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Ms. Babydoll
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The past 3 weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster for me.

I met an older guy who I became attracted to and soon we became very close and I was seeing him a lot. At the same time my boyfriend and I were distant and I was feeling lonely so I guess I was searching for comfort and I found it in the company of this older guy.

About a week ago I visited this older guy, got a bit tipsy and cheated on my boyfriend with him. Luckily I realised I was doing something wrong before anything went anywhere further (sex etc) and I stopped him and told him we couldn't, he agreed it was right for me to stop it because he has a gf of his own.

The next day I told my boyfriend what happened and I was really expecting him to break up with me cause what I did was wrong and I didn't deserve/don't deserve his forgiveness. But amazingly he did forgive me and I cried in his arms with relied and promised him I'd never cheat again.

A few days ago the older guy and I began NC and I think it is for the best because otherwise I'd still be confused over everything.

So now I'm doing everything to make it up to my boyfriend and I'm trying really hard, believe me I really am. But since I told him everytime I try to be nice he throws it all back in my face and makes me feel like crap. I know I deserve it and I know I've hurt him and he needs time to get over what happened it's just I feel like we are stuck.

I need ideas to how I can really earn his trust back and learn to forgive myself. Does anyone have ideas? I don't want to lose him and I know what I did was awful and I'd take it back in an instant if i could, I just really wanna hear from someone/ some people who have gone through the same thing and what they did to get through it, please help.

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Hi Ms B,

 

This is a tough situation.

 

Obviously you know what you did was wrong and hurt your bf alot and you are going to need to earn his trust back and it may take some time.

 

Having said that, your bf also made a choice to forgive you and to stay together. That is not an easy choice to make, but if it is really what he wants then he needs to also put up some effort to forgive and work through it with you and move forward- because your relationship will not survive otherwise- and you cannot fix this on your own.

 

I think a good idea would be to talk to him about it again. Apologize again for betraying his trust and ask him what things you can to do to help him feel secure that you won't let this happen again and that you are 100% commited to him and this relationship.

 

Then tell him that if he wants to work it out, it's going to take both of you to work on it and he also needs to be willing to forgive you and to stop punishing you for what you did. Suggest counseling if you think it might help. Be open and willing to work at it, and don't accuse him, just tell him in a non threatening way how you feel.

 

He chose to forgive you so he must love you alot and really want to work through it- but try to also understand that it may take some time and that he is hurting really badly right now, and this is a terrible betrayel to him, and try to put yourself in his shoes and think about how you might feel and how you might deal with it. This may help you think of ways to help him deal with it too.

 

Good Luck!

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I agree with Hope, the fact that he throws it back in your face tells you he doesnt forgive you. And though you did something against your relationship it doesnt justify him making you feel like crap, and once you start that behavior it wont stop. As Hope said counseling is a great start for you two. I have to wonder about your true feelings though, and i dont mean to badger you, but this started because your relationship felt distant. Are you sure your feeling like crap because of the impact on your relationship, or because you outed yourself and became labeled a cheater by him.

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babydoll, the first thing you need to do is try to understand why you would encourage a flirtation with another guy while supposedly 'in love' with someone else. are you really 'in love' with your boyfriend, or just in need of a boyfriend and ego constant gratification from some man??

 

i responded to your post on another thread where you said 'love overcomes all', but one needs to stop and think about what love means... love is NOT an emotion that comes and goes based on how much a particular man is gratifying your ego at a particular moment....

 

it is GREAT that you caught yourself before you cheated badly on your boyfriend, but you should really understand that HE is the one being wronged there, not you, and HE should be crying in your arms due to the hurt feelings, not vice versa, you crying in his because you feel guilty and are worried he will dump you because you have misbehaved and betrayed him....

 

so if your boyfriend really does mean that much to you, you need to constantly acknowledge you were wrong and there was no excuse when he brings it up... if he loves you, he will eventually get bored with throwing this in your face and stop it. if he sees your betrayal as an unforgiveable act, or he doesn't really value you enough to overcome it, it may be too late already, and the relationship will wind down, regardless of what you do...

 

so focus on repairing the damage you did him, not on your own emotions about feeling guilty etc. you need to convince him that he is the most important thing to you, and you had a moment of temporary insanity by even encouraging a too close 'friendship' with another man... and prove it to him, become the trustworthy person who does not put herself in situations that might encourage infideity, become someone he can respect. don't for one minute be the needy 'comfort me, i was a bad girl' that only proves you are self centered and thinking of yourself, not his feelings...

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I agree with BeStrongBeHappy.

 

It is not only your bf choosing to stay in this relationship, it is you as well.

And it is you who commited an act of betrayal.

He has a real reason to not trust you yet, and to be angry. I personally think he is should be allowed his anger for a while. Not forever, not as an abuse of any sort - simple anger and expression of his feelings right now.

 

If you do not feel 100% commited to it right now, you can and should leave now. Not later, not after giving him hope.

 

Basically, you need to decide now. You cheated which is the equivalent of saying "I am leaving you" and then you came back, and he accepted that. So did you really mean to come back? If you did - it is you who must put in the heavy work right now and prove to him you are there for him for real.

