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Your thoughts on the dumper breaking NC...


shikashika
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Since I've joined enotalone, I'm glad to have had such warm, honest comments towards my posts.

 

I think the general consensus of being dumped is to go into NC right away.

 

 

In a situation where the dumpee says "please do not contact me or talk to me".... or "no we cannot be friends" we urge the dumpee to stay strong and resist all contact. BUT... I've seen many posts where the dumpee asks, "my ex tried to contact me"... and the advice given is "well they aren't respecting your decision"

 

In a way we are told to wait for the dumper to contact us... but then if/when they do, we are supposed to continue to ignore them??

 

do we let too much of our pride get in the way... or not?

 

what do you think?

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I think you are mistaking what "NC" (or whatever you prefer to call it) is all about. There was a choice, either mutually or unilaterally, that was made to end the relationship. Not "stay together and figure things out", not "stay together but take a break", but to end the relationship. And with all the other possible options, the fact that this one was chosen and the conviction deep in one's heart to do such, speaks louder than future word or action.

 

When you no longer perceive there being a "no contact" situation, when you no longer care "who dumped who", when you have gone through the grief and accepted the situation, that is the right time to communicate should you choose to do so.

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In order to heal you need space to regroup and start inching your way toward a future. If you allow a dialog with the ex, you're distracted from healing since any dialog is emotionally charged. Even an innocuous chat can send you reeling and wondering about hidden meanings.

 

I prefer the term letting go simply because it describes the feeling of ending contact. The purpose isn't to draw out the dumper at all, but to stay away from their influence.

 

In my case I stayed friends with the ex, but we both needed some space to breathe scream and sob.

 

Edit: Frisco's line about when to end NC is spot-on.

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It's not about pride, but rather healing (referring to NC). If the person who dumped you calls you or makes contact then you need to make a decision whether or not you can handle the worst possible situation (i.e. them telling you that they've got a new boyfriend, just had sex with your best friend, or other horrible news). Until you can genuinly handle that kind of conversation and walk away unscathed, then contact should not take place with your ex.

 

If your ex contacts you, it doesn't necessarily mean they're disrespecting your wishes. Part of them finds comfort in knowing they can talk to you and have you as some kind of an option - human nature tells us that when our options become limited or fewer, it causes emotional discomfort. So, in that sense the person who broke up with you may subconsciously want the comfort of knowing you are still an option.

 

Healing up and working on the self is KEY to surviving a breakup and coming out a better person. Without this growth, without examining yourself and improving upon yourself, without realizing your role in a relationship and how it affected your breakup then all that pain costed you lots. However, having examined yourself, improving yourself, learning about your role in a relationship and all the work it requires, how people work, then a breakup can possibly be the best thing that ever happens to you.

 

This might be difficult to understand right now if you're still emotional about your ex, but look back at this post later down the road and you might be able to better relate.

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I understand that NC is for healing ourselves.

 

if there was chance of reconcilliationg, you would hope it would be with someone who would respect your wishes. if they respect your wishes of "please do not contact me'... then they are never going to call you.... even if they want to.

 

*If* I broke up with someone, and he said "please stay away from me and don't contact me, shikashika"... i would respect that... even if i wanted to talk to him, have him back i wouldn't do it

 

This is why i posted it in the getting back together forum!

 

i'm not thinking of getting back together but if both are too stubborn or polite to contact each other... there will NEVER be any further contact

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I've found many, many times in break ups, there are a lot of "nevers" and "always" used. Break ups are emotional and a lot of times these emotions and our desires manifest themselves in unsubstantiable ways in terms of "always" and "never".

 

For example, years ago I went through this awful break up with a woman I thought would be my wife. We really went through the wringer, I made mistakes, she made mistakes, and she jerked me around a lot too. I would "always love her", "always be there for her", but I "never wanted to hear from her again", and many other things I've long since forgotten.

 

Now, years later, we are true friends and laugh at each other, give each other relationship advice, cry to each other, crack jokes on each other, etc. I don't even remember who contacted who and when...all I know is now we are swimming together in the water that flows under the bridge and it feels good. Absolutely no weirdness or residual feelings, good, bad, or ugly, at all.

 

Other times in similar situations, I have never heard from her again nor do I wish to. It just depends. Time and the associated clarity and maturity it brings are the only things that can answer your questions about things like this.

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I think it is important to judge whether to respond based on why the dumper is calling. And that is not easy sometimes. But there is a chance that the dumper wants to get back together and doesn't know how to bring it up. So if the dumpee wants to get back together the door may have to be opened - but just a little. So, if the contact message is ambiguous in any way, it may be a good idea to respond and ask what the dumper wants. If the reply is not saying that s/he wants to get back together then is the time to make it clear that they should not contact you unless they do.

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What if the dumper WANTS to call you, but won't because you've told him / her "don't contact me"?

 

When i ran into my ex and said 'hi"... he said " i thought you didn't want to talk to me...this is too confusing... I' want to talk to you but you told menot to, so i won't'

 

i have kept no contact with him since then

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So contact was already "broken" then with your meeting.

 

So what do you want? Do you want to talk to him? What do you want from this talk?

 

well I want him to talk to me...but i guess i think HE should be the one to initiate it even though i told him i would not be friends with him and told him adios!

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well I want him to talk to me...but i guess i think HE should be the one to initiate it even though i told him i would not be friends with him and told him adios!

 

Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense!

 

Just by the virtue of how you are looking at this, I say stay away from this guy and re-evaluate where you think playing games like this will ultimately get you...

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Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense!

 

Just by the virtue of how you are looking at this, I say stay away from this guy and re-evaluate where you think playing games like this will ultimately get you...

