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Signs he's gay vs. signs he's not


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Okay. I'm gay and in a long-term relationship (well, nearly 1.5 years) with the love of my life, a guy (we're both 21). That's all fine!

 

Problem is... for the past half a year I've gradually become more and more attracted to my coworker who is only 17, in his final year of high school. For the past couple of months, we've gotten to know each other better and he's actually been fairly keen to come over a few times and go bowling, play monopoly, the three of us had a drinking binge one night and he got pretty loose.

 

I need to know whether he's gay asap before I go insane. If he isn't, then I can forget about him and move on with my current relationship. If he is gay (and possibly attracted to me) I will need to make a decision.

 

Here are the signs that he's not gay:

1) he likes cars (and planes and wants to be a pilot, and he's just a smart sciencey guy in general)!

2) he doesn't have a particularly gay speech or walk or anything, although kind of has a deep bass 'sensitive' voice (kind of like mine).

 

Here are the signs that he IS gay:

1) he told me he hasn't been attracted to girls in the past year (since he got sick), eg. "i've had several offers from them but i just wasn't interested"

2) he goes to an all-boys school

3) he always refers to his future partner as "someone" or "they" -- he never says "i want to date a GIRL who..." etc. Also, whenever he refers to a mate's "girlfriend", he is quick to say "(not mine)" in parentheses.

4) he has a pretty good fashion sense

5) he brought up a book involving bisexuality, but when my bf furthered the conversation (online), he said "i'm not getting into this"

6) he hugged my bf three times when we went for a drunken walk and said "i love you" all three times. I questioned that but he said, drunkedly, "well you wouldn't want to say "i hate you" to someone who was hugging you and thus could strangle you!

7) he came over on saturday and my housemates said he was "all over" me.

8) i'm a composer and he keeps stating how much he likes one of my pieces and he went around playing it to his friends at school on his ipod.

8) plenty more subtle things and stares and stuff. he has SMS'd me several times spontaneously which is not usual for a straight guy, friend or not.

 

I could go on... but to me the fact that he genuinely seems to like cars just throws my gaydar off. Any thoughts?

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OK, first the signs that he's not gay prove nothing. Lots of gay men like cars and planes, lots of straight men don't. I'm straight and cars leave me cold.

 

As for the signs that he may be gay, 5, 6,7 and 9 are strong signs that he is. 3 and 4 may be. 1,2 and 8 have nothing to do with gayness. I went to an all boys school and I'm straight.

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It is possible that he is gay. It is possible he isn't sure and is testing his feelings. It is possible that he fancies you. It is possible he just thinks you're a really cool guy.

 

The only way to know is to ask him, but please remember what it was like to be 17 and please do think of your current partner's feelings, who obviously cannot be the love of your life if you are considering making a move on this boy.

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Thanks for the replies, guys/gals. FYI, his dream car is apparently an expensive Audi (he loves German cars) and he loves the British automotive TV show "Top Gear".

 

Here's an update nevertheless: I told him online, just before, that I had something important to tell him, and he said okay but he had to rush off to his friend's house, and we had a quick five minute convo. I told him, and he was very supportive, and I dunno I felt I got from him like a sense of relief that I told him.

 

him: "what i think of you will be affected in no way by your preferences... it doesn't matter whether hetro homo or bi to me i will always think of you just the same"

him: "do you have feelings for me that goes beyond a friend?"

me: "your intelligence alone is pretty attractive"

him: "haha stop flattering me"

...

him: "it takes a lot of courage to say what you said"

him: "and just let me say that im really (proud?) of you for saying what you said, honoured that youd entrust me with information like that and i just want you to know that instead of thinking less of you, i think more of you for your courage"

...

him: "thanks for the talk - we'll chat later"

 

So no outright admissions on his part (straight or gay) yet. He's clearly going through a delicate time in his life either way so I don't want to persuade him one way or the other. In fact my bf's brother is his friend also, and told me he doesn't want me/us converting him gay. Is that even possible?

 

EDIT: My boyfriend understands that it's normal to have crushes on other guys while in a relationship (particularly after some length) and I love him so much, but I also wanted to ask -- should I not test the waters with this guy? In the scenario where he does reciprocate, what happens if he's "the one"?

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He sounds very mature for a 17 year old, but he does also sound confused about his sexuality and wants to be able to make up his own mind, which sounds pretty sensible to me.

 

I suggest you work on your existing relationship although he obviously isn't 'the one' if you imagine this other guy might be? You are very young yourself too and still finding yourself.

