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Men who can't love.... LADIES - PLEASE READ!


newvenus

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Ladies -- I just read a book yesterday that absolutely changed my life!

 

My boyfriend and I split right when things were growing. I was confused. Didn't know what to think.

 

In the beginning of the relationship he came on strong and showed more interest in me than me in him. He told me I was special and he was going out of his way to impress me. He always told me that he was looking for a 'permanent' and stable relationship and gave clues that he wanted to get married. When I finally gave in to the idea of dating him exclusively.... he vanished! Good thing I didn't sleep with him!!!!!

 

In any event.... I was devastated to say the least. I couldn't understand why this wonderful man who appeared to be so in love with me just vanished. In my search for comfort, I went to the book store and came accross the book "men who can't love (committment phobics) by Carter". At first I wasn't sure what to think of it... but as I started reading, my eyes, soul, brain, and every instinc I have in my body opened realizing that this man is one of MANY others out there who happened to be emotionally crippled!

 

While reading the book I cried, laugh (A LOT), and realized that the break up had absolutly nothing to do with me. This guy is sick -- emotionally sick! I feel horrible for him but I must stay away from him at all cause!

 

If you were in a relationship that all of the sudden vanished... i.e., he was loving, caring, helpful, understanding, etc., etc.... and one day he dissappeared, READ THE BOOK! You will be in for a WONDERFUL awakening. PLEASE don't wait... I finally was able to get a good night sleep last night and today had breakfast which I haven't had for weeks.

 

I wish you all the best!

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Men like this can love, but they are difficult to reach with any real emotion. Once they do love however, they are as dependent on you as a baby. These guys are seeking to chase and conquer, and when the chase is over, when the woman is conquered, they no longer desire her, because there is nothing left to chase and conquer. They are often rakes who will do whatever it takes to conquer the most unwilling woman, choosing to pick the harder rather than easier target.

 

A key I see here is that he really poured it on strong. He did anything and said anything and everything he thought you would want to here until you were conquered, so to speak. A guy seeking anything but to conquer will often not be in such a hurry.

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A guy seeking anything but to conquer will often not be in such a hurry.

 

I think Beec made an excellent point. A man who likes you probably does because you two have enough in common to conversate and will allow your friendship/relationship to grow at a normal pace.

 

On another note regarding the book you've read - it's great if it made you feel better, however take note that you personally have a high degree of controlling how people feel. If he's got problems, fine, be happy that he's gone but note that everyone has them and it's usually a matter of getting inside of their heads and figuring out how they see things and relating to them.

 

Good luck.

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You may also want to read "He's Scared, She's Scared", also by Carter and Sokol. It's an excellent book about commitmentphobic behavior and the signs to look out for. After I read it, I swore that my ex's picture should have been on the cover of the book.

 

Beec is spot on - once a commitmentphobe "conquers" you and knows that you love them and are committed to them, they start to lose interest. They crave the chase. It happened to me. My ex left me for a woman who is emotionallly distant and doesn't love him. He prefers that to the loving, caring and intimate relationship that we had together. It's very sad how commitmentphobes destroy and sabotage strong relationships with their fears.

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I know! I couldn't believe it myself either. Although, I never showed him too much interest (even though I fell in love w/him). One of the mistakes I made was that I kept on braking up with him because the relationship wasn't progressing and I didn't feel that my needs were being met. He even told me several times that the only reason why I didn't want to sleep with him was because he wasn't giving me the emotional intimacy that I wanted in a relationship.

 

The most difficult thing to do right now is to let go... BUT I WILL LET GO! I don't need a man in my life .... I want a man in my life ... and that's a huge difference. I can't believe I didn't see this before. How painful!

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One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.

 

 

I have had this happen too. problem is... i didn't treat him less lovingly... so he continued to zone out and out and out...

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Chai,

I agree with you to some extend ... however, you have to be in love with a CP to learn how difficult a relationship with him is. I can play hard to get, I can avoid his calls to make him wonder where I am at, etc., etc., but I could never get the love that I want and deserve from someone that is emotionally disabled. He doesn't know what love is.... A CP generally has never allowed himself to be love because as soon as he gets the love he was chasing, he doesn't walk... he runs!

