Jump to content

Got closure...and it hurts.


laboheme
 Share

Recommended Posts

A certain something triggered it yesterday...and I called him to let him know that I'd like to talk to him today. We met up and talked for almost two hours...during which it was established that over the last three months my chances have been getting worse and worse (because he felt like he couldn't talk to me about anything but our relationship), and that right now there are no chances whatsoever. He has no feelings for me, and lately he hasn't been thinking about the good times that we used to have.

 

I told him I need to do NC. He agreed that it's probably the best course of action -- however, he thought it didn't need to be as extreme as ignoring each other in class (we'll see how I handle that one). As far as the games that we were going to go to, he picked three that were over a month away, and told me that I didn't have to go with him if I feel that I can't handle it.

 

Then, admittedly, a very embarrassing teary-eyed farewell. I wished him all the best in life, told him that I hope he finds happiness...all that. I even went as far as a few farewell hugs and kisses, which he didn't reciprocate. I told him I loved him...and he said that I need to work on that. When I said I can't believe I have to give up on him, he responded that I should think of it as moving on instead and that I'll find somebody better. According to him, I should try to forget the idea of a second chance. And after my final melodramatic "goodbye...forever," his "yes, in a way."

 

I can't believe that he is gone from my life forever. I've been ruining my chances over the last three months...and now it's over for good. I don't know how NC is going to hold up due to class and all...but now I know for sure that I have no chance. On to destroying the photographs, letters and gifts, I suppose...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So sorry this has happened. And it will be tough for you - no question.

 

However, at least he was good enough not to hold out false hope of the relationship resuming. It is important that you take him at his word and don't think he may change his mind.

 

Don't be embarrassed about the teary farewell. Under the circumstances you did great!.

 

Good luck - I hope you find happiness very soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is your Independence Day laboheme. Be thankful he is not trying to manipulate or confuse you with notions of staying "friends" when your feelings don't match or asking for "time and space" leaving you in limbo. This thing is cut clean and that is what you want. Now keep it that way, keep your classroom contact as brief as possible, and make taking the distance you need to grieve in your own way priority #1.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you, gentlement...I do appreciate that he was honest and supportive of my decision to do NC. Yes, this may be my Independence Day, but unfortunately, it's not an insensitive jerk that I'm getting rid of...it's a wonderful guy that I'm losing forever...

 

I hear you, and those are the toughest situations. I definitely feel for you...

 

You almost want a sound reason or reasons to belittle them, to hate them, to define them by their mistakes or shortcomings, it makes things easier that way, even if such things are created during the anger phase of grief spawned through misunderstanding. I've had enough rocks, sticks, kitchen sinks and other large, heavy objects thrown at me over the years in this regard...

 

What you should focus on is why the relationship was not right. The fact is, you can take two wonderful people, put them together romantically, and get something that just doesn't work. Look at your situation like this, focus on where the fit between these two wonderful people just wasn't right.

 

In your case, don't blame yourself, don't blame the other person, blame the misaligned fit you guys had together bred from your differences in values, perspective, place and direction in life, etc. It is human nature to seek to place blame on other people for our pain, just shift that blame to the abstract entity of the relationship while at the same time introspecting, reflecting upon, and learning from this so you can tune this fit better in the future with someone with whom you have better synergy, are at more similar places in life, are moving in more similar directions, etc.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Perhaps the first step you need to do is to forgive him, no matter what happened? That's how you truly find peace within yourself, and it makes your heart feel a bit lighter.

 

Realize that it's for the best, and at least you know now rather than later right? Good thing things didn't end as dramatic (i.e. you get cheated on, catch a crazy lookin STD, and you find out that you're pregnant. j/k. But you get the point..)

 

Hang in there. All the best of luck in healing to you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, still crying my eyes out and it's so embarrassing...It's like reliving the initial breakup all over again. Yes, I've read many other posts...I know it's normal to feel like I'll never find a guy as good as him (or better, like he himself said), even though someday I'll probably be happy with a loving husband...And I don't even have a comforting shoulder to cry on, he was the only one to whom I could show my weak side...So I'm left here, ranting on this board...

 

Yes, he's forgiven...He didn't do anything wrong, he just fell out of love with me and told me like it is. I was the idiot who hoped for the last three months that his feelings would change. I was the idiot who wasted all the chances he gave me towards the end of the relationship, never realizing what I was doing wrong until it was too late (he told me today that he was going to break up with me on several occasions, but always gave me another chance, although I didn't know it). Yes, I'm blaming myself...but everything was largely my fault. True, he should have told me right away when my behavior problems started -- and that's what I told him today, so that he knows in his future relationships to discuss those things with his girlfriends. He didn't tell me because he never liked to criticize me...

