What should I do now - accept or keep trying?

[tray_acct]

I'm in my mid 20s and I am really confused now. I feel that I have no purpose anymore and sometimes I feel to take my own life, I feel suicidal.

 

Here's my story. I was dating my girlfriend for almost 8 years. We met in high school and we were always together and I loved her so very much. We've spent so much time together and ignored everyone else that we both lost contact with all of our friends.

I have always treated her well and we were both faithful, never cheated on each other. I worked really hard, I am now working full time, didn't choose to go to university, bought a car for OUR convenience, and always tried my best to pay for everything because I wanted to take care of her even though I wasn't making that much. I also bought a house for my mother and I because we did not want to rent anymore. Now I find myself in debt by 20K, but I personally believe that this is fixable.

 

She left me 1 month ago saying that love is not everything and that she didn't love me like she used to. She told me that I don't have any friends. She told me that I am not financially secure and my personality is not outgoing enough. Well, I believe that I lost my friends because of our relationship and I'm not yet financially secure because I spent most of my earnings on her. She said that I needed to work harder in life. I don't have a father, my mom's is not making that much, yet I bought a car and a house. I'm still young, I feel that I have accomplished so much, but yet, it's just not enough in her eyes and that hurts me so so much.

 

I love her so much, but she says that love is not enough and her words broke my heart in a million pieces. She says that I don't have enough money for marriage and to purchase a new home for us. I told her that I will sacrifice and we will get there. But she didn't think so. I don't want anyone else but her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her and she means everything to me. I wanted us to grow old together happily ever after. She has a heart of gold and she is a great girl.

 

God, it's so hard being a guy, I feel so much pressure. She wants me to join the gym, be very attractive, and be outgoing (it's very hard for me because I'm very shy, but I do put an honest effort), be entertaining in public (dinners), be financially secure, etc... but she doesn't understand that she has faults too, but no one is perfect and that I am in love with her regardless and I am always willing to try to make her life better. I love her more than I love myself.

 

I don't' know if it's because she resents me for not dating anyone else. She is currently in University and says that I should go back to school. Now I have a mortgage to pay, a car loan to pay, have to work full-time, but I still gave in and I am now going to University part-time to please her. I am also going to join the gym and wake up at 5am every morning to work out and look attractive for her. But it seems that everything I do is not enough, and I feel so much pressure and overwhelmed, I feel like death would be much easier.

 

I am also reading books on how to not be shy and be outgoing. I am trying, but she says that all this is too little too late. I want to marry her in the next 3 years and I am trying to get rid of my debt. I know that there are a lot of single girls out there, but I am not interested as I want her to be the mother of my children. She's the only one that I've slept with and I'm so very proud of that. I'm the only one she's slept with as well. She told me not to call her anymore and that she doesn't think that things will work out because she wants to marry and settle down very very soon and she is confused as well. She is not sure if I'm the right one because she hasn't dated anyone else and that I am not ready to marry because of lack of money.

 

I am not confused, know what I want, but can't do it because I'm not financially there yet. I felt like I have accomplished so much in my life, I'm still young, yet, I feel like a complete failure in her eyes and her thoughts are all that matter to me.

 

I apologize for writing so much. We haven't spoken to each other in a week now and she told me it's over. What should I do? Should I workout, look nice for her, go to school and get a degree, try to get a promotion in my job and make more money, be more outgoing, save up for a marriage and a new home first and then show her that I'm the one for her. That's will take at least 4 years, but I'm willing to do it because I love her, even though there's a big chance that she might find someone else. I love her so much that I'm willing to work hard, let her date other guys and when I'm ready, get her back. What a stupid plan, huh? I can't think rationally anymore.

 

She wants me to be her dream guy and I'm trying to be, but there is so much pressure that I can't take it anymore. I am scared to death of failure and rejection. I am shy so everyday is a struggle for me, being in public, going to work, going to school. She doesn't understand that. But I do my best, try to talk, get into conversations in public, yet I'm not outgoing enough. She says that I don't talk to her, communicate to her very much. The problem is that I know her so well that sometimes I don't know what to talk about.

