scenario for you all to ponder and respond to

[perfectgent]

i am an english guy who met the girl of his dreams 6 years ago. we spent 3 years together and decided to settle down, have a family and buy a house.

 

we had the family then decided to move to her home town in sweden (yes she is swedish). we've come here and spent the last 2 years living and about 6 months ago found our dream house.

 

it hasn't always been easy but we have had good, no great times and i still love her but she says sometimes she doesn't love me and sometimes she does.

 

i had to go away on business recently, which came at a good time as we were not having a great time. basically where we live is inside the arctic circle, i dont speak swedish mainly because i only see 2 or 3 people a week and its only at the shop ot its the postman. i dont get time to learn and i'm fairly cut off. to top it off, ever since we've moved here i've had to work in the kitchen as we dont have a room ready yet for me to have as an office; its quite stressful and does pile the pressure on the realtionship. but i know in time it will work, or i hope ... but if she doesn't love me is it worth it?

 

i came back from my trip to the uk and wanted to make an effort but almost instantly i get a cold reception and i just get fed up. that night at home we talk about splitting up. i bring up the subject as i recently contacted a solicitor here in sweden to find out where i stand. basically i bought the house but put it in both our names. she gave me 25% of the money (everything she had) for the car and we put it in her name.

 

the solicitor says i get the house, we just need to trasnfer it all into my name and as a good will gesture we let her keep the car. everyone is, or atleast should be happy. you dont need to know all this but it paints the picture.

 

so she is not happy but agrees to it. phones someone to find out if there is anywhere to rent for her and my daughter and she finds somewhere that she can look at.

 

that night i decide that it's pointless me staying. i dont speak the language, will quite literally only have my daughter to see at weekends and earn next to no money (about a 1/6 of what i am used to earning although its enough to survive and i have savings). so i tell her i'll leave, i just want a few days with my daughter. over the next 36 hours she bascially begs me to stay, say she'll move out and that i have to see our daughter as she's growing up. i want this but its going to be tough and agree. i also hope some day she'll come back.

 

so, i'm staying but she had written me a good bye note and i'm going to quote some of it ...

 

"from my heart, i love you and alwasy will. not a day will pass without me thining about you. please come abck soon"

 

"when you come back you can always stay here. consider this your home not just your house. live here. be here, with us"

 

"i never wished for this to happen"

 

now. this is getting long but since i've told her i will stay, on her terms but as suggested by me i'm getting the huge cold shoulder. she's angry with me, telling me to cook for me and our daughter but not her tonight. the whole village probably knows by now what is going on because shes spoken to two people about it and here they have nothing better to do than gossip.

 

i don't know this for sure but i think, after i've forked out over 300,000 kroner she wants me to move out to a flat and see our daugter at the weekend. i've tried talking it doesn't help. i'm getting conflicting signals and i dont like it.

 

to top it all off, and thi shappened by accident as she kept her email open, i see she is flirting with an old friend that she used to 'only kiss and be with'

 

she tells me its nothing and it probably is as he lives on the other side of the world but flirting is flirting and i'm not getting any of it and havent for a long time.

 

i dont want to leave and i dont want to cave in and let her have the house, basically because it's cost me a fortune and i love it. she can have the car and i can see our daughter at weekends.

 

the question to you guys is, am i doing the right thing and how do i communicate with her when she is like this and am i missing something?

 

anyway. my first post. not bad i think ...

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

You married the girl of you dream, live in your dream house, and have a beautiful daughter.

 

Have you tried to mend the relationships before heading for a divorce?

 

Do you still love her? If so ask her why she gave cold shoulder to you?

 

Did she said specificly to you that she does not love you?

 

Her goodbye note show sign that she still care for you.

 

Does she communicate well in english?

[perfectgent]

her english is perfect. its the only language we speak in the house as our daughter is picking up swedish at day school.

 

she says that it's the arguments we have that chip away at her love for me.

 

i say behavior breeds behavior and although it's selfish i need a little more from her simply because she and my daughter are all the interaction i get apart from the odd trip to the uk or states for work.

 

she says i have changed her and she has changed as shes not the same girl i got together with 6 years ago but i also say that we have to change and we have to adapt.

 

if we give up now we could lose something special bewtween us and not just our daughter of future children. i think she wants the easy option which is to break up. she says she wants to be by herself.

 

am i right to say then that she should move out? i'm not going to fight or beg as she knows my feelings and if she does this she knows the boundaries i've set i.e. if she gets with someone else at any level then there is no way back as far as i'm concerned. i want her to spread her wings, down the road in her own apartment if thats what she wants but i'm not letting her have the house i paid for as i too want to be close to our daughter ...

 

but am i right?

 

thnaks for reply ...

[DN]

The keys to any successful marriage are: communication, negotiation and compromise.

 

Tried any of that?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Both of you drifted apart and looking for seperation. Either one of you need to move out.

 

The house is yours as you paid for it. You have the right to the house.

 

You want to have more time with your daughter.

 

Both of you have to seat down to discuss the seperation arrangement.

 

Is she working? If she is not working, may be you could rent an apartment for her and give her a specific time until she get a job to settle down.

 

If she is working, you need to give her time to move out. It is definitely not easy for a mother to leave their daughter.

 

Will you stay and work in Sweeden or move back to UK with your daughter?

 

Are you able to take care of your daughter by yourself?

 

Will there be any alimony issues?

[Tigris]

Have you tried talking to your wife and finding out exactly what it is that she used to do before she says she changed? Is she not having as much fun or seeing friends, etc.? Did the two of you go out for romantic meals together and now it's stopped? Are things dull in the bedroom?

 

There's got to be something drastically wrong for her to suddenly say this.

[Lanterna Magica]

If there is a way of working through this, you must do it for the sake of the child. This is not to say you must not consider your own happiness.

 

Could you attempt relationship counselling? If you can sit down camly and get into perspective what is TRULY important in your lives and agree to do all you can to heal the rifts you are experiencing, I would do this if possible, but you must both want to save it.

 

It sounds like you are quite frustrated living in this place because of the communication barrier between you and the community. If you can find the time, even if it is listening to 'Learn Swedish' lessons on your MP3 player whilst travelling, I think it might enrich your whole experience (but i understand that it is a daunting thing to try learning a new language).

 

It sounds like a difficult situation that can only be resolved by considering the implications of breaking up, on yourselves and your children. If there is still love there, work on it and clear the debris of stress from it.