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Self Sabotage


SmallTownFailure
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A little background...

 

I was born in a small town (less than 5,000), son of a judge so everyone knew exactly who I was and every little thing I did. Growing up, I couldn't have asked for a better situation. Pastures that went for miles, a forest behind my house, all sorts of animals, and everyone in the town looking after me.

In highschool I experimented with drugs, sex, and never cared about my schoolwork, but I still got by with decent grades. Voted "Most Liked", "Best Dressed", "Cutest Couple", and all that good stuff... Graduated, moved to a major university and partied my * * * off. Made decent grades first semester but horrible grades second semester. Father pulled me out of school to come home and go to a community college to get my act together.

So, here I am... 19, living at home again, and miserable. Worst part is, even while I'm here, I'm still nothing but a * * * * up. Same thing I've been all my life but just realized. I've got such a fear of growing up, I feel like I sabotage myself by having a good time 24/7 and procrastinating about everything. I look around and all i see is people that are 30 or 40, miserable with their jobs, love life, family life...everything. I sit up at night wondering what my life will be like in 10 or 20 years. Scared to death I will wake up one day and realize I'm unhappy. I have no direction in life, no passion towards anything relating to "gown up jobs", and I feel like schooling is useless without direction or passion towards a field of study.

I know I have my whole life to figure out who I am and what I want to do... but the opportunities I have now will never re-surface. My father offers me free college education, car, all the money I need. but I still find myself trying to have a good time when I should be studying because of the fear I'm going to have 0 fun in my life in later years. I can't seem to find that ballance between responsability and fun. I've got a "Peter Pan complex" X 100...

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There are two things in life. Things that destroy you, and things that build you up. You are afraid because you can't see far ahead on what the future will bring you. Luckely the things that can make you happy today, are the same things that can make you happy in lets say 20 years from now. You see NOTHING in this universe can make you happy exept loving and helping other people. So you preferably should get a carreer that has a field in which you exactly can do that. Basically you have to make the mature decision that you can't go on like this. What you need is balance, where im from they have a saying 'enjoy, but drink with measure' , most people i know study and work hard during the weekdays, and have fun in the weekends. See how they have time for themselves and time for work? So devide your tasks. You might want to try Zen Buddism in your life to bring yourself back to balance. Its essensial to understand that the things around you do not represent you. You have to EARN what you RECEIVE in life, it would have been better or you to have grown up in an empty barn in a poor place, instead of being a judge's son. Because you would have been brought up with the concept that you need to struggle and plead for your own case in your own life. You need to start cutting your own carrots, otherwhise you'll just be living in the shadow of your dad. Like Peter pan you need to find your own shadow. Do this by balancing your life,or in other words mo-fri = work.(fri-evening, Sat + Sun = free time/fun.) And don't drink your life away, rather replace your lifestyle habits, with positive constructive things that you enjoy to do.

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Just because you look around and see people who are 30 or 40 and appear to be unhappy with their lives doesn't mean that has to be how your life will go. It does make sense that you want to have fun while you're young, and I don't think that makes you a screw-up...I think that makes you human.

 

That said, there has to be a balance between enjoying the present and investing in your future. Maybe the people you see who are unhappy with their jobs, or their lives in general, are unhappy because they didn't have the opportunities that you have to make the most of your life, or they didn't pursue those opportunities.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is get a good education, even if you don't necessarily know what you want to do with it. I know a LOT of people who worked hard in college but still managed to have a good time (I was one of 'em!!), and even some people who, upon graduation, delayed getting a job for a couple of months to travel Europe and experience what life has to offer (I was not one of those, sadly, haha).

 

If you're scared of the rest of your life coming...well, it will whether you are investing in yourself right now or not, and I know plenty of 30, 40, 50 and even 60 year olds who are having the time of their lives.

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I appreciate the advice people. you are all 100% right. I just dont think I have the self control right now to fix my problems.

Most people would want to surpass what their parents did. I want to live under the shelter of mine forever =P

I know, I know... life happens no matter what so do the best you can with what you've got... but I just want to live with no responsibilities forever (or for at least 10 more years) and I know I can't...

Thanks though. You all reinforced the things I've thought about over and over and I know what I have to do... It's just the fact of making myself do it.

I was almost wishing someone would say "No! I did the exact same thing and look how I turned out! I'm a happy billionaire with no responsibilities!" alas... I know nothing comes from doing nothing... It's just so much fun though... I know it's more like "I did the exact same thing and look how I turned out! I live in a box and eat bugs!" or something along those lines...

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First, find something you're interested in, try to figure out what makes you happy (or what would make you happy in the workforce).

 

Second, wake up to reality, because you know what, dad's not going to be supporting you for the rest of your life (no offense). And even if he did, you'd be a big loser and no woman would want to date or get seriously involved with a man who is past 25 and still living at home with dad. It just makes you look lazy, unmotivated, and irresponsible (the 3 things that women hate in men).

 

Third, "growing up," as you say, or being in your thirties and forties doesn't mean that you have to live life like a librarian. While you do mature as you get older, you still think a lot like you did at a younger age. No one's telling you to live a miserable life when you're 30,40... no one's telling you to do something you don't like or aren't passionate about. If you want to be the type of person who still goes out drinking every weekend at age 30, 40, then so be it. No one will prevent you, and you'll have to find a woman who wants to live the same kind of lifestyle. Not all older people are as mature as you think. I can vouch for that. I'm a teacher, and outside of the classroom I definitely don't dress like a teacher or act like a teacher-- I am still a human being. The same goes for people of all professions.

 

You just have to know when it's time to be serious, and when it's ok to party and do whatever. When to act professional, and when you can be just the opposite. When to be responsible, and when it's ok to day "screw it."

 

You're only 19, though, so I'm not sure why you're so worried about this NOW. You may not think it, but you're young. Just be yourself, stay in school, figure out what you want to do, etc.

 

I remember being your age and being completely clueless about what I wanted to do in life. It'll pass.

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