 

tc

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You were lucky he decided not to leave you, instead forgive you, I firgure mostly b/c you stop it before letting it go further, which is good. Yes you cheated, but you can prove him that you are for real this time by your actions from now. Time is very crucial right now and his anger is a regular reaction.

It will take time that's for sure, but less since it never got to sex.

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Didn't you post a couple of weeks ago asking whether flirting was a good idea in a relationship? I recall 90% of us told you not to do it but you ignored everyone's advice (especially the guys'). Sorry to sound harsh but you should have taken our advice. Let your boyfriend go, he doesn't deserve an emotional rollercoaster.

BTW I totally agree with BeStrongbehappy. Your boyfriend was the one who was wronged. Try to feel sorry for him for a change, not for yourself.

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I think just putting yourself in a situation where you were flirting with another guy and almost cheated on your BF should be justification enough for him to Cut You Lose......Even though you told him afterwards, he will always be wondering, "Where is she, and what is she doing when she isn't with me?"

 

No one needs that kinda crap in their lives. Making a relationship work these days is hard enough....Hate to be cruel but you'd be out the door if you were my GF.......

 

One last thought....will you run to this older guy or some other guy if your BF begins to act distant again??? I bet you will!

 

Good Luck!

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Tell your man how you feel, both about him and what happened. Tell him you are sorry and that you want to work it out. If he continues treating you poorly, tell him that you want to take a break from his mistreating you until he is ready to forgive (not forget, he wont). During this time, dont date, kiss or sleep with other men. You are simply giving your man some time to digest and come to terms with what happened without having to be a target for his frustration.

 

Otherwise it may take 3 months for him to get over it and during that time hes gonna make you hate him. Trust me, thats what happened with my girl. We had some problems, I grew very... how shall I say, upset, angry, bitter towards her... I decided I couldnt do the relationship anymore. In hindsight I should have just taken a break until I cooled off.

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Rabican said: In hindsight I should have just taken a break until I cooled off.

 

****

 

Well, and then what, go back to her......???? I really think some mistakes you can forgive, others you can't. So..every time a relationship is having troubles, it's ok to go out and flirt with others, then confess to your partner, forgive and forget??? No one should be a doormat for another....I would advice anyone to Cut the Cheating partner lose....

 

As another poster said, some people have "Intergrity" meaning they would never cheat no matter what the circumstances, and others have "No intergrity" meaning they would cheat.

 

Why waste your time on someone who cheats or "Kinda cheats".......

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babydoll, you mentioned in another thread that you are only 13 years old and have found true love with a boyfriend, yet in this thread you are drinking and dallying with multiple men, including older guys... this is *illegal* activity at your age and you are not of an age that should be considering these kinds of activities...

 

please stop playing games with all these people and yourself. at your age you could easily contact diseases and a pregnancy that will negatively affect the entire course of your life, or get labelled as a tramp by your acquaintances at school and ostracized by them, which is a burden no young lady needs to have at your age.

 

please contact a school counselor and talk about some of these issues with them. and i hope you are NOT misprepresenting your age to these men/boys you are toying with, that is not fair to you or to them because they could be arrested and have their reputations ruined... give yourself a chance to enjoy being a young girl and stop messing with drinks and deep relationships with boys/men when you should be out having fun with your girlfriends and other group activities, not getting deeply involved with boys/men and drinking.

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Rabican said: In hindsight I should have just taken a break until I cooled off.

 

****

 

Well, and then what, go back to her......???? I really think some mistakes you can forgive, others you can't. So..every time a relationship is having troubles, it's ok to go out and flirt with others, then confess to your partner, forgive and forget??? No one should be a doormat for another....I would advice anyone to Cut the Cheating partner lose....

 

As another poster said, some people have "Intergrity" meaning they would never cheat no matter what the circumstances, and others have "No intergrity" meaning they would cheat.

 

Why waste your time on someone who cheats or "Kinda cheats".......

 

 

Im basically saying, 'if' you still want to work it out... take a break so that you are not driving each other to hate everything about each other. Then, if the relationship can start over on a new road... ie change the mistakes, work on what went wrong then go from there. If you dont think things can change, or that they wont... then yes obviously break up.

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  • 1 year later...
Rabican said: In hindsight I should have just taken a break until I cooled off.

 

****

 

Well, and then what, go back to her......???? I really think some mistakes you can forgive, others you can't. So..every time a relationship is having troubles, it's ok to go out and flirt with others, then confess to your partner, forgive and forget??? No one should be a doormat for another....I would advice anyone to Cut the Cheating partner lose....

 

As another poster said, some people have "Intergrity" meaning they would never cheat no matter what the circumstances, and others have "No intergrity" meaning they would cheat.

 

Why waste your time on someone who cheats or "Kinda cheats".......

 

I absolutley agree with this post. She is evidently not ready to be with anyone. She needs time to "mature" and understand that you don't just run out and sleep with someone else when things don't feel like it's flowing as smoothly as you'd like. People who live like that simply lack integrity, lack respect for themselves and lack respect for the person they are involved with.

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