What Do I Do Now !!

[kath123]

i have posted previously on the breaking up site, but feel this forum better suits my needs. My partner of 10+ years has left me and our nine year old twins, his reason for this he said was that he no longer loved me as he did!

This was a massive shock because although our relationship had become comfortable over the years we were still (or i thought) very happy still made each other laugh ,still best friends and still had a good intimate relationship.

However over the last few months I had noticed he was somtimes distant I always asked him if everything was okay and was always reassured that he was fine.

That was until three weeks ago when he seemed paticularly withdrawn,this time his reaction was that he no longer loved me! WOW, he arranged to stay in a flat about a mile from the family home It all happened so fast i didnt have time to think. After a few days i wrote him a letter, i told him how much i loved him and wanted us all to stay together as we have such a wonderful family life (i coulndt understand how he could even think about throwin that away), but i didnt put that in the letter i told him if he really didnt think we had a future then i would let him go, but it would break my heart.

He read the letter and cried, told me i had now messed his head up,that he had everything planned out and now he was muddled up, thats when i realised that there must be someone else involved. After a great deal of shouting he addmitted that he had met someone else only twice, and that he had been communicating to this person through msn messages and that it hadnt gone any further yet (YET) More heartbreak for me and total shock, Grief ,anger but most of all terrible sadness.

How did it end like this!

I have been very strong for my children who were as shocked by their fathers departure as i was, although they dont know about this other woman who incidentally is also married with children. I feel its too soon to add any more pain on them. They still see their dad regularly which is hard for me as i am also in regular contact with him (ie being dropped off and brought home etc)

This last few days my ex has seemed depressed he's not been to work because he cant be bothered (this came from my daughter) I havent spoken to him in any depth since he left because on the one occasion i tried he became very cold and said a lot of hurtful things to me, such as He's not mine anymore and im jealous and obsessed etcabout his new relationship, for me jealousy hasnt even come into it yet as im still in so much pain and shock that i havent even asked him anything about this person so how can i be called obsessed.

I want someone to tell me what is going on in his head, how can someone change so much so quickly.

We had a wonderful ten years the happiest of my life and he constantly told me how happy he was too and how much he loved me right up until the week he left.

Sometimes i wish that he'd come to his senses and realise what he's done to me and our kids that he would want to come home, but also i would want to be strong enough to tell him that i would never take him back as to go through pain this bad again would kill me, but i want to go back in time so bad i dont know if i would have the strength to turn him away.

I dont know what is happening with this other woman at the moment, and im wondering if he has had any second thoughts since he left but i dont want to talk to him about it ,as if the answers are not what i want to hear i will emotionally be back to the first day of our breakup and i dont want to go back there!! PLEASE HELP ME DO THE RIGHT THING!

[JoeWho]

I know exactly how you are feeling. My ex of 10 years did pretty much the same thing at the end of August. In April I could see her distancing herself and when i asked her what was wrong she would tell me nothing or she was stressed at work. On the day she moved out she finally admitted that there was someone else (after lying for months) and has not spoken to me since then except for a breif meeting 2 weeks later to exchange the rest of our stuff. I dont quite know how people can just end things like that and never look back. I have struggled with that quite a bit. There are just some things that we will never understand I guess. I too have told many friends that i wish i could just go back in time and be with her then, but obviously that is impossible. It is tough to accept that you can never go back to how it was. After someone cheats and makes a decision to abandon you it is extrememly difficult to ever take them back. You will see that with a little time, but i know right now you just want him back.

 

Best advice i can give you is to just be as strong as you can for you and your kids. It does get better, little by little. Try not to think about him with that other girl and stay busy. After a few weeks pass you will see very clearly how he has treated you and you will find strength in the fact that you deserve so much more than he was offering you towards the end. I know it sucks but i also know you will make it through this.

[melrich]

This is only my guess about what is going on in his head.

 

After 10 years and at his age he is starting to think the excitement has passed him by, that if he doesn't do something different now he never will. This thought has been brewing for a couple of years.

 

A catalyst for action was introduced (his crossing paths with tis other woman). He saw this as his chance to get back some excitement and feel those flutters of youth again. But he's very conflicted and scared. He's scared of leaving and losing the security of his family, he's conflited between the deep emotional ties he has with his family and the excitement that a new woman makes him feel.

 

Now that he has taken the first steps he is realising that it is harder than he thought. He is now starting to look to alleviate his guilt by getting angry at you. In a sense he wants both things, his family and some excitement and freedom from responsibilities in his life. He doesn't know how to have both and this is causing him more tension, he cannot decide and he doesn't like being indecisive.

 

Which way he will go I have no idea. My guess is that he will at some point make attempts to reconcile with you. Then it will be up to you to decide what it is that you want. I hope things work out for you.

[kath123]

thanks to joe and melrich,

its just comforting to have someone reply and give any advice they have for me, i felt so much stronger at the beginning of this than i do now. At the start i was more angry but now i feel weaker and weaker every day as time is going on and i realise that he just does not feel what i do, he cant be looking back at our relationship the good and bad times that we have gone through together.He is only looking to his future and thats what hurts the most, why didnt he let me know sooner that he wasnt happy , then maybe we could have done something to try to put it right, i feel as if ive been cheated of even trying to save our future together.