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Someome please help me, advise me, anything...(I was raped)


MarieK12
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....I think.

 

Backstory:

 

I went out last Saturday with my boyfriend and three of his friends. We had a bit to drink, but no more than I usually have when we go "out" and yet this time was different. I remember nothing past about 11:00 PM that night other than a vague point where I remember being scared and confused because I couldn't find my boyfriend in the club and I couldn't make my brain work to come up with any kind of logical solution. My last memory is a bouncer telling me I couldn't stand where I was, that I had to move.

 

Next morning, I wake up naked and sore (down there), next to a man I've never seen in my life. 40 something, middle eastern, absolutely repulsive. I still felt drunk or drugged or something because I hardly even remember the turn of events after that point other than getting dressed faster than I ever have in my life and demanding he take me to my car. At one point he made up some obviously fake explanation for how I ended up there and tried to tell me that no sex occurred (yeah, that's why it hurts to sit, right?). I couldn't think straight other than to get AWAY as fast as I could. I had ten missed calls from my boyfriend flipping out because he couldn't find me. I called him and told him a friend of mine had picked me up once we got separated. I don't know why I lied to him. I felt so gross and dirty and I couldn't remember anything. Not one scrap. I wanted to forget what little bits I could remember about that morning.

 

Monday, I arranged for a morning after pill and tried to find an OBGYN to do STD testing on me. When no one could see me soon enough, I finally broke down and allowed everything to sink in. I left work as soon as I could, called my mother in hysterics, and she convinced me to go to the police.

 

After being shipped around a couple of times while they figured out the jurisdiction, they finally got me to a hospital for a nurse to run tests on me and take pictures. There were "abrasions" in the vaginal area indicating trauma to the area. Today, at six, I am meeting the detective assigned my case. I remember so little and everything is so frustrating.

 

How can I claim rape when I can't remember? What if no drugs are found in my system? What am I facing ahead of me here? How much is pursuing the legal end of things going to interfere with my life? How do I tell my boyfriend what happened? How will he react, will he think I am as gross as I feel? WHy didn't he call the goddamn police when he couldn't find me at the end of the night?? Is it a blessing that I don't remember anything or is it a curse because I'll never really be able to face what happened because I don't KNOW exactly what happened. I'm so lost. Tonight we are going to drive around to various apartment buildings that might fit my memories to see if I can identify them. I'm terrified. Scared to hell that I'll see the building and REMEMBER. Someone please tell me I'm doing the right thing here. That I have a right to do this. This was rape, wasn't it? I never would touch that man. Never. I'd never let him touch me. I wish I could forget his face.

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Marie - Welcome.

 

Your ordeal sounds horrendous. I'm really sorry.

 

It's really hard to say whether or not rape "actually" or "legally" occurrred because you remember so little. The man you were with, if found, will undoubetedly say you consented to whatever took place, that you were not held against your will, that you were free to go when ever you wanted, that you left with him willingly etc, etc, etc. And since you can't recall enough to counter, it may not be classified as "rape"

 

I think you should let your boyfriend in on what happened as you have here though. I can't imagine he'll think of you as gross as you feel, but you should take the risk and tell him anyway. Tell him what actions you've taken since, (calling the police, involving your mom) tell him how embarrassed you are, hence the accidental lie, and how you really need him in your corner right now.

 

Sweety, keep us posted will you? I feel awful for what's happened. I don't know where you'll stand legally but that man probably had more than one indication that you were not of sound mind....whenther he took advantage of your drunken-ness or drugged you.

 

I defintiely think you did the right thing going to the police.

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I am totally wrecked right now. I kept telling the police, "How is it possible for this to go anywhere?" I just wanted them to take me to a hospital more than anything. And at the same time I feel like I don't have any right to put myself in the same classification as women who have been raped and remember and fought. I don't know if I put up a fight. I don't think I was even capable. I don't want to see my boyfriend later. I don't want to deal with anyone right now. I called in sick to work today and it's not going to look good. I just couldn't get myself out of bed.

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It was rape because you did not consent to sex with that man. You are doing the right thing.

 

If you were drugged with 'date-rape' drugs (ketamine, GHB, and Rohypnol), and blood/urine tests were taken looking for those, they will come up as a positive in the toxicology tests. "Tox" screens will come up positive for up to 96 hours after the initial ingestion.

 

Do you have the address of where this occurred?

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No...but apparently the little scraps I remember about the building are enough to narrow it down quite a bit. Couple of distinctive traits...parking garage under the building, red carpet in the halls. I wished so hard to have remembered more detail but I just wanted to leave and nothing was really registering with me other than getting back to the relative safety of my car.

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Ta Ree...that's my struggle. I'm hoping either the tox screen shows something or we can find a witness or something from someone who can say they saw me and that I was obviously not in a state to consent (I have a skinned elbow which indicated I must have fallen at some point). Even so, is it right that a man should be allowed to have sex with a woman who is nearly passed out?

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Marie I am so very sorry for what has happened to you and for what you are enduring right now.

 

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing for yourself and for other women that could become victims!

 

I am so thankful that it sounds like you have a good support system in your mother. I think it would be most helpful for you to also seek out a local group that specializes in helping women cope with the trauma and devastation rape victims go through.

 

Praying that this man is found and that you begin the healing process. Hugs...

