Yet another "my current <whatever> still talks to her ex" thread

[nicepants]

Hey guys... was just bouncing around the intarweb and landed here.

 

So, here's my current situation. I've been engaged for over two and

a half years now, everything is going pretty well (everyone has their

ups and downs, no?) - except for the recurring problem of her talking

to her "ex."

 

As a general rule, I try not to talk about past relationships at all when

I'm with someone new. It's just a personal preference. When my fiancee

and I started going out, she I guess felt the need to let me know all

about everyone (well, maybe not everyone) she'd ever been with, etc.

 

So, shortly before our engagement, this guy came back into town that

she'd known for a long time. She told me "she didn't know what she was

going to do," and obviously I told her she needed to figure that out and

get back to me. It still hurts. Long story short - she said she wanted to

be with me, and we're together now.

 

Thing is, she still talks to this guy - I'm not sure how often. She says

they never were in a relationship, that he was just a player type that

used her for sex and that was it... like that's supposed to make me

feel better. She didn't tell me how long this went on for, but I think

it was from her around sophomore year in high school until he left

to join the military sometime after. She said that he just called her

and told her he was leaving a few hours before he got on a plane.

Her feelings for him were one-way, which only makes me worry all

the more.

 

So sometime after she decided that I was the one she wanted, I

noticed that she was still getting calls from this guy. She's one of

those women who hangs out with guys more than girls, and she

still sees her longtime guy friends and occasionally her other ex's,

who I've met and have no problem with her hanging out with. But

looking at the nature of her "relationship" with this guy, I don't think

I'm being crazy not liking her talking to him. She told me he had

called her up and told her he was sorry for how he'd treated her,

etc. and she just wants to be friends with him. So they talk, I'm not

sure how often, and whenever I see his name on the phone I just

walk away and bottle it all up - though she knows exactly how I

feel. I've never told her she needs to break contact with this guy,

though that's how I feel.

 

When we first started going out, I found some poems she wrote

about him on her laptop. Longing love poems wondering why he

didn't love her the way she loved him. Back when she first had

told me about him, I made an offhand negative comment (I

honestly don't remember what I said, but I'm sure it was a blanket

statement about men who treat women badly) about him and she

went off, basically telling me I could say whatever I wanted about

any other of her ex's - just not him. Once, she had asked me if I

would be okay with her visiting him at his base when she was going

to be near the place at a soccer tournament - I said no, and to my

knowledge, she didn't... then again, I wasn't at the tournament.

 

So, I'm not sure I'm really looking for advice... maybe I just needed

to vent. It just seems like guys that treat women like garbage, use

them for what they want and don't give it a second thought get

all the second chances in the world, and those of us that try to

be nice and do "the right thing" get... well... what I'm getting

now. I love her with all my heart, but every time I see his name

on her phone I just want to go break both my hands punching

a wall somewhere... I usually just take a walk and try not to think

about it, which invariably fails. I'm a very easygoing guy, but it

always puts me in a horrible place. Sorry about the length of the

post and the topic that seems to come up over and over, but if

anyone has any input on the issue it would be greatly appreciated.

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

This will corrode your marriage unless it is dealt with. It is OK for a partner to have friends of the opposite sex providing they are just friends but the history these two have makes that a different issue.

 

The bottom line is that you should tell her it is causing you distress. If she cares enough about you she will give him up. If she refuses I think you should call off the engagement because marrying her under this cloud would not be wise.

[brando]

Well since you cannot stop her from doing what she wants, you are going to have to accept it for wha it is, and decide if you still want to marry this woman.

 

I am not sure if you are too insecure over this one guy, or you have a valid reason for not trusting her. It is a trust issue here.

 

THe more attention you give to this situation, the more ugly it will become. Even if you put your foot down, she can still talk to this guy. If you try to lay down the ultimatium, then she may just walk, which has little to do with how she feels about her, if this guy for whatever reason makes her happy, in the littlest way, she will not want to be put in a place to choose between you and him. The less you show it bothers you the better it is for you. Again it is about accepting this for what it is.

 

The decision is yours. Do you go on with her knowing this guy may be a part of her life, or do you have the talk and possibly end your engagement. ?

 

Tough call.

[Juliana]

You can't actually tell someone how to live their life, who to see, what to feel or think. No one can. It's pointless to even try, and I am very surprised that people continuously say something like: "Should I let them see/do such and such" when in fact, they're going to do whatever they want, either in front of you or behind your back.

 

So. Your job, in all this is to first of all realize where this might be headed, and guard your heart a little. And secondly, to protect her, by pointing out what I'm sure she already knows in her heart: That although her feelings for him might be sincere, and she might be capable of a friendship, he is most likely playing her to see if he can get her away from you. He didn't want her before, and the only reason he wants her now is because she has the added attraction of being in a relationship -- the challenge makes her interesting, her unavailability makes her interesting.

 

Tell her that her loyalty is wonderful, but wishful thinking on her part will not change the fact that this man has used her and thrown her feelings away in the past, and he is perfectly capable of doing it again. And then, if she still forbids you to say anything unkind about him, realize where her loyalties lie.