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to disclose or not to disclose?


nikkinoe
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I am meeting with an old boyfriend in a few days. I got divorced almost two years ago due to infidelity, on my part. I have told the old boyfriend that I am divorced, but should I discuss the infidelity and the mess I made? I am no longer with the person I did the infidelity with, but still love him. We cannot be together for reasons I won't get into here.

 

Also, how much detail should I give this person who I'm meeting with? He is a lifelong friend and may be shocked by some information I could disclose. I don't want to lose him, and risk that chance if all is told. However, I want to be truthful with him. But, should I not go into details, or throw it all out on the table and let the chips fall where they may? Any advice is appreciated.

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I don't see why you are disclosing all this information with him. I wouldn't lie to him, if he asks questions about your divorce and you are ok with answering them, then certainly share. But honestly, when I'm meeting with an old friend (ex or non-ex), I'm more interested in where they are in their life NOW rather than in the past.

 

However, why are you thinking of disclosing this information with him? Are you interested in redeveloping your relationship? Sounds to me like you're not ready (still in love with previous partner). Are you thinking he's going to become your new support system? Maybe you should let that develop naturally rather than throwing everything at him at once. What is the purpose of this meeting? What is the purpose of disclosing anything with him?

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it is a reunion with a lifelong friend. It's just that the subject of WHY I got divorced will come up, I'm sure. I thought about not telling him the real reason why. He is that "forever friend" in which something could develop in the future. I'm worried this information about the infidelity would destroy that.

 

Yes, I am still in love with the previous partner. That will last forever. But, I can't just sit at home on my hands and not have friends over to discuss what's happened in my life. I don't think I should tell my friend about my love for the previous partner. Some things shouldn't be disclosed. I guess what I'm getting at is...should I lie, soft pedal what I've done, or just tell the truth?

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Being dishonest is never good. It always comes back to haunt you. However, you certainly don't have give details that you're uncomfortable with.

 

I honestly think only you know the answer here. If I was in your situation, I would go with my comfort level. As our reunion is progressing and we're discussing things about our lives, I would share what feels right. When asked about the reasons behind your divorce, you can always reply with "We/I made some mistakes." "Our relationship wasn't working out." If he questions you for more information, you can always tell him that you'd rather not discuss [now]. However, I think that if this guy is truly the sort of lifelong friend you describe him to be, he will accept you for who you are. That doesn't mean that he will be overjoyed by your previous behaviors, but he will learn to accept them. If he can't do that, then he's not really that type of friend.

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I would have to say, having been recently divorced myself, that the details of a couple’s divorce are really nobody's business. If someone I went on a date with asked me I'd tell him it is a personal matter that I don't wish to discuss at that moment. Come to think of it, only one guy I went out with actually asked me. We had gone on quiet a few dates before he brought it up and I gave him the quick version with as little detail as possible.

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Is this information he is likely to find out from other sources?

 

Are you confident that if you do get together with him in a relationship that you will be able to resist the temptation to cheat on him?

 

Do you think it fair to enter into a relationship with this guy if you are still in love with your ex?

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simple, if you are hoping to have a longer term relationship with him you are required to tell him eventually. If he finds out through someone else you'll have no hope of geting the relaionshp back.

 

If you arent planning to have a relationship with him, then he need not know anthing detailed about your relationship.

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The details of the divorce are really none of his concern. You don't owe him an explanation about your infidelity unless you are actually in a relationship with him. However, to meet with him entertaining the notion of a future relationship with him but still in love with someone else, is definitely not fair to him. There are lots of people who are still in love with someone else but that person is not available so they embark on a relationship with someone but never give all of themself because their heart is tied elsewhere. When the current partner finally realizes that the one they love is in love with someone else, they are devastated and think of the relationship as a lie. Unless you can give 100% of your love to someone and have nobody else you are pining for, it is not fair on the other person.

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you don't need to 'spill' all your personal details on the first visit with a guy... he's been a lifelong friend, yes, but putting too much expectation that you 'owe him' this implies you intend to get really deep with him, and a 'first date' activity doesn't really warrant this... it also might have unintended consequences, like he spills this info to everyone you've ever known together, which is really none of their business...

 

if he asks what happens in the marriage, tell the level of truth that is appropriate to the situation, i.e., i think i was too immature for that level of commitment at the time, OR, i loved him but obviously not enough to go the distance in a marriage, etc.

 

then if it starts to get more serious with him, you can provide more details, and of course i hope you NEVER intend to repeat the infidelity mistake with someone you are commited to, and tell him so, and how much it damaged you and your awareness of the damage has taught you a lesson you'll never forget...

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