desperate for us all to be happy

[anthony UK]

Hi, Im going to try and sum up my situation in short time. I am 39, legally married with 2 children although I havent lived in the marrital home properley for 4 years. I met the lady I live with now 4 years ago and I love her dearly. All this lady has ever wanted in all that time is for me to commit to her fully, ie get a divorce and marry her. I have not let her into my life fully in all that time, ie she has never met any of my friends, family or indeed kids. This lead her to believe that I would always return to my "wife". Whilst I have been back for short periods of time a (few months), I have always returned to my current partner because of the love I have for her. This has now all come to a head in that the last time I moved back to the marital home, around Feb 06, she decided enough was enough and went out and met another guy. Then in Jun 06, I turned up on her doorstep with my stuff and asked if I could stay. She said yes in the spare room but didnot tell me anything about this other guy. We started sleeping together again after about 2 months. Then last week she told me that she had been seeing someone because she thought I didn't want her and she didn't want to be left alone again. Whilst I now understand this, the pain I feel is crushing me. We have talked and talked and I have been given a last chance to sort things ie divorce and commit to her or get out for good. Before anyone asks, I now accept that my "wife" is not in love with me anymore and that we all need to move on, although its taken this wake me up.

 

My questions are these:

Why do I feel so betrayed and devastated even though I accept that I am to blame for the most part.

Why wont she answer all the questions I have concerning this other guy, she just says "I cant keep doing this".

How can I just "let it go" and move forward with our relationship.

I want her to tell me that she loves me dearly and wants me 100%, whilst she says that she loves me and always has, I dont know that I believe it 100%.

 

Its a complex situation but one Im sure you have seen before, I have been very selfish and now feel the pain she has felt for 3 years, its what I deserve I know. But believe me when I say, I know I got what I deserve in the end. So can anyone offer some sound advise on how I can move things forward without the crushing pain I feel. END.

[Momene]

Really you didn't do yourself any favours by returning "home". I'm really sorry to say that to the woman you really love, you appear as a "yo-yo" partner. She will have no security or confidence in your intentions or ability to stay with her. Due to your (apparent or real) lack of commitment to her, she's moved on. Hard as it may seem, may I suggest you leave both women and either be alone or find a 3rd one. Partners are replaceable.

[rikka]

Yeah, I can't say as I honestly blame the woman you love. You were very Yo-yo with her - and that wasn't fair to her. I totally agree with Momene's post... leave this woman alone. Let her get on with her life. Now you have to move on. Yes it sucks, and it is going to be hard, but you did this to yourself (and on some level you recognize that).

[anthony UK]

I thanks you both for your comments. What I perhaps didn't tell you is that I love her very much and it has taken this to realise just how much. Im determined to make it work as I know we can be very happy.

 

Yes I recognise its been my doing and I know I had pushed her to far, but shes ended it with this other guy and she says that it was a transfer of feelings from me to him, do you understand what she means by that ?

She loves me as I do her so why dont you think it will work ?

[Juliana]

Sorry. I'm going to cut right to the chase. Please understand I am doing this to communicate clearly. May I answer the points you raise in your first post?

 

1. Because, as you say, you are selfish (many people are selfish; this is not a condemnation of you; merely something to be aware of).

2. Because your questions are insensitive (she has a right to her privacy, and you had no right to expect her to be faithful when you were not).

3. Recognize that you are being selfish, and that your partner was forced to act as she did by your lack of consideration for her future and welfare.

4. It is not her responsibility to convince you of her love. When we love, we want to give to the other person, not demand of them. You should be grateful that she loves you, and recognize that it is not in your character to feel that anyone has done enough for you.

 

Your problem is you; you are so selfish, no one's love is enough. You will feel the love you want to feel when you learn to give that kind of love. You haven't learned that yet. You could attempt to learn how to really love with this woman. I would actually suggest that you get some therapy; I rarely say this, but I think you have enough insight into yourself to benefit enormously from it, and it would probably prevent you from harming yourself or anyone else further.

 

Sorry to have been blunt.