm much better now. But listen: There is no way, no way that he can feel or understand the pain you are in. You could write like Shakespeare, and he still wouldn't feel the pain. He knew he was going to hurt you when he did it, and he still went ahead and did it. The only thing he can feel is his own pain, and that is the only thing that might bring him to reconsider what he's done. If you write to him, you will actually be comforting him with the knowledge that he is still important to you.

 

I'd be honest in my dealings with him, but I would never make the mistake of thinking he could understand the depth of my hurt. In fact, I know he couldn't.

 

Sorry. I'm praying for you. For us both.

[kath123]

Thankyou all, and thankyou juliana for your continued advice, i do feel a little stronger now and im glad i came on here before i made any contact.

I understand that he cant feel the depth of my pain,but shouldnt he at least be made aware that you cant just walk in and out of peoples lives without knowing the consequences of his actions. This wasnt just about him and me ,we had a family and a responsibility to that family,which is ultimately left to me now,even though they are still in contact with him,its just enjoyable visits for him and harsh

reality for me, i cant believe i spent the last ten years with someone so selfish,because he never acted selfishly in all the time i knew him. how can someone suddenly turn into a different person so quickly?

[blender]

You're going to make it through this heartache, but he does not hold the "closure key" only YOU hold that... and by writing it all out and posting it here you did the right thing by not sending it to him. I have a theory that if the "ex is NOT asking" then why say or tell them anything. There is no need for you to give him the "gift and satisfaction" of your attention, be it negative or positive, it's making HIM more important than you and that will not be helpful in YOUR healing.

 

As far as him cheating, let him live with "himself" on that one... that is his "life pattern" and he will do it again to another woman, no need for you to "educate him" on "love"... don't give him that gift.. he lost the privlage of your attention and love so do NOT give it to him.. this time is for YOU to heal and have the courage and strength to maintain "no contact" this is YOUR power, this is about YOU now, no more energy towards him.

 

He is NOT your happiness. YOU are your own happiness. right now you are hurting, and that's normal, you lost what you "thought and hoped" he could be in your life, but you found out that he is NOT actually going to be that guy.. that's YOUR discovery, so remember it, and mourn the loss of what you "Hoped and dream" for, but try to not mourn the loss of who he actually turned out to be in your life..... good riddens to THE REAL HIM...

 

Ten years is a long time, but he didn't "turn into a different person suddenly" it just finally "revealed" his true self.. and that is a blessing, no more of your precious "time and heart" will be given to him.. that is for YOU now.. one day at a time with NO CONTACT, you're doing great, hang in there, we are all here for you.. best, Blender

[sandyv]

Yes, my ex bf walked away with ZERO explanation, just expected me to die like roadkill on the side of the road. Seems like he has absolutely no conscience whatsoever, what a creep....... if time heals all wounds lets hope that time wounds all heals....

 

Take care of yourself, it can only get better

 

Sandy

[desertnomad]

Sending the email is probably not going to get you what your looking for. My ex did the same thing and I thought if she could understand how much she hurt me she would feel remorse and maybe try to work things out. It only empowered her more and made her more set in her ways.

 

Most cheaters have to justify their cheating and keep up a good self image of themselves. They cant think for a moment how it might have hurt the other person or it would make them feel guilty and like a bad person.

 

She doesnt seem so happy now either so rest assured what goes around comes around. Even though that doesnt lessen the hurt cuz it hurts bad I know.