 

I'm really sad that he doesn't have any happy memories of us left...And I really should stop wondering if he'll ever think of me again, if I left a lasting enough impression on him as his first love. This sounds so selfish, but if I'm stuck with memories of us for the rest of my life, I don't want him to forget either...But he was so stoic the whole time, it was painful to see...You're about to break all contact with the girl you loved for almost two years, and there's no emotion on your part? That just hurts...

 

I asked him if after a few months of NC (LC due to class) he'd be willing to get together just to chat and catch up. He said that it would probably be "a few more than a few months, you won't be ready any earlier than that." On one hand, it's nice to know that he cares about me moving on and mending my shattered heart, but it's so painful to know that he doesn't Care Enough. He told me plainly that he doesn't want me to be hurt...but that there are no other feelings, that I ought not to think about second chances, and that I should do what I need to do to stop loving him, even if that entails constructing a highly negative and despicable image of him.

 

That should be enough, right? A clear cut answer, just like the one I've been trying to get out of him for a long time. After three months of hurt, I should be well on my way to forgetting him...but I just can't. He's absolutely right in that a few months won't be enough for me to move on. Even now I can't stop reading into things...like the fact that he skipped class in order to talk with me for two hours (entirely his idea, I would never expect him to skip for my sake), that he didn't try to make a quick exit, that he still wants to go to three games with me IF I feel comfortable doing it...But I know that he's just trying to be nice and that I shouldn't make any more of it than what it actually is. Somebody stop me from doing this...Why can't I just take his words at face value????????

 

He's gone, out of my life forever...Outside of class, we'll have no interaction, and after this semester is over, I'll probably never see his smiling eyes again...Why can't I accept that???

 

Thank goodness that I can rant on this board...thanks, guys.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel so much for you, I wanted to let you know that I feel exactly the same. I've just gone through a break up which I am blaming entirely on myself - if only I had done this, if only I hadn't done that. Yesterday, I was feeling positive and in these moments I can look at the situation from a different perspective. However, when i'm feeling low - such as today - I feel like I have just lost the most wonderful person in the world and my future is clouded. He was such a nice, fun person and all my friends love(d) him. I worry that I will not get through this, and that i'm going to want him forever. How will I cope?

 

I am trying desperately to remain positive and am trying to remind myself that things will get better. I have gone through a three previous breakups in my life and handled them all differently. Some how they don't seem as bad as this one, but I bet they were. This boyfriend - a mutual breakup - is killing me. I almost wish i'd caught him cheating to give me something to focus on. He tells me he still loves me which doesn't help, but that we can't be together because we argue too much. He seems to have accepted it and is being strong, refusing point blank any notion of getting back together. I am a complete wreck. I want him to move back home to Belfast and away from my town so I can just get on with things. This would be easier. Obviously, I can't ask or expect him to do this.

 

Why oh why do we get ourselves into these situations? I suppose we wouldn't be human if we didn't. One thing is for sure, I am going to learn from this and am never going to allow myself to fall in love with someone who doesn't tick all the boxes again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

laboheme,

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

In my case, I'm a guy who was with a girl nearing the end of her studies at university. I too am coming to terms with the reason for the break-up being nothing more complicated than "We've lost the spark / I don't feel the loving feeling in the same way that I once did".

 

The strength of your feelings for him comes through in the way you wrote. From this and other threads, I know you'll get a lot of good learnings about allowing yourself to recover .... but I'd just like to acknowledge where you are now, the deep sense of loss you feel. At this stage don't be harsh on yourself, as I frequently do. It isn't wrong to love someone as deeply as you clearly did.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am going throught the exact same thing. I read your post and literally thought it was something I wrote. I have been seeking counseling to help myself cope. I am also doing the No contact thing. I was told that you need to work on yourself, this is actually the best kind of revenge you can get. Make yourself distracted, try to do things that will make your happy and take care of yourself. If what I have been told is true, then this is the best thing you can do and will make the person look at you in a different light 1) Why arent they grieving over me? 2) Look at how strong they are! Like you, I have been spending a lot of time crying, but I also realize is it worth it to want to be with a person that doesnt want to be with you? Maybe this man will realize what he lost and maybe he wont but in the end you will be a stronger person because of this. I know it is not easy to take advice since I too am hurting, but we deserve the best and whats meant to be will be!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*hugs to all you guys* Those of you who're experiencing a similar thing, let's get through it and be happy in the end...

