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Well, the last few weeks have been...weird...lol. She has gone back and forth between wanting a relationship (only when i tell her to stop talking to me) and then being undecided again (when i say 'ok well then lets try it'). Although the other things seem to be working out in my life, i found a good job (apprentice electrician) which is hard to do at my age, car is in the shop and ive decided to buy a work truck instead of a motorcycle - sorry friscodj Yet there is still a void and i still make excuses for myself to call her or make excuses for her actions that should be inexcusable. I have come to the realization that she is not the kind of person i want to be with, nor is she the kind of person i CAN be with...even if i believed i should. I am very lonely still...which is why i still talk to her.


I am trying my best to get out of the rut i am in but it is hard to escape.


I am putting myself out there and looking to find a new girl and meet new people but its not working out so well. I guess what i miss most is companionship itself more than her. I also cant see any new girl saying/doing the kind of things she used to...so i get discouraged. Im also not sure if im even ready to find someone else...i dont want to get with someone else and come to find out im not and waste their time.


The good news is i rarely feel like this...maybe a couple nights a week. Im motivating myself and im pushing through it...but i always slip up and message her. I am ok with talking to her...i really dont mind...i dont even mind going the friend route, but the other night i said some really mean things...really really mean things...worse than anything ive ever said to anyone. I know she has very low self esteem (which i believe is why she chooses to sleep w/ people she is only attracted to...to feel better about herself?) so i hit her everywhere...personality, looks, sense of humor, you name it i insulted. Why? i dont know why...i got this split second idea...it wasnt even out of anger...i just decided to say it hoping it would make me feel better and she would finally make up her damn mind...well now shes ignoring me and i feel horrible. Oh well, i guess this is a good chance to move on as much as i can...until shes done with whoever shes into now. Oh well, i guess it will be a surprise to her when i tell her to jump in a lake.


Thanks for listening.

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