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Betrayed and Devastated Please help me..


Miss Understood
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Hello all,

 

Im new to the forums but I can see everyone here is out to support eachother so I know Im in the right place.

 

My newly ex boyfriend just ended our year and a half relationship. We had been living together for about 6 months now. This is so hard to type out but I will do my best. For the past month we had been having problems and were on some sort of a break, I was finding that I was putting more effort into the relationship than he was, and he was saying I didn't appreciate him. I honestly put my heart and soul into that relationship, I was trying so hard to work on it but I could just tell he wasnt giving his all. Our problems got kind of bad but about 2 weeks ago, they magically started to disappear. As each day in that week went by things got better and better. He was happy again and so was I, we had that old spark back and it seemed like things were going to be just fine. Or so i thought... Saturday he was acting kind of funny, I asked him what was wrong and he told me he didnt feel well. I offered to get him some medicine but he declinded so I left him alone to nap. Later that evening he woke up and I could just tell something was wrong so I asked him again if he was okay and thats when it came. He went on to tell me that he couldn't be with me anymore, that he hasnt been happy in a long time, and that he wants to be alone, and that he fell out of love with me. I was in complete denial and was crying and just saying "no" over and over again. I was a mess, so I grabbed a bag and took some stuff and left. I told him "I'll be back in a few days, take care of the cat. I need to get away for now." I haven't seen him since. I am going crazy, I haven't eaten or slept this whole week. ive been staying with family the whole time and they are trying to nurse me back to normal. I don't get it, we were so much in love so how did this happen?

 

I did find something disturbing out though. I know this was wrong but I signed into his myspace(I remembered his password) and saw some messages from a so-called friend of mine. She was sending him lyrics from a love song saying how it gave her the shivers and he responded by saying how happy she made him. That right there killed me, my heart is dead and I don't know what to do. I am basically homeless since I live/lived with him. I feel so used cause just last week when it was good, he was making love to me almost every night and telling me how much he loved me. It wasn't just sex either. Something was there again, we both felt it and he even admitted it. Im going to see a doctor today to help me sort everything in my head out, I am a mess. Im going to see him tomorrow since I did say I was going back at the end of this week, what can I possibly say to him? I also work closely with both of them at a very famous theme park. I need help, guys. Please Im at the end of my rope and Im going down a spiral of insanity.

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So sorry you're going through this!

 

The bright side (and trust me, it IS a bright side) is that there's only one answer to this. You have to go get your stuff and get your cat and go. And you say goodbye and wish him good luck, and then never speak to him again. That's it. Don't drag it on or you will regret it.

 

This relationship is beyond fixing. He told you everything you needed to know for closure. He isn't happy, he doesn't want to be with you, and now on your own you also found out he's already moved on. Quite honestly this should be all the reason you need to move on yourself! Please don't hang around in the depths of despair while this person (who was obviously not the one for you) is moving on.

 

Don't call him. He doesn't want you to, believe me. Don't try and chase him. It will make you look pathetic and solidify in his mind that this was the right thing to do because you're desperate and crazy. Learn from this. You'll be okay!

 

I was almost EXACTLY where you are now, three months ago. Well sort of... He hadn't moved in yet. He bailed the weekend we were supposed to sign the lease together. I ended up signing it on my own, and now after three months of trying to make a relationship, then a friendship work before ultimately realizing he didn't want me in his life anymore, I finally feel human again. It will pass.

 

The fact is, you WILL move on. And it will either be now or in a long time. You have nothing to gain by putting off the healing. Pain and worry is just interest paid on a problem. He dumped you. It hurt. Now get yourself back into healed dating shape so that you can go out there and meet The One!

 

And thank your lucky stars it was only a year and a half. Some people are going through this after many more years.

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Jayar is right. This guy has told you everything you need to know about why this relationship ended, and what you discovered on his MySpace account reveals to you even more.

 

The absolute best thing you can do for your sanity is to remove yourself in any way, shape, or form from the person whose actions are causing your sanity to spiral out of control!

 

What happened to you IS devastating, and you are going to feel the pain, anger, and hurt for some time as you get through this. There's no way around it, you're going to have to experience this. As a moderator says here in his signature, the only way to get through hell is to go right through it.

 

And you're gonna be ok. It may take a while to see this, but you WILL be.