 

He had problems with his childhood and I'm certain that it is all related to same thing. I love him so much but if I stay in the relationship trying to figure out how to get inside his head, I'm only going to put myself in a dangerious situation where I may lose myself. I have spent days.. weeks not being able to close my eyes at night. I lost weight (which is great!) and I have been miserable waiting for him to contact me since we broke up. I could wait some more and see what happens.... or I could take my butt out of his life and try to find someone else that is deserving of my love.

 

Right now I am content that I know is not my fault .... but I am sad (VERY SAD) that we don't have a future together. The most difficult thing is that I have to see him several times a week because we work out at the same gym. I actually saw him the other day... he asked me if he could contact me from time to time to say hi. I told him that he could say hi to me at the gym. A few minutes later, I saw him hunting another woman there.

 

Of course I want him to love me .... but I don't think he'll ever be able to do so.

 

(crying)

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One thing I noticed about my husband; when I was nicer to him, he started to lose focus on the relationship. When I toughened up and treated him less lovingly, he zoned right back in.

 

When I told him this, he didn't believe it.

 

Its sad how people expect others to "discipline" them into being good partners instead of being motivated by love instead of fear. A lot of men are this way, from what I've seen. They don't start acting loving until your foot is almost out the door.

 

I don't want this anymore. I won't be a man's mother.

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In my case, my ex had no problem with emotional intimacy, but up to a point (we were together for 19 months). Like others have posted here, he came on strong and I actually withheld a bit. He was the one who mentioned marriage and kids. Over time he gained my trust. He was so thoughtful, generous, kind and wanted to know everything about me. He is truly the only person who has really understood me and accepted me for who I am, warts and all.

 

After about 6 months into our relationship, I wondered why he had never told me that he loved me, but kept my thoughts to myself. The following month, he had a full blown panic attack about our relationship/commitment/marriage, etc., even though I hadn't even mentioned or suggested that we get engaged or married. During his panic attack, I ended up telling him that I loved him (I had intended to wait until he said it first, but it just came out), but he didn't reciprocate and just said that he really liked me and wanted to continue with our relationship. He later blamed his panic attack on "work stress." I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

 

As time went on, he had about 4 more panic attacks. One time, he had a complete breakdown on the phone where he was just screaming and wailing for 2 hours. This happened during the time we were planning a trip to Michigan for him to meet my parents for the first time. I was scared, but calmed him down. He also blamed that breakdown on "work stress" and on his parents/friends asking him when we were going to get married.

 

Five days after we got back from the trip to my parents, he ended up cheating on me with one of his ex-girlfriends (they made out, at the very least - this he admitted long after our breakup).

 

Finally, on New Years' Eve (12/31/04), he told me he loved me, which made me ecstatic. It was wonderful. Four short weeks later, he broke up with me over the phone. I later found out that he had left me for yet another ex-girlfriend who has no interest in getting married or having kids.

 

Sorry this post is so long.

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I think Beec made an excellent point. A man who likes you probably does because you two have enough in common to conversate and will allow your friendship/relationship to grow at a normal pace.

 

On another note regarding the book you've read - it's great if it made you feel better, however take note that you personally have a high degree of controlling how people feel. If he's got problems, fine, be happy that he's gone but note that everyone has them and it's usually a matter of getting inside of their heads and figuring out how they see things and relating to them.

 

Good luck.

 

I've been thinking a lot about your second paragraph lately. I agree that we have a lot to do with controlling how our partners feel.

 

has anyone has any luck with this..As you said, its about learning about them and getting in their heads and trying to see how they see things.. I have TRIED to do this... but am unsure of how to do it without compromising myslef too much.

 

where do you draw the line of saying, "Ok i'm just not myself anymore, i'm spending hours trying to figure out what he/she is like and trying to see how i can relate to them'... how much of it should just 'happen'... all good relationships take work... how much are yyou / we prepared to do?

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I'm going to check out both of these books. I think I'm in love with a huge CP and it's killing me. He proposed to me in July and broke up with me a month later. He immediately started seeing someone else. We talk some and I asked him how he was feeling about us since the breakup. I expect to hear from him tomorrow and I'm guessing it's not going to be good news. Maybe these books will help.

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I understand how you could be sad. Anyone who loses someone they like or love will be upset and will feel some emtpiness inside. There are many people in this world who have had problems in their childhool and/or adulthood. Many times, childhood problems spill into adulthood and even become magnified.