 

Keeing myself distracted is about the only thing I can do...I put away all the pictures, letters and gifts...so that I can toss them when I come accross the box in a few years. There was a really expensive gift that I wanted to return to him, but he wouldn't have any of that, he wants me to wear it...how can I though if it's always going to remind me of him?

 

It's really sad how my parents are not being supportive at all...My mom yelled at me and said that she's embarrassed about having a daughter who's crying over a guy...And my dad said that I'll never meet anybody else if I don't go out to clubs and bars starting right now, and that both me and my ex were seriously messed up because we never had sex...Clearly the home front is no help.

 

The final goodbyes were yesterday, and I'll see him in class tomorrow. I'm terrified, and whatever I do will end up being wrong somehow. Whether I ignore him altogether, whether I say hi briefly, or whether he ends up sitting next to me...nothing will feel right.

 

I worry that I will not get through this, and that i'm going to want him forever. How will I cope? ..... I am trying desperately to remain positive and am trying to remind myself that things will get better...... One thing is for sure, I am going to learn from this and am never going to allow myself to fall in love with someone who doesn't tick all the boxes again.

Exactly how I feel...I'm worried that even if I do NC for an indefinite amount of time and eventually find someone else, if our paths somehow cross again years down the road, I'll drop everything and come running to him with a glimmer of hope, only to get the same response. Hang in there, it's definitely a learning experience for all of us...

 

It isn't wrong to love someone as deeply as you clearly did.

Gosh, I sure hope not...but maybe it was wrong of me to fall for him this hard when we're still in college...it was ridiculous of me to think that our first love would last as long as I wanted it to...

I am also doing the No contact thing. I was told that you need to work on yourself, this is actually the best kind of revenge you can get. Make yourself distracted, try to do things that will make your happy and take care of yourself. If what I have been told is true, then this is the best thing you can do and will make the person look at you in a different light.

Yes, that definitely is the right thing to do. The only thing to do, in fact. If we let ourselves dwell on our breakups, we'll be miserable for even longer...We should focus on making ourselves happy, since we can't rely on anyone else to do that. But I'm afraid that nothing I do now can change things, the initial breakup was in July and I blew any chances I had since then. Based on the conversation yesterday, he's never going to see me differently...and based on my decision, after our class is over, he may never see me again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Im another one who totaly understands what is going on here......i have tried hypnotherapy..self help books,but today i just cried all day, i even took a sleeping tablet to knock my self out for a few hrs so i didnt go through it all in my head again and again, checkin my e-mails, looking at my mob to see if the if he has rang only to have a sinking feeling when i realise HE WONT RING!!! HE DOSE NOT CARE AT ALL ABOUT ME!!!, my eyes are puffy, my heart has broken...all my positive thoughts have gone....SOZ.Im not being much help am i ????? Its gonna take time....all i know is every one goes through this at some stage....i just hope my new love when i find him is the one for ever cause i dont wanna feel like this EVER again..its worst than tooth-ache and ear-ache put together!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I go to a holistic counselor to help move on from the pain. There is this group of remedy's by Bach that you can get in Mrs Greens (natural health food store) that helps alleviate some of the stress. I am trying a few one of them helps you to move on from injustices, one helps you to make decisions, one helps you seek a positive attitude. I didnt believe these would work at first but somehow they do take the edge off things. They are oils from flowers and all you have to do is put 2 drops in a glass of water and sip it. I would recomend this to anyone having a hard time!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sounhappy - I hear you about the phone thing! It's been so hard not to check if there are any messages...I've been keeping mine as far away from me as possible, in a different room, so that I don't have to constantly look at it. And I set certain times to check my email so that I'm not constantly refreshing the page to see if there's any word from him.

2lil2hurt -- herbal remedies, that's interested. I never tried anything of the kind, but I may look into that. I've been going through bottles and bottles of eucalyptus lotion because the scent relaxes me, haha...

 

Update So...I got to class just before it started to avoid any awkward conversation...our usual seats were taken, I just sat wherever I could...And I admit that I looked around for him (bad me), but couldn't pick him out of the 100 people. I thought that maybe he came in late and I didn't notice, but at the end of class, when the professor was handing back our midterms, nobody responded when his name was called...My first thought is that he didn't show up because seeing each other after our interaction on Tuesday could potentially be very awkward...

 

I get home after my classes, I check my email like usual, and there's a very short one from him. "I have to go get blood work done. Don't think I'm being an ***hole."