 

It's a terrible way for this relationship to end, but it sounds like the relationship had been unhappy for some time. Those two weeks of peace don't really count. So put them out of your head.

 

We're here for you, too. Use this forum as a sounding board, to rage, to vent, whatever you have to do to keep from contacting your ex. You will thank us for this advice later on, trust me.

 

After you get your things and cat, NO CONTACT.

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I want to do all that but Im not strong enough for that.

 

He was telling a mutual friend that he still cares for me and wants me in his life. Im so hurt and angry I want to yell. My emotions are constantly changing, and its just not fair.

 

You ARE strong enough. You have to be. He left you, and you now have no choice in the matter. And he still cares for you and wants you in his life, but he dumped you and gets tingles from your friend?! In this case you have to consider his actions over his words. He might want you in his life, but it's NOT because he cares for you... It's because he doesn't want you to move on. Why would he?! He doesn't want to think you can be happy without him.

 

Hugs.

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I would advise against assuming that he cheated with your friend until you have more evidence. The messages that you posted here are certainly suspicious but not conclusive.

 

They'd be enough for me... Cheating doesn't ONLY mean physical. This guy is demonstrating that he isn't into her anymore. Well the friend thing and of course the fact he said he's not in love with her anymore...

 

Whether he physically cheated or not, he has betrayed her emotionally and DUMPED HER. He doesn't want to be with her. There's nothing left for her to do but move on.

 

To Miss Understood...

 

I agree. Get it off your chest here. Remember that though there is so much you want to say, nothing will change the way he feels and what he has done and said to you. And all "communicating" does at this point is reassure him of how valuable he was (is) to you. It does very little that is actually positive for YOU.

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Alright here goes nothing:

 

Chris,

Im not here to try and beg you to come back. I just want to say that I gave you my whole heart, I put everything I had into this relationship and you are just throwing me away like garbage. Everything you ever told me was a lie, every promise and every kiss, means NOTHING now. I knew you were a selfish person but I never knew you were this cruel. I was willing to accept your flaws because thats what you do when you love someone, you love everything about them. It sickens me how easily you lied to my face about so many things, you used me and spit me out. How could you make love to me the way you did just a mere week before all of this, knowing how much you meant to me. I don't want to hear your lies about how you didn't leave me for someone else. I know you did so don't try to convince me. How could you just jump from one person to another in a WEEK? Scratch that I know it was before because you remember how uncomfortable she had beeen making me. You are a heartless pig, and you lost the best thing that ever happened to you. I was there for you and supported you through everything.

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GREAT exercise! I agree with DN... Print it and tear it into tiny pieces and burn it. Cheap therapy.

 

Notice how you are TELLING him that you don't want to hear his lies and TELLING him that you don't value any word or touch or kiss anymore? How about showing him. Showing him by moving on and doing BETTER and being HAPPIER. That will do more for your case than all the crying and bitterness in the world.

 

Also, in general I recommend to refrain from telling someone you're the best thing that ever happened to him... HE should be the one to draw that conclusion, based on missing you because you walked away (with dignity still intact) without another word or thought on him. And he's left standing there thinking "wait a second.... Wasn't I worth at least getting a little upset over?!" If you DO get upset over him, he thinks quite the opposite; "Man I really devastated her... I must be a catch! Let's see how much better I can do..." What would you rather his final thought be? A or B? Then let that be your strength.

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Listen to the feedback you're getting very closely. But...keep venting here until you've got it all out.

 

I have a few questions for you.

 

You said in your vent you knew he was selfish...can you give us some examples?

 

You also said something about how this other girl had been making you feel uncomfortable...what had happened there?

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Also, I forgot to add...Miss Understood, no matter how upset you get, no matter how distraught over the next several days...don't do or saying anything yet to him. Let's try to sort through the initial shock and understandably chaotic emotions here first. Trust me, you don't want to say anything based or act on the emotions you are feeling right now.

 

In your heart, you know you want a chance at reconcilation. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, I don't know. It's important to sort through what's happened here, before we can really give you advice on whether to give that a shot, to hope for it, or to do anything about it.

 

One thing I can assure you of is that not acting on your emotions right now will serve you well.

 

So, back to the questions I asked you in my previous post....

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Hello, little miss understood.