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No...but apparently the little scraps I remember about the building are enough to narrow it down quite a bit. Couple of distinctive traits...parking garage under the building, red carpet in the halls. I wished so hard to have remembered more detail but I just wanted to leave and nothing was really registering with me other than getting back to the relative safety of my car.

 

How did you get to your car?

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Hey Marie,

 

I just want to tell you you are doing the right thing. I am so sorry for your situation. I was raped by a date-- but I was in another country. I couldn't report it, I was no citizen there and I had no idea where to go to. I wasn't registered at the address where I lived, and seeing that I consented to kissing, I don't know how I could ever prove that sex was not consentual.

 

I know how it feels. The fear, the numbness, emptiness, pain. We are here whenever you want to talk.

 

Isle

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You were raped.

 

Everything you are describing sounds like you were drugged. Amnesia is a side-effect of date rape drugs like ketamine.

 

You should tell your boyfriend. Be prepared for alot of emotional upheaval on your part. Your boyfriend will probably also feel angry and guilty that he wasn't watching out for you, and didn't call the police.

 

Continue to press charges. The police know what they are doing.

 

Now, start your recovery: Surround yourself with people who will support you. Write down how you feel about what happened to you. Write the whole story, from beginning to end.

 

I cannot stress enough the importance of getting support from friends and family; this will make or break your psychological recovery. Do not associate with anyone who makes you feel badly about what happened. You know the truth. You do not have to justify that to anyone. It is absolutely critical that you feel supported and believed. The only people who know the truth are you and the rapist. The least that caring people around you can do is respect the trauma you've been through, and attend to that first.

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I am SO sorry for what happened. You are also VERY strong. Reporting this takes a lot of courage. Every day I wish I would've reported it when it happened to me at 14. I think, what other girls are they (there were 2 men) doing this to?

Just keep in mind, when they catch him...how many girls you will indirectly be saving.

The only thing that helped me was finally coming clean to people what had happened (I went 2 years before telling anyone).. And LOTS of therapy.

This is something to think about, and may help you, but it may not: my psychologist recommended I try hypno-therapy. She said that subconsciously, you may remember most of the details of what happened but it may be a bit scary. I never tried it because I didn't think it would do me any good (since it was too late to report it or do anything about it)..

Again... I am truly sorry.

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Update:

 

Met with the detective on my case, said my rape kit came back with conclusive evidence that there was forced sex (vaginal injuries worse than what could be inflicted during consensual but "rough" sex), and that my tox screen showed traces of GHB. If we find the bastard, it's going to trial.

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Wow so sorry this happened...have you told your bf yet ? He should know...it's not like you can hide it from him either...if he's not a jerk I'm sure he'll be very understanding.

 

Also, congratulations on reporting it to the police not many have the strength to until it's too late...and by his method of drugging you seems he's a serial rapist, you saved alot of girls of going through it...he's operating on the presumption noone will report him, well now most likely he'll get a taste of his own medicine in jail

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More frustration....

 

I tried to call sprint this morning to see if they could give me a cell tower location for where I made the call from, and they are claiming I was in Maryland, when this man told me I was in Arlington. Not a huge shocker that he'd lie, but if this is true I have to start all over with a different police department once confirmed. No wonder so few rapes are reported.

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How about bringing your bf and other male friends with you to that club where it happened...and other clubs as well...odds are he lounges around them looking for victims...and when you find him call the police and restrain him.

 

Yeah i strongly agree with that, thats only if you are up to that tho?

 

I am so sorry something like this had to happen to you, i know how it feels. Once this jerk is found tho you might start to feel better.

 

And does your boyfriend know yet? if he doesnt you should really tell him he will be mad at you if you dont, tell him the truth and everything you remember and he will be surportive and a shoulder to cry on

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I really don't think it's a good idea to involve the boyfriend in a search for this guy. What if he's armed? What if the boyfriend gets really angry? There's no way to predict what could happen in that situation, which is why the police are the right people to handle it.

 

Alot of women don't report, and that's their personal decision; it's important to do what is right for you. However, reporting the rape is better in terms of your recovery, even though I know it's very frustrating, and most women who don't report regret it later. You sound like you're doing really well in following up on things.

 

You should be aware as well before you tell your boyfriend that how you tell him will have a profound effect on him. Husbands and boyfriends of rape survivors may feel helpless when confronted with the fact of the other’s suffering. They may be victimized as well by their inability to effectively intervene, either to have prevented the rape, alleviate the present suffering, or to punish the perpetrator. They may thereforeeee experience feelings of failure, inadequacy, and blame, both of themselves and sometimes of victim. Partners of survivors always want to report the rape to the police, barring cultural differences.

 

Friends & family should be encouraged to remember that their love is the one invaluable support that is all that is required of them. They should not feel that they have to listen to anything that makes them uncomfortable, guilty, or angry. Holding the victim through the pain does not mean that they themselves have to be wounded by it. Involving her boyfriend in a search for the rapist would be harmful to them both, and dangerous as well.

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Marie - I am relieved to hear the tox screen was positive for drugs. And I mean that in the way that it means you can go after this creep, and hard!

 

I'm really glad you found out and have the evidence.

 

You're absolutely right that this is why so few rapes are reported.

GOOD FOR YOU FOR STICKING WITH IT.

 

Please lean on us as you go thru this but don't stop persuing his punishment.

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