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insecurity from lack of sex


radiotone
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is that right? is not that normal in a healthy relationship? me and my girlfriend have been pretty busy lately (with school and work) and we've been having sex a lot less than we used to before. i'm a very sexual person and sometimes it can get out of hand. if i want to have sex and she doesn't, i take it personally. thats how out of hand it gets. we do have sex, but once a week now i'd say. and it's mostly just intercourse. we rarely do anything else.

 

i get reeally turned on by her. from a certain outfit she wears, to just thinking that she's sexually appealing. and i have poor impulse problems. and i also don't make it known that i want to have sex because i'm ashamed of how frequent i'm in the mood. unless i REALLY want to have sex.

 

there are times where she makes time for us to make love and she wants it romantic and we do make love. and its great. i suppose i just want sex at the most inappropiate times. (when shes about to leave for work or school)

 

but lately now i've been sorta sad that we haven't been having much of it. i feel as if i'm not attractive or she finds sex not stimulating with me anymore. or she's not excited by the thought. she's always busy i guess. and sometimes i feel jealous when i know she's masturbated. because it seems she's masturbating more than having sex with me.

sometimes my hormones get out of control. but i'm 20 i guess. but this insecurity i get from it is not something i like feeling

 

can anyone relate?

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Oh god, I'm in the same situation as you and it sucks. Me and my girlfriend got together last summer. We would have sex like 4-6 times a week. We're both very sexual people. However, now that we're out of the "Honeymoon phase", sex doesn't rank as high as it used to. We live together, and we both work full-time, with a 45min commute each way. We take 2 college classes each. (Mon and Tues night classes).

 

So Mon/Tue are out due to class. Wednesday, if she is feeling alright, and isn't backed up on her DVR recorded shows, then we might have sex, but like you said, just plain old intercourse. Thursday is our designated laundry day (we drive back to the parents house in order to save quarters). Friday comes around and after work we hang out with friends, then make the hour long drive back to our apartment by the Uni. At this point she's always too tired/drunk (I always drive) to get into anything. Then from exhaustion we sleep halfway through the day Saturday, and then usually have plans with family friends, and repeat what happened Friday night. Then Sunday we're stuck taking care of things around the apartment. Might fit a quickie in the middle of the day (not romantic at all). She REFUSES to have sex right before bed, because then it feels like an "Obligation". I on the otherhand think having sex before bed, then falling asleep together is more romantic then having sex during the daytime.

 

Bleh. It's really taking a toll on me and it sucks. I totally feel your pain, but I don't know what to do to change it =/

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Hello there and welcome to my world!

 

I don't know exactly what the your situation is and wouldn't want to advise you on something that I myself am having troubles with (read my post) but as women, we don't like men to be so fixated in the act of sex itself.

 

Why don't you try being nice and cuddly with her. Try a make-up session and then walk away. This will give her a sense that you are not only interested in having sex with her all the time but that you enjoy just "closeness" with her... trust me she when she starts to see the difference in your attitude... SHE WILL BE LOOKING FOR YOU! Another good idea is to leave her flirtacious messages on her cel when sh'es at work. Make her feel special. Try not to focus so much in sex, a good idea is to think of yourself as here teen-years boyfriend. With your first GF i assume you were not always trying to get her to sleep with you, at least notdirectly.. try this approach... I certainly always works on my...

 

Women are more emotional when it comes to sex! always remember that! Take care of the emotional part and the physicall part you won't even need to worry about, cause she'll be so happy she's jump through hoops to make sure you get it to make you happy aswell...

 

Hope this helps!