 

My question is how can you fall in love with what you consider, a CP? Because they made you feel a certain way, right? We fall in love with people based on how they make us feel, so he made you feel a certain way over a period of time. Is that right? Are you saying that a CP doesn't have the ability to give of himself, the capacity to love someone else?

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Despite how coldly and cowardly my ex acted (and still sometimes acts) as of the breakup, I truly believe that he loved me at the time. I think that CPs have the capacity to love someone else, but only up to a certain point. They have limited capacity and can only take a relationship so far.

 

What I find disturbing is that I treated my ex with the utmost respect and love, and that apparently activated his fears and he then chose to leave me for another woman (his ex, who I got to know well) and prefers an emotionally distant and sexless relationship with an almost mother-son dynamic to it (she's very bossy to him). He told me that he likes that she gives him all the space he could ever want. They don't see each other much. But what kind of relationship is that? I can't understand how anyone would prefer that to what we had.

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violingirl, if it works for him, it works for him, so be it. What he had to offer did not work for you. When you wanted what he did not want to offer, guess what happened. Learn from it and that's about all you can do.

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I understand how you could be sad. Anyone who loses someone they like or love will be upset and will feel some emtpiness inside. There are many people in this world who have had problems in their childhool and/or adulthood. Many times, childhood problems spill into adulthood and even become magnified.

 

My question is how can you fall in love with what you consider, a CP? Because they made you feel a certain way, right? We fall in love with people based on how they make us feel, so he made you feel a certain way over a period of time. Is that right? Are you saying that a CP doesn't have the ability to give of himself, the capacity to love someone else?

 

you are right... we fall in love with someone because of the way they make us feel... but is that something tht can be learned... or does it just 'happen'

 

 

Can we learn how to 'make' someone feel about us in a certain way.

 

then again, its a bit of catch 22, because in order to know how they feel, we have to get to know them a bit...and that take a while.. and by the time we figure that out, its too late

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Beec, I just wish it weren't such a painful lesson. It was one that I really did not need to be taught.

 

The end of any relationship usually hurts.

 

But, I hope you have learned from it. I say that not thinking you did anything wrong, per se, but in hopes that your painful lesson will help you succeed when someone worthwhile comes along.

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you are right... we fall in love with someone because of the way they make us feel... but is that something tht can be learned... or does it just 'happen'

 

 

Can we learn how to 'make' someone feel about us in a certain way.

 

then again, its a bit of catch 22, because in order to know how they feel, we have to get to know them a bit...and that take a while.. and by the time we figure that out, its too late

 

Yes, we can certainly learn how to make someone feel a certain way. Don't you know how to make someone mad? It's quite easy, isn't it? Well you can also make someone feel happy, anxious, uneasy, comfortable, and a lot of other emotions - it's a matter of figuring out how they see the world and how they feel about things. And yes, this does take time. Getting someone to like you does take and should take time, otherwise it would be superficial.

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Yes, we can certainly learn how to make someone feel a certain way. Don't you know how to make someone mad? It's quite easy, isn't it? Well you can also make someone feel happy, anxious, uneasy, comfortable, and a lot of other emotions - it's a matter of figuring out how they see the world and how they feel about things. And yes, this does take time. Getting someone to like you does take and should take time, otherwise it would be superficial.

 

 

sometimes we try to make someone feel happy... and it just doesn't work.. and you see in some relationships.. they are always MAD at each other but still in love..

 

It takes time to understand the person, but by then it may be too late...because they will quit on you before you have gotten to know each other

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sometimes we try to make someone feel happy... and it just doesn't work.. and you see in some relationships.. they are always MAD at each other but still in love..

 

It takes time to understand the person, but by then it may be too late...because they will quit on you before you have gotten to know each other

 

 

Relationships whose partners are constantly bickering or harbor bad feelings toward each other isn't a healthy one to be in. Conversely, couples who never argue or bicker isn't healthy either. This is why communication is vital in relationships and approaching conflicts in a sensitive but effective manner. (easier said than done).

 

Yes, it does take time to understand the person which requires you putting in time. However, my rule of thumb is that you should only be willing to invest time in someone which you have enough in common for it to work out. Generally speaking, it's possible to figure this out within 2 dates. However, it can also be figured out in one date in which case, you cut them out of your life and move to the next. Unfortunately, dating really is a numbers game.

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Even if, after some time together, you do truly understand how a CP feels and how they process their thoughts, is it possible to guide a CP to commitment without them freaking out/leaving and without you having to become some sort of disciplinarian/defacto parental figure who treats them less lovingly/less warmly?