 

We haven't spoken in a week. She told me that it's over, but she wants to be friends. I feel that I have no purpose anymore and that my life is going nowhere. I have no friends. I have no goals. I feel so empty without her intimacy. I am very emotional so that doesn't help at all. I look in the mirror and I think to myself that if there was an "off" button somewhere to end my life, I would press it now. I can't bear being away from her, she is my life and my life revolved around her only. I am confused, I am worthless, I want to die and end the misery. God, why is life so cruel? Why is life so unforgiving? What is the purpose? If I would win the lottery, I would give her everything because her happiness is what pleases me. Why doesn't she love me anymore? I tried my best for 8 years, but I have failed. I am a failure. Why do I even exist? I hate life. I want to die.

[astronula]

You deserve better, and she doesn't deserve you. She is trying to make you someone you are not, and doesn't love you for who you are. She is putting WAY too much stress on this relationship, and now has her cake (you being her friend) and eating it too. My strategy for you would be to start NC and put on the act where you don't care anymore (even if you do) and try to date other girls. You are young, man, she is sucking the life right out of you. You have a lot of good hard working qualities, I respect that.

[Aschleigh]

Whoa.

First of all, if she really loved you and wanted to be with you none of that other stuff matters. Don't do anything more for her.

Stop and see what it is you need and want. I know you want her right now , but if it comes with all that stuff you think you have to do to "win" her love Is it worth it?

I don't think any of the reasons she gave you for breaking up are true.

I think she spent 8 years with you and now wants to date other people, to see what's out there.

I would siggestion you take a month, or however long it takes and evaluate your life , from the perspective of " What will make me happy?

If being with a girl who needs you to change all that stuff about you to please her is it, then pursue her.

You deserve to be loved for who you are right now, where you are right now.

Your love for yourself has to be greater than your love for anyone else.

Take some time, calm down, evaluate what you really need to be happy, and stop trying to please someone whoo isn't interested right now.

Who knows what the future holds, deal with you first. This relationship isn't as important as your own mental/emotional health. Work on that first.

Good luck!

[ElegantOverkill]

im soo sorry for you right now man.... i was in the same boat but not as sever as your situation. the best advice i could give to you would be and i know its hard but do the things to improve yourself for YOU not her! because its your life not hers. do not talk to her start NC now! yes it was a crappy thing she did to you and i know how it feels when you put your whole life into someone. i was dumped and i felt so alone because she was my life and she was the only thing in my life. dont get down on yourself i know its hard now and it will be for a little while, but improve yourself for yourself and it WILL get better.

 

im here to talk and if you need any advice feel free to pm me.

[AwdreeHpburn]

tray -welcome to ena! Sorry about the situation that brings you here!!

 

I feel really bad giving you my honest opinion because I want to have hope for you. i want you to have hope. But I just don't see any.

 

My vote is for accepting it. I'm sorry dude. Give it some time and space. Think about it again in a few days......

[Juliana]

Yeah, uh, heart of gold...

 

Well, actually, no. She's very immature, and she's making ridiculous demands of another person, demands she has no right to make. "Do this, do that." That's crazy.

 

Okay, so you have some time off from each other. That's good. It sounds like you've had your life organized around this relationship for a long time. I hate to be the one to tell her this, but alot of married guys end up losing friends because they basically work and then go home to their wives; it's not unusual for married guys to get more socially isolated than single guys.

 

However, the things she suggested are sensible, and I would go ahead and do them, if I were you; going to the gym, not so you'll be attractive for her, but simply because it's smart -- 3X a week is plenty, by the way. You should try to get more education, because that's a smart move, too. It's not like she told you to go down to the corner and start selling crack; the ideas aren't the problem, it's the pressure behind them, the horrible way she went about trying to get you to do these things. So I would just run with the ideas, and not talk to her.

 

She's been with you a long time. She's not used to not having the security of you there. And that's okay; it's good for her to find out what it's like to be on her own, emotionally, physically. Most women wait all their lives for a man like you; she's taking you for granted. Stop talking to her. Go into no contact, and let her really find out what it's like without you there. If you're there as her friend, she'll still feel the security of knowing you're there; she's looking for a man who can challenge her a little, so do not talk to her. Not to be spiteful, of course, but because it's really the only way she's ever going to find out what she wants. Try not to look too far down the road right now. Look after yourself and your mum. Even the best relationships hit rocky stretches sometimes, and you shouldn't be in so much despair quite yet.