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Savigota,

 

Oh how I wish that was the answer. Unfortuneatly, it's not the physical act itself that I find myself missing. I can (and do) masturbate when thats the problem. However, the thing I miss most is the intimacy between me and my girlfriend that can only come when we are that close together. I lost my virginity to her, and in doing so discovered this whole new intimate side of myself. Unfortuneatly, not even a year after we got together, I found myself supressing this intimate side in order to not annoy my girlfriend and have me feeling rejected =/

 

It's drivin me nuts =X

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It's hard because:

 

1.) She feels that any sort of discussion of the problem makes it worse. She doesn't mind talking about sex, and in fact she's looking in to a job where she'd be holding Sex Toy Parties. However, when we talk about how to fix the problem, she claims it "ruins it" and that she needs sporadic sex. The problem is, everytime I try to be "Sporadic" I just get shot down, and end up feeling terrible (I can't handle disappointment well in any form, sexual or not).

 

2.) She just tells me she's too tired, not feeling well, etc etc. We are a little busier then we were when we started dating, but nothing that would warrant going from 4-6 times a week to 1. I really just feel like she doesn't care about sex enough to put effort into it anymore. It hurts =X

 

 

The hard part of this is that outside of the sex, we have a damn near PERFECT relationship. We never fight/yell (though we argue now and then, but we always come to an understanding quickly). We're both MUCH happier together then when we were not. We both make each other better as a whole. I've helped her through alot of issues dealing with her past, and she's helped me with my social problems.

 

I know it's not a physical problem. The sex, when we have it, isn't bad at all (though it could be spiced up a bit). I know she comes, usually I go out of my way to make sure she comes several times (once before intercourse, and once at the end of intercourse). I just don't know what to do =/

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Sounds like she's overwhelmed... ok and why don't you try stepping away for a while.. i mean sexually, let her be the one to look for you. I know it might be very hard but at least you'll clear out your doubts. She wouldn't be with you if she didn't care for you. Remember not everybody has the same sex drive, and we have to learn to respect that. Trust me you are not doing bad at all at least you get some once a week, imagine if you were in my shoes and it was once a month....

 

And you have to bring that self-steem up, nobody likes a whinner. I learned that the hard way. When i was constantly being rejected I thought it was my problem (not sexy enough, not good in bed, etc) Then afterwards I just put and end to that beacuse deep inside i KNOW that it is not true.. any other man would be eager to have intimicy with me.. so there the problem was my husbands not mine. Same goes for you! Don't imagine things were there aren't, you did mention that when you do have sex is really good. Again I just think you need to first deal with your insecurities (people see what you show them.. act the part!) Feel like the all-time gigolo (not literaly please) and you GF will be intriged and curious by the new YOU. Second, again I advise you to let her come to you for sex, for a change!

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Sounds like she's overwhelmed... ok and why don't you try stepping away for a while.. i mean sexually, let her be the one to look for you. I know it might be very hard but at least you'll clear out your doubts. She wouldn't be with you if she didn't care for you. Remember not everybody has the same sex drive, and we have to learn to respect that. Trust me you are not doing bad at all at least you get some once a week, imagine if you were in my shoes and it was once a month....

 

I've been trying to do that, it's hard though. Can't really tell if it's helping. I'm going to continue trying this and hoping for it. Once a week though is killing me =/

 

And you have to bring that self-steem up, nobody likes a whinner. I learned that the hard way. When i was constantly being rejected I thought it was my problem (not sexy enough, not good in bed, etc) Then afterwards I just put and end to that beacuse deep inside i KNOW that it is not true.. any other man would be eager to have intimicy with me.. so there the problem was my husbands not mine. Same goes for you! Don't imagine things were there aren't, you did mention that when you do have sex is really good. Again I just think you need to first deal with your insecurities (people see what you show them.. act the part!) Feel like the all-time gigolo (not literaly please) and you GF will be intriged and curious by the new YOU. Second, again I advise you to let her come to you for sex, for a change!

 

I don't feel like the problem is me, I know the problem is mostly because of the situation and a problem she has due to her last relationship (sex became duty, she would avoid it at all costs.) Although it may come accross as it does by my post, I am not an insecure person, atleast not with anything concerning her. I have a rather cocky attitude whenever it is appropriate.

 

Most of my frustration and pain comes from the fact that I just cant figure out how to fix the problem. Whether it's due to the situation, or maybe it's not my problem to fix, it just frustrates me to no end.

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