ebsmith1 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I thought about giving him a copy of it with a letter just saying that I forgive him and know that he didn't mean to hurt me like he has. After our breakup I think he was very close to realizing that his actions are not normal. I'm not sure that he would read it, but he might. I think he really does know that something is wrong. He's told me so many times that he doesn't understand how he's feeling or why he does the things he does. Link to comment
violingirl Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I wouldn't send him the book out of the blue. If you guys ever have a chance to talk about your relationship and what happened and feel comfortable talking to each other again, then, maybe, I would send him the book. I sent "He's Scared, She's Scared" to my ex, but only after we had several long conversations about the breakup, and, mind you, this was almost 1 1/2 years after the breakup. He thanked me for sending him the book, but hasn't made much of an effort to read it. Even if you do send the book to him, don't expect any sudden miraculous revelations on his part. Don't expect him to go "Aha!", suddenly change and run back to you. Just don't expect anything. Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 I agree with violingirl. Don't send the book... let him figure out the issues on his own. If I was you (which I'm going through a similar situation), I would work on myself and forget about him --- at least temporarily. It is not easy to do -- I swear I must think about him every minute of the day -- but I've decided that I'm going to be the 'Diva' that he met. I'm not doing it for him... I'm doing it for myself! Give yourself some time to heal and then ... if you feel like it... you can try to help him. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I guess that's what I have to do. I know he's afraid of commitment, but something in me is so scared that he will marry this girl just to prove to everyone that he didn't hurt me for no reason. A lot of people he's close to are so mad at him over this. Part of me thinks though that if I just take time and fix myself I can ride out his new relationship and then help him when he's ready. This is so freaking hard! Link to comment
violingirl Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 It is hard. My ex is still with the woman he left me for, so I know how bad it feels. But, the only person who can help him with his CP (and other) issues is him. He has to be the one who wants to change and overcome these issues. Even if I actively tried to "help" him, it would make no difference. I did send him the book, which contains all of the answers to his CP issues, but he has to be the one to read it and recognize within himself what issues he has. He has to be the one to go to therapy to change his behavior. I can't do that for him. I wish it were as simple as us telling the CP that they have a problem and that we will help them, but it's not. They have to want to take that action themselves. And that may never happen. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 My ex showed signs of realizing that he had a problem right when we broke up. He cried and told me that he just didn't understand why he felt the way that he did. He even admitted that he thought he needed therapy. My therapist gave me a card for someone he should see. He took it and said he'd do it, he promised he would. As far as I know he hasn't. Maybe he just needs to do the same thing again. He did admit that it was what had happened in his last relationship and he'd always blamed that on her. I think it's slowly starting to sink in. Maybe when some time has passed I'll send it to him. I'm trying NC right now but it is very hard. I can think of a thousand reasons to contact him, but none of them are good enough. I want to stop crying and stop hurting. Link to comment
Beec Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 The quickest way for you to stop crynig and hurting is to use the quickest way to sever you from having an emotional attachment to him. Stay away. Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 You will think about him but don't obsess over it – you'll make yourself sick. I tell you… I didn't sleep for 3 weeks. I was a complete mess … but I never told him. Now I'm doing the whole NC for myself. I'm going to be honest… as much as I want him to call me 100 times a day (for my own selfish satisfaction), I know for sure that I don't want him in my life. He can't give me the love that I want and deserve. thereforeeee, the best thing to do is to let him out of my heart and frigging brain and move on to a better life. Do it for yourself – let him go – at least until you feel better about yourself. God bless. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 You will think about him but don't obsess over it – you'll make yourself sick. I tell you… I didn't sleep for 3 weeks. I was a complete mess … but I never told him. Now I'm doing the whole NC for myself. I'm going to be honest… as much as I want him to call me 100 times a day (for my own selfish satisfaction), I know for sure that I don't want him in my life. He can't give me the love that I want and deserve. thereforeeee, the best thing to do is to let him out of my heart and frigging brain and move on to a better life. Do it for yourself – let him go – at least until you feel better about yourself. God bless. I wish I was at the place where I didn't want him in my life, but I'm not. I just want something to snap his brain into place and use that card and call the therapist. He even said that he could see that I was being helped by it (I started going for different reasons) and that that was good enough for him. I deleted him out of my phone last night, but I still pray he'll call or e-mail. He might have changed his phone number, I couldn't get it to work once in the early days of our breakup, but I hadn't called much so I don't know why he would have done that. It's like a constant battle to let go of what was supposed to be and realize that no matter what happens, it's not going to be that. If it had been a bad realtionship it would be so much easier, but we were so happy right up until the very end. Link to comment
AntiLove_SuperStar Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 Dude...I've dated a LOT. I know a LOT about relationships. Committment phobes don't exist...people just are rarely made for each other! CP is just a label people make up to explain why individuals don't get on with one another. This is my sincere opinion, and I'm a very cynical person. Psychobabble culture, it hurts everyone. Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 23, 2006 Author Share Posted October 23, 2006 ebsmith, You should go online and try to access a book called "From Committment Phobic to I DO" and also "Dream Chasers". They're very good books. One teaches how to turn a CP into a lover and the other teaches how and why people should avoid a relationship with a CP. The author is a CP addict herself. After I read all 3 books, my pain and confusion disappeared! I'm still longing for his affection, but I know it was all a dream... and it makes me feel better about letting go. Try it -- you'll love the books. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 I'll do that, thanks for those. I'm still reading "Men Who Can't Love", so I'll read those next. Going to read He's Scared, She's Scared too. I've got nothing but time! Link to comment
