I Feel Like Breaking NC

[tara3720]

I just want to say thank you first of all to those who helped me in my situation.

 

 

I'm doing much better, but I'm still hurting, wondering, and thinking about my ex. I mean, he gave me an 'ultimatum' the week before I gave him a very special and heartfelt birthday. He said if I do this thing he so hates one more time he's going to get a new girl right away, and he wants me to go get a new guy. Do you think another girl that fast will really make him happy???

 

I know I may sound foolish, but I need some help and encouragement to maintain NC. It really bothers me he hasn't even called or anything

[Juliana]

Why, yes, I do think she would make him happy. Because he's a giant a-hole, so honey, he's not looking at her soul or anything, you know? He has very simple needs in terms of female companionship, so I think, frankly, anything standing on a street corner could probably "make him happy."

 

Does it bother you he doesn't call? What does it do but confirm exactly what we were all thinking about him? What a d*mba** he is, to let you go.

 

I say again: Run, and don't look back. There are real men out there. Go find one and give him a great birthday.

[tara3720]

Thank you for that response. It helped me see if he was a man whom focused on the "real" woman and the 'relationship' aspect of being with a woman, he wouldn't be ignoring me and beating me down for a mistake. Good point.

 

The crazy thing is in the last email he sent me, he said that my "issues" are not fair to him, and he hopes I find the help I need. Those were his exact words.

 

In all reality, I was in it for the love, affection, and relationship aspect, thereforeeee I put up with his anger issues, which were HUGE, I put up with his outbursts, his days of ignoring me, and NEVER gave him an ultimatum or ignored him.

Thanks for assuring me he is not worth the thought. i do get down sometimes, but I think i'm doing better.

[Juliana]

Oh my lord, I love it when they tell me to get help, I love it! Guys like this always minimize their own faults, and maximize yours -- so if you are, say, messy, forgetful, and have bad table manners, that will be so much bigger in his mind than the fact that he is emotionally abusive, cannot handle intimacy, and says hurtful things to you. In reality, especially for the purposes of having a relationship, one partner is clearly a healthier person than the other.

 

You know know those cardboard cutouts they use in Westerns? Pictures of people that look real, from a distance, but when you're up close you can walk around behind them, and there's nothing there? Well, that's what you're dealing with. It can be a real trap to do any of the following:

 

- take seriously any of his criticisms of you; because he will be so critical, it is impossible to figure out what your actual faults may be and what are imaginary things he is throwing at you

- try to figure out why he is acting this way. People get paid the big bucks to figure out guys like this, and they get nice white coats, too.

- imagine that he can or will change. At his age, that is so unlikely as to be up there with being struck by lightning. I'm not saying it can't happen. I'm saying it won't.

 

You will get nothing but abuse from this man. What a huge waste of time he is. Once you start dating normal men closer to your age, hopefully, you will find out just how messed up he is. And then you will feel sorry for him.

[tara3720]

juliana, thanks for pointing out all of those great things.

 

it's so true that he can blow up at every problem I have, yet his yelling, cursing, lying to me, ignoring me is somehow ok. maybe someday he will see how much I actually put up with him, how much i loved him, but by then it will be too late.

 

i know i'm angry and i feel awful saying this because i DONT wish him bad, but I hope his next girl he's rushing off to find (or already seeing) will leave him if he gives her the crap he pulled on me.

 

i can't think of him anymore though. thanks for helping me realize he is an a**h** not worth my time. =)

[CoolBambi]

Well Tara...what a lucky escape you have had. What a vile, controlling pig he sounds. He should be honoured that a wonderful, young, sensitive, attractive, friendly, loyal girl wants him. Instead...it isn't enough. Jennifer Lopez wouldn't be enough for this type of man.

He has issues that only deep, prolonged therapy could sort out.

 

Every time you cry, get upset or reassure him he gets validation - he feels like a big man and you are rewarding his poor behaviour - from what you have said he is anything but a man.

 

I would send him an email saying "Hi there......, I am so glad you decided to call it a day. I have met a wonderful man who appreciates my youth, vitality and lust for life.

I can't believe how lucky I am.

Thanks again for making the best decision for both of us. I hope you find happiness in the near future. Yours Tara

 

Let him do the sweating and be the product of your manipulation rather than the other way around.

But whatever you do honey - think long and hard if he asks you back. He gets off on upsetting you and making you feel pain.

 

All the best Bam xx

[tara3720]

thank you so much for the reply. it helps to hear what I'm doing well instead of always being put down by him. for the first time in years he told me he was proud of me last month. it was weird to hear that...

 

i know deep down i have so much to offer a man like you've said. i am attractive, young and athletic, and i'm truly very easy going. he just chose to pick at all my wrong, and never loved ALL of me.

i'm picking up the pieces, and each day I get stronger and thank God for bringing me back to reality, and in a healthy environment.

 

he hasn't called me, nor do I know if he will, but I'm glad he hasn't because it helps me move on, and if he does, I'll be ready to give him a great comback, and say good riddance. =)