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does my ex sound like a CP? ok he was with his ex girlfriend before me for a year. he cheated on her, he broke up with her and got back with her a few times. then they broke up for good, and thats the same night i met him. literally 2 weeks later him and I were boyfriend/girlfriend. she continued to call and text him a million times a day and she pretty much stalked him. he talked to her alot in the beginning of our relationship but it bothered me alot so he started to ignore her. his best friend told me that he has been a "player" in the past and that all of his past relationships have ended badly because he cant be with just one person. but i didnt believe him because at the beginning of our relationship, for about the first 5 months things were GREAT. we had our share of fights but after 2 months he told me he loved me, after about 4 months we were talking about moving in together and getting married someday. it was HIM that brought up all of the ideas about marriage and living together. he was affectionate and always told me how much he loved me and how much i meant to him and how i was the perfect girl he had always been looking for. he told me how much better i was then his ex gf or any ex for that matter.

 

then around 6 months he started to change. he became less affectionate, wanted to see me less, wanted to spend more time going out with friends. then he told me he wanted a break and that he was getting kind of sick of me and just wants to take some time away from me and go out with his friends and just be kind of single. during that time we still talked almost everyday on the phone but he was always cold towards me and didnt really wanna talk. during our 2 week break he kissed numerous girls at the bar and slept with his ex girlfriend!! after that happened he immediately changed and begged me to take him back and said that he realized how much he missed me and that im the only girl he wants to be with. he promised that he would change and now he realizes that he only wants to be with one girl. so i took him back and for another 5 months things were actually better than ever! he was so affectionate, so loving, always wanted to spend time with me. the marriage and moving in together talks started up again. i was happier than ever. he surprised me and took me on a trip for my birthday. shortly after that he started to change again. started to ignore me, no affection, wanted to see and talk to me less and less, picked fights with me all the time, we broke up for like a few hours and then got back together numerous times, he was very insensitive to my feelings, he started paying attention to other girls. so one night we had a huge fight and he said it was over and he never wanted to see or talk to me again. we didnt talk for a few days but then he called me and kind of apologized. we were broken up for about 2 weeks when i begged him to hang out with me one night. we had a great night together and he brought up the idea of getting back together. so we started talking and hanging out again and at first things were going so good i was almost sure we would be back together.

 

then i found out he has been talking to his ex girlfriend again and they went out to the bar together a few times. i got mad about it and we got into a fight about it because he had lied to me and told me he hadnt talked to her or seen her since we broke up. after that fight he changed again and could never make up his mind what he wanted. one day he wanted to keep trying to make it work, the next day he didnt really want to. he said he just wants to be single and go out with his friends all the time. so he said we needed a break from each other to figure some things out and see if we missed each other. so i immediately tried to go NC. i was the one who had been calling him lately, he rarely initiated contact. the day after i went NC he started to calll and text me. i ignored his calls and would wait about 20 mins to respond to his texts. but he kept texting and calling trying to get ahold of me. finally a couple hours later i called him back and acted like i didnt want to talk to him and acted like i was having a great time with my friends. he ended up hanging up on me because i didnt care to talk to him. 2 mins later he sends me a text that says "yea you really care about us, i see what you really care about." (meaning partying and other guys.) but i didnt respond till the next day when i text him back saying "we're on a break remember? im just having a good time." he immediately text me back and then called me. i answered and was nice and talked to him for a couple mins but then told him i had to go and he got mad once again because i didnt want to talk to him and he hung up on me. thats the last time i talked to him and that was 6 days ago. i cant believe after him saying how he still wanted me in his life, how extremely jealous he is with me and other guys, and how he kept texting and calling me that he hasnt contacted me in these 6 days. i cant figure out why he keeps changing every 6 months like he has been. does my ex sound like a CP?

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I personally don't believe that CP exists, so maybe someone else would be better at answering this question.

 

I believe people have fears concerning relationships such as rejection or making themselves vulnerable, but fear of commitment doesn't make sense to me for a couple of reasons. One, once we like someone or love someone then we will want to commit. Why? Because every human wants to love and to be loved. And because we love people based on how they make us feel and if someone makes us feel good about ourselves then we will want to commit. thereforeeee, I don't think people necessarily fear committment but other factors associated with relationships such as getting rejected.

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