 

I have just finished reading your post. I understand completely a lot of your feelings and emotions. Especially the part about not being strong enough to leave and just move on. I am currently in limbo land with my bf/friend/ex whatever you want to call him. For a bit of background on my relationship (It might be boring) Sam and I have been together for two years now. We lived together for the first year of our relationship. (We should have waited, but it just sort of happened that way) we broke up after the first year and a half. After initiating NC immediately, going out every night, drinking myself stupid and generally trying my very best to move on, two weeks later Sam came crawling back and said all the things I wanted to hear. His reasoning for our breakup was that of your bf. Im not happy, I have fallen out of love with you, and I think we are just better as friends. After a week of seeing each other again we decided to get back together, but not live together. This worked really well for another six months. I even moved out closer to his area, I was thinking we would move back in together around August/September next year. Well unbeknownst to me he had told a couple of our mutual friends that he didn't see us being together for much longer. I then got a text msg from a girlfriend that Sam had just told her he had left me and was I ok. I had NO idea about this. We had just had two weeks of absolutely bliss, our relationship was where it was in the beginning. I was very very upset. SO I started NC again. And this time it was only one week before he came crawling back. Now most people would walk away this time and not look back, EVER. But I am struggling with not being with Sam. and everytime I think about him not being in my life, I hold onto him tighter. We are still "seeing" each other, but are not together. I am starting to struggle with this arrangement as my emotions are far too involved and I can't really handle the whole, with you, but not with you.

 

Why I am writing to you is because I think someone needs to tell you that there are NO RULES IN LOVE. If you still want to be with him after what he said to you and what you found out, then you must be willing to accept that your relationship has now been changed forever. You won't trust him and you will question everything he does. In time these issues can be overcome, but it does take just that, TIME. It would be best for you to move on and never even look back, but, until you are strong enough emotionally you will not. I strongly suggest initiating NC if you do wish to stay with this guy. Not pleading and beggin and just getting on with it (I know its really hard) will make him wonder. If he still cares for you and wants a relationship with you, he will come back. If what you found out is still happening, he won't. And then you will have no choice but to move on. From my point of view, I won't leave Sam or move on until he tells me from his mouth that he doesn't want me anymore. I am not strong enough to make the decision for the both of us, not when I still see a glimmer of hope.

 

Please PM me if you need any support or advice. I FULLY know where you are coming from and it hurts like hell.

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I don't know how to thank all of you. Your replies have given me such comfort I cannot even begin to explain. I just got back from my first therapy session and it was all basically me venting and her giving me different viewpoints.

 

To answer some questions, he is basically a selfish person, he even admitted that. While we were together during little fights or bickering he would shut off totally and not give a crap about us because he "didn't feel like talking about it." When he wants to be left alone, or when he doesnt want to care he won't.

 

And the thing about the other girl is that during our "good week" that I first wrote about she was always talking to him on AIM and just getting to close for comfort. Hes vulnerable right now and I feel she is taking advantage of it. She was suppoed to be my friend, in fact when all this started she was offering girl nights to eat ice cream, and now look at her.. Plus a month ago her own boyfriend had cheated on her.

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He wants his cake and wants to eat it too. Hes probably banging your friend, and he said hes not in love with you. Trust me it takes a lot more strength to put up with that crap and make yourself miserable trying to live a relationship that doesnt work and wont work. Just move out, go live with friends, your family etc. just get away from him. Tell your friend that she is trash, and you never want to see her again also. Shes not your friend.

 

Its gonna be hard, but when it is just remember how he crapped on you, thatll get you through the hard times.

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And the thing about the other girl is that during our "good week" that I first wrote about she was always talking to him on AIM and just getting to close for comfort. Hes vulnerable right now and I feel she is taking advantage of it.

 

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd probably go with this assumption rather than that your guy is "banging her."

 

Now, something about your responses to my questions raised more questions. You're not really giving specific examples of his selfishness, just saying he didn't "put his all" into the relationship.

 

And yet, he has told you that you didn't appreciate him.

 

Might he have been doing a great deal for the relationship....but you simply weren't ever satisfied with his efforts? Is it possible you did or said things that genuinely made him feel unappreciated?

 

Think hard. Every break-up has two stories, two sides. Because two people were in the relationship.

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