 

One thing I do know now (I am mature) is that relationships aren't plain sailing. Their are ebbs and flows in a relationship and we respond to our partners subtle mood changes etc. To make any relationship work, you have to work too and so does the other person. It's a team effort.

 

The other guy isn't sure and wants to make up his mind at his own pace. Keep the relationship strictly platonic and let him come on to you if he wants to.

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It might sound like I'm being two-faced or whatever, but it's hard for me to know what to do... I can't avoid how I feel towards a guy. I wish I could. But I can't, I really really like this other guy and my bf and I have agreed to just let the crush run its course. Hopefully it's just a one off mid-relationship crush (he really is one of a kind - soooo smart, sooo cute and handsome and gorgeous, soooo friendly and loving, and warm and interested and interesting and... argh....!!! i can't imagine many other guys of this calibre taking my breath away like this), but if it turns out he likes me back (which from the way he hasn't really said much to me since I outed myself to him, doesn't seem very likely) is it wrong to embrace the potential of that??

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Hi Eiwob,

 

I feel your pain- I see this happening to me at some point possibly...

 

The most important thing is that you are completely honest with your current boyfriend about everything. He sounds extremely understanding. As soon as you start concealing stuff from him you are going to be in a ****load of trouble.

 

Also- this likely could be "grass is greener" syndrome. When you are thinking about your next move consider all the shared history you have with your current boyfriend, all the experiences you've had together- versus something that might not even come to be... Likely this boy is gorgeous.. God do I know the type, and I am practically helpless if a green-eyed boy smiles at me, but try to be strong, try to judge independent of his hotness if you can.

 

Consider also that he is 17- that's a significant age difference, think about all the life that gets lived from 17-21, and some of the difficulties you'd have.

 

Keep us posted, good luck with whatever you decide.

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Wow. All I can say is, sucks to be your boyfriend.

 

I'm sorry. Off topic, but really. Don't play your cards like that.

 

If you feel you might leave your BF (WHO IS THE 'LOVE OF YOUR LIFE') for this 17 year old boy who might or might not be gay, then for god's sake, end your relationship NOW.

 

Give your partner that respect. Do not drag him along until you find out this guy's orientation.

 

You are keeping your long time love as a safetly net in case you don't get your way with the coworker???? Grow some balls. Its one or the other.

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I appreciate your honest and direct comments.

 

I will never leave my bf. I love him like he's my best friend, my husband, my father and son all wrapped into one.

 

I'm just being honest by admitting that the problem is I've been getting mixed messages from another boy, whom I have such an INTELLECTUAL affinity with, that, because I'm so young, I'm getting confused as to what I truly feel, and what I SHOULD feel.

 

Of course it makes me question my relationship with my bf. In fact, we were talking this evening and I came to the conclusion that I find it really hard to draw a line between friendship and love. Like, I love all my friends. I love my bf. I'm attracted in some way to a couple of those friends (all straight), I'm attracted in lots of ways to my bf.

 

But I've never had a friend who's felt similarly in return. My instinct tells me to explore it, in case it benefits me in the long run. But I know in my heart I shouldn't do that, because it's wrong and it would hurt my bf.

 

You're right, I have to pick one or the other. But I guess I thought it made sense to find out the other guy's orientation (and reveal to him my orientation) before I made the decision. I know, it's such a stupid thing to have to consider. I hate the whole situation I'm in. I'm trying to control it, but I'm new to this and it's not easy.

 

The heart wants what it wants. I don't know how else to say it. I'm in love with one person, and really really like someone else, of which more COULD come about. Which does/should the heart truly want? Should the mind step in?

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I will never leave my bf.

 

And if the coworker is indeed gay and wants to return your affection? What then?

 

Bye, BF, bestfriend, husband and son!

 

I can understand if you were in a mutually open relationship. Or if you have expressed your plans in full detail to your bf and he is absolutely cool with it (which would lead me to think that he either loves you so much to put up with this treatment or is a total doormat).

 

I am giving you a straightforward comment as possible because I am surprised you haven't gotten any yet, considering your scheme. Understand that in a long relationship, the passion and excitement dies down over time. Crushes on other people is normal. But acting on them while still in the comfort of your relationship net? That's a whole different ballgame. This to me is not a question of following the heart or the mind, but a question of morals or RESPECT if you will. If your bf knows about your entire plan to ditch him when you find out if the 17 year old likes you, then feel free to toss my opinions out the window. If that is not the case, feel free to toss them out ANYWAY.

 

...it's wrong and it would hurt my bf.

 

In the end this is ultimately your decision. I'm glad you have an idea of the repurcussions of acting on this itch.

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