 

Oh, by the way, she'll be d*mn lucky if some other girl doesn't snatch you up in the meantime. You're about as far from being a failure as guys get. Please post back and keep us updated.

[CharmedphoenixRising]

I'm sorry to hear about it too.

 

But think of it this way- you've got your place, your ride & you're on your way to a university degree.

Take some time out for yourself, you sound like you've got your plate overflowing anyway.

 

And don't even think about going the suicide route, life's full of ups & downs and this is a down time @ the end of a LTR, but it's not the end of your life. Okay?

Aim for something that you really want for you in the future and go forth young man!

[forza2]

Move on. Act like nothing happened. She'll go crazy. When she calls you just ignore her. if she says lets hang out, say that you have plans and you can't.

[007]

Wow...sounds awfully similar to what brought me here originally.

 

Man, you're doing LOTS of positive for yourself...However, you're doing some negative.

 

You know what the negative is that you're doing?

 

EVERYTHING that SHE wants YOU to do in order to try and make your someone/something that you're NOT.

 

You have lots to be proud of, man...you have a HOUSE that is YOURS. You are paying for that, you're working hard, AND you have a car.

 

Walk with your head high, and chest out...This girl, like my ex, just doesn't deserve you, homeboy.

 

That's the TRUTH. Be very proud of yourself for all that you're achieving in life.

 

See, just like my ex, I treated her great...and she left. All because I was her 1st REAL man.

 

Well, let her and your ex find out just what life has to offer them...I PROMISE you that one day, both of our exes will realize that they f'd up BIG TIME.

 

On 2nd thought, that's not just a promise, that's a GUARANTEE.

 

Ignore her, and stay away. She's trying to manipulate you into someone and something that you just aren't.

 

Keep your head up, man...and best of luck to you.

 

-007

[freedom]

tray_acct,

Sometimes things happens for a reason though you will not realise it now.

From where i stand you are doing a fantastic job! You have your priorities in the correct place and i truly admire you for that. You made your choices to work and buy a house and a car and you are working hard at setting yourself up.

The thing is, this is not for her. It should never be for her.You have set yourself a good start. Had more then most people your age. Being fun and spontenious is a good thing but you have responsibilites and you are looking after the responsibilities. Unfortunately for her, she will not see that anytimes soon until she tries to buy a home for herself. (which i dont think she will as she will look for someone to do it for her)

What i am saying is, she is looking for someone to do all the work for her (a sugar daddy), so her life is easy. TO be honest i dont advice having someone liek that i your life. She has take you for granted.

Only advice to you is, dont hold yourself up to her standards because they are unrealistic.

Why are the unrealistic?

Because she is not able to do it herself. It is her dream and she is making you live her dream. It isnt fair, it isnt right.

 

What is realistic is when 2 people have the same dream and when 2 people work for THAT dream in the real world.

 

As Momene says, there isnt such thing as "the One" there is "The Few". She WAS one of the few in your life, there will be another that will SHARE YOUR dreams.

 

Let go.

[ranlian]

tray acct, I feel like I am you, but am 10 months farther down the road.

 

Juliana's got a point in that your girlfriend is at least asking for positive things, such as the university agree, working out, etc. I know you feel you've come a long way in trying to better yourself and you should feel proud of yourself!

 

Now here's what I see... but remember, it's just my speculation:

 

1) You're working to try to make ends meet and chose not to go to school. On the otherhand, your girlfriend is attending university. It seems like she's almost looking down on you, and she might consider you and her to be on different levels, making it difficult to make an emotional connection (hence the non-communication from her perspective).

 

2) University takes people out of reality. You're in the real world working while she is going to school and socializing with a lot of other people who are, more or less, care-free. I'm making a huge assumption here, but she may have found someone at University that she could be interested in, leading her to make comparisons between you and her new interest. It's not uncommon for people to enter a new environment (e.g. school, new country, etc) and suddenly change.

