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He suddenly pops up...online...


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I wasn't sure where to put this topic...so hopefully it is the right one. I have some friends that have "myspace" profiles, so they asked me to look at their profiles (I do not have one). So I am checking it out...and I just had this thought "Hmmm, I wonder if HE is on here".

 

He is the guy I dated for 5 years and almost married (Gulp! Thank the Lord on that save I had boyfriends before him...a few months, few weeks, dates, flirts etc. But from the 19-24...that, to me was a significant part of my "relationship identity" if you can call it that. The relationship had a myriad of problems constantly. There were several times in the relationship where we would fight...and I would get the "You'll never do better than me" lines, or the "No one will ever want you" kind of things. This was over 2 years ago. We broke up...I worked very hard to fix everything I could (that I thought needed work) so that if/when I had another relationship...I wouldn't be bringing in any baggage.

 

About 4 months after breaking up...I started to date again, and I was not even rometely 'successful'. It was truly terrible. So I decided to literally stop dating all together, and was actually not even open to dating/relationships/sex/intimacy etc.

 

So I see his profile, get a small thrill of satisfaction that he looks worse than he used too. I get to the "Status" part of the 'profile' and it says divorced. Now I am thinking what is going on??!!So I check the online gift regestry..and sure enough he got married earlier this year. Completely shocked me. I am assuming that things aren't going so well, hense the 'divorced' part.

 

Just to make one thing clear. After we broke up...I never wanted anything to do with him again. He lied constantly, cheated, never had a job, was insecure, needy, cruel etc, and I still feel the same now. I don't want anything to do with him. I am not regertting anything, and I have no wish to contact him.

 

What is getting to me...is I can't help feeling that what he used to say "No one will ever want you" is correct. I have gone through bad dates, Parties/bars where the men all chase the centerfold looking types, the men who only want a fling, rejections, disinterest, flakiness....and I have not encountered anything significant.

 

Logically, he isn't/wasn't successful at the 'relationship' game...ie: divorced. Yes, he managed to find someone (or anyone) to put up with him and his problems (not exactly a great thing).

 

I guess I can't help comparing. I guess...if you were to compare the two of us...no one would have guessed that it was me who doesn't date/have a relationship...and he did/does. Sounds a little silly, but I guess I just needed to vent. Any insight or opinions would be appreciated.

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Its never correct to say "noone will ever want you." The fact of the matter is, you drive your own relationship-destiny. And you leaving him behind, shows just that. And dont get bent outof shape because you aren't IN a relationship now. Sometimes the prepwork you do OUTSIDE of relationships, develops you enough to participate in one. Needless to say, yes...not going out/dating its lonely...and even annoying sometimes. But again, with the destiny thing. Just go out...and eventually someone will come along.

 

But also keep in mind the company you are among. Do you really feel you need to meet a guy at a party/bar? Why not the supermarket, on the street, in a bookstore, cafe. Though alcohol is the social lubricant, its not "us" in our true form. Explore people who are not putting on a show, and find them in thier most serene, if not "normal" state of minds.

 

Endstate: Don't ever believe someone who tells you how your life will go. Fact of the matter is...most of thier comments are based on thier own perceptions of themselves...keep plugging and realize there is always someone out there...but you aren't going to find him by looking.

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I think that...on the rare occasion I do get down on myself...that "thought" pops in there every once in awhile. I stopped dating over a year ago...because honestly, it was not going well. LOL...actually they make for some pretty funny stories now.

 

No, I don't feel the need to meet guys at a bar or party. I don't go to bars...it's been years actually...yes, a pub every once in awhile. I am not much of a drinker at all. I went to my first party in last week since high school...lol (HS was 10 years ago..lol)..which was a lot of fun. Irony - A lot of the girls there invited me out (ppl I had never met before) and gave me their numbers (and vise versa) stating that I was a lot of fun, funny, cool to talk to etc.

 

Some days I wonder if I can have a 'normal' relationship...because such a huge chunk of my 'history' was this guy. I do not discount bookstores, coffee shops, grocery stores...and all the 'low-key' places to meet people, however; most dates/relationships are not formed from the 'cold call'. Most are formed/found with friends (and friends of friends) and work. I honestly know very few people (like 1, ever) that has gone up to someone in a public place to ask for a date or phone number. (Where no social lubrincant is found

 

Honestly, I think after that relationship ended...and I was 'dating' I was focusing too much on it...it was driving me nutz...and I just needed to stop...and put that energy into something else. And I did. This is the first time in over a year..I have even started to re-evaluate dating/relationships. This does not stem from my discovery...I started thinking about it before that. I think what it comes down to...is I know it is wrong logically...but when I get a little down...emotionally I just want to prove it wrong, to myself. The whole thing is rather insane really...because there is no need to prove something that I already know...to myself. I guess those 'meloncholy' states gives me self-doubt. Perhaps it is my job getting to me (I work with all women)...and all I hear about all day is marriages, babies/pregnancy and mortages.

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