 

O~okay??? He knows I'm trying to do NC for the most part and only interact with him in class...and he knows that I would never think of him as an ***hole (in fact, it would be easier if he was one!) Being distant and not showing up in order to anger another person is MY forte, not his, so I wouldn't think he was trying to be mean, I just thought he was trying to minimize contact like planned. And now I'm worried sick about why he has to get blood work done...Is that why he sent it, to make me worry? *tear*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Arrrrgh. With the exception of the email, no contact since we talked on Tuesday...I'm kind of used to it by now, not talking for the duration of the whole weekend, not until we have class again. Though in the past there would usually be a phone call or at least a facebook poke...I don't think I'll feel like it's really all over until I make it through next week with only minimal contact in class.

 

My current problem, however...He said that he wasn't interested in anyone, but I know almost all his coworkers and there's this one girl that just bugs me. I'm not gonna pretend that I'm ready to accept his dating new people, but I could NEVER accept a guy like him dating a girl like her. If they start dating later on, I don't know what I'm gonna do. If he wants to date someone, he should go for his brother's friends' sisters...maybe a couple of other coworkers...maybe some girl in his classes...But not this one. Argh.

 

I doubt that anything will happen, after all, one of his good friends is interested in her, he's her supervisor, and when I saw them working the same shift a while ago (pre-NC era), they were definitely having fun (with some other people), but he was acting like he does with his guy friends and like he used to with one of my best friends (also a coworker) with whom nothing romantic could have happened even if Cupid used up his entire arsenal...not flirty.

 

I don't know why I'm letting this bug me so much. He has quite a few female coworkers that he thinks are cool/fun to work with, but none of them bother me as much as this girl!!! And I don't even have any reason to suspect her! I mean, there's this one other girl who has interests very similar to his, or another who is a pathological flirt and has a tendency to go on hugging frenzies, shouldn't I hate them instead? But no, couldn't care less about those two. Why am I letting the thought of this girl get to meeeeeeee???????

 

And why am I thinking about his potential relationships anyway??? Not like that's helping me get over him...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

wow laboheme! i REALLY feel for you...

 

ive just come out of a relationship (3 months ago) that lasted 5 years... he was my fiance... we took a break where i went out shrot term with a diff guy and then when i saw my ex again it was like we NEVER broke up... it was FANTASTIC! (i wasnt with the other guy then...) but i told him what i had been up to and he was really upset but said he doesnt care... and a few weeks later he told me that he had a fling too... so i thought well forgive and forget... he's mine now! so who the hell cares!

 

but he broke up with me for NO REASON suddenly... we were planning his visit to see me where i live (long distance) and it was REALLY exciting... i bought a web came for hi m to send it and that night he breaks up with me, saying he doesnt love me anymore, that im a lying b****, and back stabber, and that he hates me... i wanted to DIE! esp bcs i DIDNT KNOW what he was talking about!!! im STILL confused... i want closure SO BAD!

 

i have a girl like uve mentioned too!! i honeslty hate her without even seeing her! i kn ow he hangs out with her in his uni, and she prob likes him too (good chances) and its KILLING ME bcs i dont want to let him go... i still want him back...

 

trust me the whol dating thing... even if u think ur ready for it... when u hear it it will create a little pang of hurt! just accept it!

 

just be selfish for once and think ONLY of urself... im still trying to do that myself... try not to think about him! think about getting something different done! while ur getting rid of what used to belong to both of you, try to create thigns that belong ONLY TO YOU... new ones... it helps...

 

as for the sex-thing, be glad you didnt have sex! my first time was with this guy and to this day thts the memory i KNOW i will hold forever and part of me wishes i NEVER had to! (he only told me about his fling after our first-time- which hurt me alot)

 

ur paretns are doing the best they can the best way they know... i know its NOT helping! but u have to give them credit for still hanging around... i just pretend that everyhitn is fine infron of them!

 

take time off for yourself! its SO IMPORTANT! i know that life moves on even after a break-up but if u feel this strongly about him, theres NOTHING wrong with u side stepping a little and getting things back ionto perspective! just make sure u wont neglect anything!

 

no matter what happens - YOU HAVE COMPLETE CONTROL OVER YOUR LIFE!! so just rediscover what u want to do! its easier said than done... i know bcs im going through it too! but i KNOW illg et through in my own pace as long as i have people i can talk to about it, and maybe not ever bein a relationship again! (tht last part wasnt good advice, its just MY view! )

 

good luck!! u WILL get through this! start new memories that do not concern him... and try to not have ANY contact if he;s made it clear tht theres no chances of rekindling...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm so srry to read your story. It made me almost cry; I could feel your pain. I've been dealin w/ something sor tof similar (but not as concrete adn severe). You were honest and that takes a lot of guts - of course you would cry (it would almost be weird if you didn't). His loss. I hope you feel better - time REALLY does help. I think it takes at least 3 weeks to even start to feel better/ human again. Good luck. Take careof yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...