 

Basically, I think she feels that you are both on different levels, and it's becoming more difficult for her to relate to you. In the meantime, you're hanging on to the old as tightly as possible.

 

In this situation, there's nothing you can do but accept it. Accept that you are powerless over her, and accept that there's nothing that you can do that will make her happy. At this point, she needs room (i.e. time & space) to grow and figure out what she wants out of life.

 

Like I said, I was you about 10 months ago, feeling helpless and desperate when my fiance left me after 5 years for another guy at her grad school. I still have ups & downs, but you have to remember that we are all ultimately responsible for our own happiness. So take this time out for yourself and do it for YOU, and not for her. Believe me... because I also need to follow my own advice.

[Carolineinthecountry]

Tray:

I realize that this is basically the same thing that everyone else is telling you, but let this girl go!

You've had to make some really difficult choices in your life, and you've stepped up and undertaken responsibilities that men twice your age wouldn't be willing to shoulder.

If she doesn't see what a special person that makes you, her loss man. All the time that you've been together, it seems like you've done everything to try to make her happy, but you have to see that making her happy isn't your job. Nobody should have to MAKE someone else happy--I mean, don't make her miserable, but if someone loves you, they should just BE happy to be with you, whatever the circumstances.

It sounds like she doesn't just want you to DO things differently, she wants you to BE someone other than who you are. Tray, improve yourself in whatever ways you want to, but ONLY if you WANT to, not because someone is making you!

I know you say you only want to be with her, that you don't want anyone else, but I think that's because the wound is still so fresh. I PROMISE you, if you are true to yourself, you WILL find the person that loves and appreciates you. In the situation you're in now, nobody ever thinks they'll love again, but we all do...

As far as having contact with the ex, I advise completely AGAINST having ANY contact with her. If she thinks she can string you along, she will. If she thinks she can snap her fingers and you'll come running, she will. BUT that will make you look pathetic in her eyes and lead you to more hurt. Cut her off and move on with your life.

Also, as far as your thoughts of suicide go--Please, PLEASE don't do it. PLEASE go see someone--doctor, psychiatrist, priest, pastor, PLEASE don't let yourself go down this dark path. There is light at the end of the tunnel, my friend, and it isn't a train.

Please keep us posted!

Caroline

[tray_acct]

I want to thank you all tremedously from the bottom of my broken heart. You have no idea how much you have helped me. I will continue to work towards what is good for ME and we'll see from there. I have realized that my life has not ended. I'm trying to make new friends and call back my old ones. It's hard, but I'll get there.

 

Update: I just saw my ex today and we talked for about 2 hours over coffee. I know that is not recommended, but I will continue to see her periodically, as a friend. Whatever I said in my first post was a little biased and I just wanted to let you all know that I'm not perfect either and she explained to me why she decided to end it and I fully understand now.

 

Long story short: it was love at first site for me, it was not for her. She tried and gave herself 8 years to really connect with me, but it didn't happen. She had realized this 5 years into the relationship, but didn't tell me because she didn't want to hurt my feelings (knowing that I was madly in love with her), but at the end, she had no choice because she was unhappy and told me that I would be unhappy and miserable as well to know that she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her... especially after marriage. She said that it wasn't fair for me and that I deserved much better, someone who would love me as much if not more. She doesn't have anyone else and doesn't know what the future holds for her, but she feel that it is the right move for both of us.

 

I shouldn't have portrayed her as a manipulative girl, because she is not. It wasn't my intention either, it was just how the words came out, crying for help. She did as much for me as I did for her, but her love for me diminished over the years. That is something that I cannot control and I have to accept it and move on. She does have a really good heart and there aren't too many people like that these days. She was always faithful in all sense of the word and we shared 8 memorable years that I will always cherish. So I ended my telling her that I will pray for us to be together, happily together, in our next lives and all lives after that whether we are humans, or another species, in any form.

 

Thanks again for listening to my life story and all your comments have touched my heart in ways you cannot imagine. I could't have imagined that this forum and you special human beings could have lifted my spirits so very high.

 

I love you all and would hug all of you if I can.

 

I am grateful. Thank you.