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Broken up... am I leading him on?


Jessy
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So my fiance left for Basic Combat Training for the Army about a month ago. He has been on "Suicide Watch", and will be sent home sooner or later... though he's been on watch for almost the whole time he's been gone, so I'm not sure when he'll be back.

The other night he broke up with me, calling me nasty names and saying I was a bad partner, and that I probably cheated on him since he's been gone. I didn't cheat on him, nor would I ever, and the reason he was so angry was because I had a few drinks with a group of friends (male and female... but mostly female). Apparently that makes me a bad girlfriend & trashy.

So he called off the marriage & broke up with me, obviously not a good thing. However, he called back the night before last to apologize, but I don't think I want to be with him anymore.

Since he's been gone, I've been spending more time with his friend & we really hit it off.... Instead of being unkind to me, and mooching from me, he is very polite, thoughtful & caring. I know I'm not ready for another relationship directly following this almost 3 year train wreck, but I do enjoy spending time with his friend & he made me realize how crappy my ex really treated me.

He calls & begs for me to be with him again, and says he changed. He tells me he needs me to make a decision & take him back right away, otherwise he'll stay in the Army or kill himself... which just shows me he hasn't changed. I told him I wanted to wait until he gets back to make any decisions, because I do still care about him & don't want him feeling too bad so far away from any support from friends or family.

If he did change, I'd be glad to give him another chance... but I don't think he did. Is what I'm doing right? Or should I just tell him straight out that I think we should just be friends?

If we do stay separated, would it be crossing a line to eventually persue a relationship with a friend he knew since he was a child? I do realize this situation sounds very shady & horrible... but my ex really treated me badly, and this guy is so sweet....

Thanks a lot for your help

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It sounds like your ex is under a lot of stress. If he leaves the army and settles back to civilian life, you may well be able to make a go of it. Alcohol affected what he said and if it's a one-off, I'd give him another chance. If it's repeated behaviour, forget him.

 

As for the other guy, kind and nice may be what you want/need now but will it be enough for you later in life?

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Well here's a little background on the repeat behavior:

He has broken up with me over small things more times than I can count, literally. Every time we got into a small argument, he'd break up with me to avoid a fight.

As for the drinking, he obviously doesn't trust me (Which is another big issue...) and feels insecure at the fact that I was drinking in the presense of a male. For some reason, he thinks if I'm drunk & there is a penis around I'm going to jump on it. That's just not the type of person I am.

Also, the other guy has more to offer than kindess & attractiveness; he's more career-oriented, he's very smart, he's not lazy (opposite my ex), he's a gentleman, he's a virgin & has never even kissed a woman (which is good and bad) and he makes me happy.

Our relationship has never been a healthy one, and his excuse for being unkind to me for a long time was that I seemed unhappy & that made him unhappy. So for about the past year of our relationship, I've been pretending to be happy... but really I haven't been.

He's the jealous & controlling type, and I want to be free to be myself. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be happy with him & start a life with him... but I'd want OUR life, HIS own life, and MY own life. That's just not what he wants.

He told me he wouldn't be okay with me spending time with my male friends in a group of people unless he was there, and by no means was I ever "allowed" to see my male friends alone... it was just a mess.

If he comes back & has changed, I'd love to be with him again... because honestly, his personality minus the jealousy & controlling behavior & a little more honesty would be amazing.

Thanks again for reading & your input!

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So you have feelings for his friend??? You may not ever cheat on him physically but what about emotionally??

 

My guess is he would be devistated to learn that you have feelings for one of his closest friends. Also, if his friend were any kind of friend at all he should keep himself from getting involved with you.

My opinion here:

I think it is kind of wrong for you to be developing these kinds of feelings for his friends while hes out and away going thru what seems to be some serious depression.

You also say that he doesnt trust you and more so when you are around males...and you continue to say that he has no reason not to yet in the midst of this you are asking us if its ok to date one of his buddies??? * * *

 

But hey if the guy is not right for you then you need to do what you feel is right.

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I think you'll be glad to know, journey, that I am not pursuing any kind of relationship with his friend. I made it clear to him that I didn't have feelings for him... but if I did, why would that be any reason for my ex not to trust me? I'm not saying it's right... because I wouldn't have even mentioned it on here in the first place if I didn't want advice about it, but we are broken up, so thereforeeee I'm not breaking any trust. I believe I made it clear to him that I don't want to get back together. I did tell him if he changed & we could get along that there is a small chance, which is true. I think I just need to step back and be single... I need to learn how to be me & love me again, I'm sick of being who he wanted me to be!

 

Anyway... thank you all for your replies!

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