DG9 Posted October 23, 2006 Share Posted October 23, 2006 i actually was in a long term realtionship for 6 years... and we were doing great! he wasnt a commit-phobe bcs we were going to marry too! the only prob we had was finance and the fear of him turning into his father and suddenly out of no where he broke up with me over something that had happened an year ago! things that i thought we discussed and resolved... (not that i cheated or anything major either) he just broke off and havnt heard or seen him since! still confused though... Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 DG9, A man can be married and still be a CP. You should read the book too. I tell you... that book is amazing. I will encourage every woman I know to read it. I don't even like to read but that book has completely changed the way a view relationships. ebsmith -- if you want your boyfriend back, read from Committment Phobia to I Do before you continue ready Men who.... You will thank me for it. I wish I could send you a copy but I'm unable to print it. Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 I'll do that, this one is just depressing me. Like an idiot I sent him an e-mail this afternoon. Just something to let him know that I'm not mad at him for any of this. I'm hoping he will ignore it, but I'm so scared that he'll tell me to leave him alone. I'm going to quit if I have to tape up my typing fingers! Link to comment
ebsmith1 Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Can you send me a link to find it, I don't want to get the wrong thing. Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 24, 2006 Author Share Posted October 24, 2006 this is the link: link removed Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 24, 2006 Share Posted October 24, 2006 Dear newvenus, I just wanted to say thank you for posting this thread. You saved my life too! My ex wasn't a CP but when I was looking for what really CP or narcissistic mean on a search engine, I came accross the mental disorder, called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Caused by childhood trauma, these people are emotionally unstable, have extreme fear of abandonment, sudden aggression and anger, mood shift etc. I knew that my ex had a rough childhood (his mom left for another guy, his dad became alcoholic), but I could not believe that the characteristics of BPD are just like his!! One day he treated me like he could not live without me, and next day he treated me like I didn't exist. He disappeared on the 2nd weeks we started dating (for another woman who has less chance to dump him), 6month later, 1 year later, because he had a strong feeling for me and was too afraid of getting dumped by me, according to his explanation. I tried to walk away from him several time, because I couldn't handle when he had these "bad mood" days that he had very low self-esteem, angers, and resentment toward others who didn't respect him. It was very depressing being around him when he was in this mood, and at the end of our relationship he became more like that because of the stress from his work. Then all the sudden he told me that he was not in love with me anymore, and the reason was that I tried to break up with him and he was deeply hurt by my treatment. It was 4 days after my birthday, and it was the most wonderful birthday in my life. He planned a surprise party for me and all of my friends thought that he was deeply in love with me. I took all his blame, and tried to show that I love him, but after reading some articles of BPD, I realized why I wanted to walk away from him for the first place. I felt so relieved, because I wasn't crazy! It has been 5 months since our breakup, but I finally feel like I can let go. Our relationship wasn't healthy after all, and I don't want it back. I feel like my darkness has passed by Thanks again!! Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 I'm so happy for you! I understand exatly how you feel. I was in a very similar position. My ex was so terrified of me living him that when I broke up with him due to his insecurity issues, he ran for his life. He told me last week that I was everything that he was looking for in a woman but he couldn't let himself get close because he was afraid I would leave him. I know I made my mistakes by breaking up with him several times but I was trying to protect myself and I KNOW I did the right thing. I just hope I can get through this soon. I feel like I'm braking a bad addiction. I think about him every minute of the day.... it's so hard. BUT I know I'm doing the right thing. Please stay in touch. Link to comment
tkrob Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Are you sure we didn't have the same boyfriend? Hahahah! I just finished a relationship exactly like this...except we were on and off for four years...that really sucks.. Link to comment
tkrob Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 I know we are always talking about the women getting out of the relationship... but just for the sake of conversation...how do these men who are emotionally unstable, broken, and dead...how do they recover from this? Does that book mention this? I have this book..but have never finished reading it. It is good, though, what I have read of it. Link to comment
Dorsay Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Hi Newvenus, I know how you feel. My friend told me early on that he didn't know anything about relationship; he didn't know he he's ever loved anyone; he's too unsettling to commit to a relationship. In the beginning, he was coming on like a tidal wave. He definitely enjoyed the chase. I guess I was flattered and I was naive enough to believe that I was the one who could change him. I enjoyed being chased and thought I was the only one in his life. I finally broke up with him because I realized that he couldn't give me what I want emotionally. When he told me that he's dating other women, I realized that I was a romantic fool. Just like you, I think of him every minute because we shared some unbelievably wonderful moments together. I know I'm doing the right thing for walking away, but it is hard especially I am the one who left the relationship. Link to comment
newvenus Posted October 25, 2006 Author Share Posted October 25, 2006 OMG -- Longhaircats -- I read about Borderline Personality Disorder and it has my ex boyfriend's name all over it. I'm not kidding. I think he as both (CP & BPD). S...it, my luck!!! Thanks for the info. I'm going to go now and hide under my bed Link to comment
longhaircats Posted October 25, 2006 Share Posted October 25, 2006 Oh no newvenus, I feel your pain. My ex and I were together for 2.5 years plus 5 months as friends with benefits after the breakup while he was "healing" from what I have done to him. I ignored all bad signs from the start and took him back everytime he run away. I wish I never did. How stupid I am, and the worst thing is that I can't hate him. I think about him all the time too, especially the time when he was sweet, loving and treated me like the best thing ever happen to him. So if you ex has not tried to come back to you, thank him! It's better to figure out who he is now than few years later. Dorsay, my ex said the same thing to me, and now he is up for a date! I found it out 2 weeks ago, and it has been really really hard. This whole thing makes me wonder, are most men emortionally sick? What are the chances to come accross these mentally unhealthy people who look and act like normal? Link to comment
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