 

because frisco, like everyone who has been dumped... I hate the fact that we haven't really spoken since the breakup

 

i dont' want to play games, i was left out in the cold one day and yeah it hurts and i don't like it. i just want to know what he honestly thinks, how am i going to do that if its ME who;s contacting HIM???? and maybe i'm not getting that because i told him 'please don't contact me'

 

and like everyone told me, I've been a good little e-notaloner and resisted all urge to contact him (except for that once)

 

I do know him as he was my boyfriend... and i know that he would respect my wishes and not contact me if i told him not too..... and i want to know, mabe he DOES want to contact me, but isn't because i said "please don't!"

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In a way we are told to wait for the dumper to contact us... but then if/when they do, we are supposed to continue to ignore them??

If you are waiting for your ex to contact you that defeats the true purpose of NC, which is to utilize the physical distance set by the NC parameters to effectively enhance emotional distance.

 

No contact is a means to an end, that end being "emotional distance" from the relationship and ex. If you are waiting for him to come back, you are using NC for what I believe to be the wrong reasons.

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If you are waiting for your ex to contact you that defeats the true purpose of NC, which is to utilize the physical distance set by the NC parameters to effectively enhance emotional distance.

 

No contact is a means to an end, that end being "emotional distance" from the relationship and ex. If you are waiting for him to come back, you are using NC for what I believe to be the wrong reasons.

 

do you think you should never want your ex to contact you... if you do... how would you like this to happen?

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Hey shikashika, if you don't mind, let me ask you a question, ultimately do you want to get over your ex or not?

 

yeah... of course.....i guess i want some closure too and i never got that... i know i know......... i will never get it...but we haven't had a real conversation since it ended.... and that iddy biddy part of me wants to know if he really does want to contact me but just isn't because i've made it clear for him not too.

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yeah... of course.....i guess i want some closure too and i never got that... i know i know......... i will never get it...but we haven't had a real conversation since it ended.... and that iddy biddy part of me wants to know if he really does want to contact me but just isn't because i've made it clear for him not too.

I say stop focusing your time, energy and attention on this guy. He dumped you, so who needs him right? You can't expect someone else to bring or give you closure other than yourself. The way I see it is that there is only one solution to this problem, that solution being that you GET OVER HIM!!!! Once you do get over him, all of this worry will cease to exist, whether or not he chooses to contact you will be of marginal importance.

 

Right now you are giving this guy WAY TO MUCH, he dumps you, disregards your feelings and now you are the one obsessing over him??? He's not WORTH it. Use NC to heal, heal, heal, so you can happilly and whole-heartedly move on and say, next?

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OKay, well you seem to be contradicting yourself here. The advice from Chai, Friscodj and Dn are pretty straightforward, and I completely agree with.

 

You seem to be stuck on the concept of who should call who first. If you told him not to call you and he is respecting your wishes, then good for him. He is doing exactly what you have asked. You ran into him and he told you that he wanted to talk. thereforeeee I see the ball being in your court as to when you would want to call him.

 

Generally the Dumper is commited to their decision. So its up to you to decide whether your ready to continue your life with/without them in it. Its wasn't your decision for him to leave. So with keeping that in mind, its really up to you whether you want to contact him.

 

I personally am dealing with someone who doesn't want to leave me alone. Even with everything that has happened, and she is with someone else, she continues to feel that we should be friends. I am not ready and she knows this, so everytime she injects herself into my life it irritates me and I consider it rude. So with this examples, at least he is doing what has been requested.

 

When your ready contact him. OR the fates with just have you two continue to run into one another until it becomes rediculous. And yes, I do feel pride can be a factor of not talking. Thats why I'm not.

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hey shiska - i wouldn't spend a lot of time overanalyzing it. as we have seen, people tend to do stuff, even when a person has made a specific request against that behavior. All the time it happens - when someone says, "please don't contact me again," people do it anyways. Or vice versa - "please call me" gets no phone calls.

 

he's going to do whatever he's going to do.

 

my view - if he wants you back badly enough, he'll disregard your request and try to contact you again.

 

so no need to worry

 

like the others said, don't contact him until you are ready to hear anything he may say, including that he is going to get married next week.

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In a way we are told to wait for the dumper to contact us... but then if/when they do, we are supposed to continue to ignore them??

 

Majord23's post on "The Perfect Plan" helped me a lot and I took his advice. The last breakup I had (he broke up with me), I told him, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together." I kind of got a sense of closure from saying this because it gave me piece of mind. I knew that phone call = he wants to get back together, no phone call = he doesn't want to get back together, and that made the issue pretty black and white, not all the shades of grey where things can slip into....

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Majord23's post on "The Perfect Plan" helped me a lot and I took his advice. The last breakup I had (he broke up with me), I told him, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together." I kind of got a sense of closure from saying this because it gave me piece of mind. I knew that phone call = he wants to get back together, no phone call = he doesn't want to get back together, and that made the issue pretty black and white, not all the shades of grey where things can slip into....

 

in hindsight that would have been the perfect thing to say.

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, "Don't contact me unless you want to get back together."

Holy hell that's quite pathetic don't you think?!?!?!? This sets a very low precedent for him to keep in regards to how he's allowed to treat you. By saying this you are basically telling him that it is okay for him to dump you, look for someone else and come back to you if he comes up empty-handed? I don't know, someone please explain this line of thinking cause I most certainly don't understand it.

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my full quote was, "Never contact me again unless you want to get back together. But by the time you come back, I'll probably be gone. In any case, I'm going to start moving on right now, this very minute."

Ahh, much better thanks for the clarification. Oh and tomorrow night's Wednesday, Yippeeeee!!!!!! Sawyer is a hottie!!!

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