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Why do we get insecure after a breakup?

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I always thought an interesting cycle in the break up was that your pretty confident in a relationship and once you lose that person, on a long enough time scale(1 week-3 months) you start to become insecure again.


We start to become more self conscious, start working out more, maintaining ourselves again, and ultimatley start letting those old questions back into our head ( Am I really worthy of companionship? have I been lying to myself? Would anybody else want me ever again? ETC)


Other than the OBVIOUS reasons, why do you think it is we get insecure when we're single? I have made it a personal agenda not to get like that this time around and I've done a pretty good job, yet I still find myself self conscious at times.

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thedoctor - thank goodness you posted this i was going through the same thing. I have been broken up for a month now and do hear from the ex but only once on the weekend so he can say goodbye before he leaves - not that i want to see him.


Anyway i detract - i feel so insecure about what i look like how i dress what i say will anyone ever want me again am in interesting enough do i look right will people see past my flaws physically again what my body looks like etc

I dont know why i worry no one will want me again and that i will never marry and that is done now - i had a wonderful man but the outside pressures and his selfishness made him become not the one for me and he drifted and we had no choice but to split really espically as he is going away.


I am trying to go out more and meet people as my friends are all married so cant go out with them and going out with couples is hard still - I am going to go to the gym although i am not big at all but toning is good - however i have lost weight through the break up so actually feeling healthier.


I am getting a new job so working towards that but keep wanting to tell him how i feel re my job experiences etc but i cant he doesnt care so i have to move on.


So i am with you why do we ask ourselves those insecurities - maybe it is good for us to work again on ourselves and i know in my 4 yr relationship i have matured and those questions are less important then last time but are still there - maybe it is good for us or we end up in a comfortable rut when we are with someone.


glad i am not the only one - i was angry with myself for feeling so insecure - nearly panicking about meeting others.


Lets work at our insecurities as a team!

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We get insecure because the people we loved have decided that they don't want/ need us in their lives anymore. It's only natural to wonder why you were so easy to cast aside.


But it works to your favour as it forces you to improve yourself. I hit the gym after I got dumped recently and now, I've lost the weight that I have wanted to lose for a while now and I'm becoming a lot more toned and I look marvellous if I do say so myself. I also started learning Spanish, picked up my guitar again and started learning to ride a motorbike.


I've also dissected myself as a partner in a relationship to see how I can improve myself next time around... Falling a bit short on that though as I can honestly say I couldn't have been a better boyfriend if I tried but maybe that was the problem, maybe I should be a bit of an * * * to the next one occasionally!


Like I say, the insecurity in the wake of a break-up can be the best thing that ever happened to you.

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Hey Guys or girls,

you may not take advice from me because im 17 but, I'll just go ahead and throw my 2 cents in.


I think people get self conscious because people engage in a daily routine when they are in a relationship, weither your saying right now "no you dont" well you do because no matter what happens that day, it can be changed or you can be effected at any moment by that other person so you always make time in or exceptions for that person. As self confidence goes, as well as the routine you mold to that person, that body you had that you had an extra 1 lb that you were sooo worried about and your bf/gf accepted you got used to it, now that she/he's not there anymore and its a different person you go back to the way you used to be, people might not find this attractive and such. Not only that now that we are single we put ourselves through a natural "im signle" trying to look our best 24/7, you want to look impressive to others. You can notice it in the beginning of relationships as well when your not comfortable you still Dress-To-Impress. Then eventually when your more comfortable around that person its okay to wear those baggy sweat pants that you deny owning to other people while you didn't comb or wash your hair so it points straight up. Every single person does this after they start getting to used to "hey i dont have anyone that if i randomly call they will understand" or "if i dont have anything to do i know i will have someone who will be with me" kind of thing, were you break your routine and you rely more on yourself to come up on something.


Think about it this "after break up" becomes your new routine right? Wearing better clothes, always brushing your teeth lol, making sure your wearing your cologne and such? And the funny thing is you ALWAYS notice how people notice you more and start complimenting you, you will still have that "i dont know" kind of feeling. Because when you were dating that person they didn't really care on what you were wearing and if you looked stupid they were like oh well he/she's mine and i love them, so you got used to that. Well you got my 2 cents, think of this after shock as a blessing and reminder that there are other people then just that one person..

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I'm going through the same thing. He was my first love and the worst feeling is that he has someone new after only three months and I have no-one.


Yet, yesterday I went to see my shrink and we talked about the fact that I am insecure, I've always had a very low self-esteem, but the break-up has made me worse!!


So, he mentioned hypnotizing me??? I was reluctant, but I did it and i feel great!! I'm much better already, have another session on Monday and can't wait!


I know people say it's a bit drastic, but it has helped me alot...!!

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So true so true. I used to wear sweats/basketball shorts when I used to see my ex everyday and rarely shaved. Now I dress to impress and start to shave more and more and keeping my lineup fresh. I still miss her though and its been a month since we've broken up and last week I talked to her but NC all the way for me.

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