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this past weekend my ex and i met for coffee...he basically said he hasnt stopped thinking about me for months and that he wants what we had and only with me. hes willing to show me how much he cares and understands that i do not want to rush back into anything. he said he broke up with me for the wrong reasons and that even dating other girls, its not what he wants. so how did we get here???

 

1. when we broke up i let him go

 

i completely severed all ties...from june to october i seen him twice and that was because mutual friends were getting together. during this time, i spoke to him a handful of times online. and these were light hearted conversations like how are day was. nothing about the relationship.

 

2. i focused on myself.

 

after breaking up he was no longer my concern, i couldnt be worried about someone who didnt want me in their life. i worked out, i dated...bascially i was focused on moving on

 

3. i wasnt an emotional wreck

 

at the times i did see him or talk to him i didnt appear needy, begging for him to return, i was confident and sure of myself...and sometimes this took a lot of effort.

 

4. our break up was an honest one

 

he didnt string me along, and thats why the break up felt sudden...we didnt break up due to cheating, lying or mistrust. he was unsure of what he wanted in his life and needed to take a step back and figure it out. while breaking up he told me not to wait for him and even though the truth hurt, it was the best way to move on.

 

5. i knew if he wanted to talk, he would know where to find me

 

i always let him initate the conversations, again..he was no longer my concern. its true when they say if your ex wants to contact you they will find a way. vertually two months of not talking and he still new my number when he wanted ask me to meet him for coffee.

 

6. my focus was on him never coming back

 

during this break I casually dated other people and lived my life as an individual...i was trying to move on and so was he. even after both of us dated other people those loving feelings we had for eachother didnt go away.

 

 

theres also several factors i want everyone to keep in mind if the dumpee is ever thinking of getting back with their ex:

-proceed with caution, if they come back in your life, they should be willing to prove themselves to you all over again if they want you that bad

-take it slow. this should be approached as a new relationship, observe how the other has changed, in terms of needs, wants and future aspirations

-if you decide to take them back, discuss why you broke up in the first place, work to improve it, then let it go. you cant build a future relationship if your stuck on them hurting you in the past. you must forgive and move on

 

cheers!

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Thanks for sharing! I like all the points you made... did you really feel all those points (such as #2, .. you weren't worried about him) or was that what you wree TYRING to think.

 

How long were you together before you broke up? you said, he when he broke up he said he just wasn't in the right place... have you discussed this with him and are able to move on from there?

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Nice thread!

 

Tread with caution enotaloners!! This has clearly worked out on this occasion because of the reason or lack of one for breaking up.

 

I doubt this would work for cheating/lying etc......

 

true, I have had similar breakups to this one, but we never got back together. I think it's not only the circumstances of the breakup, but the couple themselves. There is no equation or one-way-fits-all.

 

I think you can really tilt things in your favor by focusing on yourself, but if someone doesn't want to come back, they won't, no matter what you try to do.

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sparkle thats a great point, if he ever cheated on me or ruined any of the foundations on which makes a relationship strong i would never, ever take him back. no one deserves to be with someone who treats them so poorly.

 

 

shikashika...that midset of not concerning yourself with them takes practice, of course once we broke up i always thought about him, but you have to train yourself not to be concerned. at first its extreme effort, but it gets easier. we were together for a year and a half, and he was trying to figure out if he should move back to his home city or not. both of us have recently graduated from college, and we're going through that transitional phase into the real world, because our break up had nothing to do with our relationship itself, its much easier to discuss my concerns, but it past me, and move on from here

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Wow my girlfriend who just recently broke it off with me pretty much the same way, well said pretty much the same thing. It's just I dont know if I could ever handle her being with another guy. It would drive me crazy to know that, after we have been together for near 3 years.

 

My story

 

 

 

It would also be really nice if I could chat with someone who has been in the same situation. PM if you want to.

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Thankyou for sharing your experience with this psu! Your strength and determination and wisdom in this are a huge inspiration for those of us going through similar things.

 

...that midset of not concerning yourself with them takes practice, of course once we broke up i always thought about him, but you have to train yourself not to be concerned. at first its extreme effort, but it gets easier.

 

This is just what I've been learning lately. Its absolutely essential that you focus on yourself because its only in doing this that you can see the situation for how it really is rather than focussing on the details which only drags you down and dwelling on what they might be doing/thinking/etc etc. And like you say this takes mental and emotional discipline and guts but in the end its the only method thats going to bring any positive result if a reconciliation is possible.

 

This illustrates a very important fact which is this: If the love between the two of you is strong and good and you are essentially right for each other then you will come back to each other no matter what it takes to get there. Like the old saying goes, "If it is meant to be then it WILL be!"

 

A beautiful and inspirational post. Sincere thanks for sharing it with us psu.

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  • 2 weeks later...

hey everyone,

 

i like to share with all of you an update to my current situation.

 

from reading this post, you are aware that my ex has come back into my life. and this was about a month ago. im happy to say that we are still not official yet. i am happy about this because we are truly not rushing back into anything. like i said, its not him i dont trust, but i have insecurities about getting back into a reasonship with him, and he is working to show me that he is here to stay.

 

i guess i do have control at this point over the fate of us, and if any of you are ever in a similar situation, try not to take advantage of it. if you really want to get with an ex, you have to let go of the past. you can learn from it, but if you hold it againest the dumper, your relationship will be doomed before it even takes off. right now, im still not official with him because im not ready to stop asking him random questions about the break up. he is more than willing to ask whatever questions i have while using that to rebuild what we once had. he knows im not at the same place i was back in june when things ended, and this rebuilding requires patience, understanding and a willingness to make it work...equally from the dumper and dumpee

 

also, for those who may have recently been dumped: you may be looking for answers to the thousands of questions you may have about your breakup...and the best advice i can give you is not pressure the dumper into answering any questions. you cannot see what the futrue holds, and if you read some of my old posts, i did not know my ex would be returning to discuss everything after 4 months. if the dumper comes back into your life, THEN ask them whatever you may need to ask, until then, leave them alone, and find your own sense of closure.

 

i wish all of you the very best today and always

 

 

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Well put PSU.

 

I think you're smart in your approach. if someone dumped you....they are capable of doing it again. If someone can walk away from you so easily , and make the decision to come back...then they SHOULD be held accountable for why.The dumpee is NOT obligated to simply accept the terms and conditions of why the dumper left and why they want back. At this point...it is vital to find out exactly what happened...and how to prevent it from happening again.

 

I hope everything works out for you.......sounds like ou have a good grasp on things.

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She said "maybe it's for the best right now". But this is what she said after she said her "feelings had changed".

 

So I dunno if I have the same chance you two did, but I'm not too fond of her for saying that.

 

Do not say something like that unless you ACTUALLY MEAN IT.

 

I don't think she meant it.

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