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I think my home life is interfering with relationship


xmrth
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I can't move out, I have to wait until college is over in a year. My boyfriend and I will get a house together, and I'm saving now, planning with my career, seeing how much I can make, going around making connections, trying to get somewhere as soon as I possibly can from college.

 

I can't call up my friends and cry and scream like I can with my boyfriend. I could never be that comfortable-- it's just the way it is. When he's at work, and I'm home getting ready for class (will be a Senior in college) or am getting ready for work in the early morning and he's already at work, things will happen around here, my family gangs up on me, it's terrible. I call him, I bother him, he listens and is patient, will sit there and listen to me cry my eyes out and yell for him to get me out of here.

 

I get so afraid he'll think this is permanent. I can't just not call him because it gets so bad sometimes, I need someone to talk to, I need HIM to talk to, and I want to know what I can do. I go to my college's councilor and wonder if maybe I'm not telling her the right things because I don't feel like I know what else to do. She tells me to write it all down, but in the midst of it all, I'd rather either get into my car and drive it into a wall, shoot myself in the head, or call him and cry and scream to get me out.

 

He calls or comes over, I'm in a terrible mood, I'm unhappy, I am miserable, he makes me happy, and I don't take it out on him, but it takes time for me to be in a happy mood, and I try my hardest to have fun, and I don't pout.

 

He called me tonight, my sibling's got the stereo blaring in the bathroom while they shower for legitimately 45 minutes, I have an exam tomorrow, they won't shut it off and my parents say to me "OTHER PEOPLE LIVE HERE, TOO" and yeah that's right, other people live here too-- what about me??

 

I don't know where to begin-- I want to be happy. I want to live with my boyfriend but I want to get out of here. I will miss it and I know my relationship with my family will be 100% better because we have it in us, but not like this. I get afraid my boyfriend will not think I want to live with HIM but just want to get out. I want both though, and you all know I want to live with him since before all this went sour at home. So I get afraid of what he thinks.

 

Can't move out, campus housing is $1,000 a month with 4-5 other roomates, and I already will owe so many thousands. I might not feel better because I don't want to live there anyway. I am in school morning to night. Not much time to work, and I'm making about $120 a week. I'm starting to put money aside in savings and paying off my credit cards to put myself in the best place to get out of here.

 

I love my family and they love me too. I think they resent me for being 21 and living at home, but I'm in college and doing all I can. I'm sick and tired all the time. I work, I go to school ALL DAY LONG into night, am so stressed, so depressed... I owe money to my parents, couldn't keep up with car insurance especially at my last job and then for about 7 months I was out of a job and no place could hire me because I was at school just all day long into night-- like every semester. I have a job bow, now I'm owing credit cards, so I would rather not be in debt if they could wait. My mother has mentioned in the past women who she works with and their daughters and how they have money and things like that, but they're getting out of school at like noon time, and they don't have to work on paintings and projects on top of papers and readings and having to cut into sleep to do homework and still not have it be done.

 

My boyfriend has heard it all so many times. I want to be happy and not worry, but I'm not seeing it happen until I'm out. I'll be out in 14 months, and yeah that's a long time when you're about ready to drive your car into a wall every time you make the commute to campus.

 

Right now I feel calm. I just want to know how to deal. I have nooo idea what category this goes to. I don't know how much the title suits it because he's not going crazy, but I wonder what he thinks and I'm positive it interferes in one way or another. I think I'm more concerned with how to deal with issues at home, though.

 

Martha

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If he lives with his parents could he ask them if you could do your college work there? If that's not possible is there grandparents or aunts and uncles who would help you do this?

 

You need to be in a stress free zone after you come home from college. That will give you and your family space from each other.

 

I advise you to see your doctor too and explain about you wanting to drive your car into a wall, etc., he may be able to give you medication to help.

 

It's important that you take care of yourself.

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So you are having issues with living with the family. I can tell you, that going away to college was the best thing that ever happened to me. Relationships with my mom and dad improved dramatically,and it was because they didn't have to bicker at me for the small stuff.

 

Unfortunately my eldest sister (I am the youngest of 4) wasn't so lucky. She went to the Local University and was guilted into staying home. As a result, he grades slipped, she dropped the med program, and pursued another major.

 

Eventually her solution was to spend more time at school, in the library, out with the friends. She developed a hobby, took on a job, and even took us out for a movie every now and then.

 

The key is that you are stressed because you are living as an adult, in a household where you were predominately a child for the majority of your stay. The solution is to get out. And if that means with your boyfriend, great!...But respect the idea if he's not too cool with it. Meaning, you need to think of other options for housing. Can you perhaps seek student aid?

 

Are your grades good enough to get scholarship money to aid the costs of any other housing expenses.

 

The problem that I saw with a few of my roommate live-in girlfriends is that they adjust too nicely. They make the apartment thier own. This scares a guy as much as seeing tampons in his medicine cabinet.

 

Side Story: I once caught my girlfriend putting her toothbrush outside of her allocated slot in the drawer. When reaching for my Motrin one day, I noticed this, and quickly addressed the issue that though I loved her presense, she was merely a guest, not a permenant party.

 

Point being, if you do happen to go through with this move in, allow your boyfriend the latitude to make rules. And yes, he may be great enough to say there are no rules. Bull * * * *! Make him set guidelines and boundaries.

 

The last thing you want to do, is alienate him, and more importantly stress the relationship by bringing problems home...to his home!

 

Lastly, if the Boyfriend is so supportive, it is my hope that he understands the seriousness of this issue. That being said, respect his decision regardless. And always look at it from the other point of view.

 

~John

 

IF this helps feel free to message me with any other issues.

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It sounds like you're in a real fix with a year to go before you finally get to the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't really quite know what to tell you except that it sounds from your description that you are doing all the right things to get to where you need to be and have your priorities straight. For what it's worth we all go throught periods where it seems as though well never get through and can't progress fast enough towards relief. For me when things get tough and I feel like I'm pushing the limit I try to take a moment and remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Pardon me for getting a little spiritual but in my eyes it's all about growth and learning lessons, some pleasant some not so pleasant. It's how we deal with adversity and hardship that matters, and learning the lessons from every event or situation that is set before us, which is something that far too many don't do, only to have to repeat the same lesson in a different guise later on. Perhaps the lesson is tolerance? or finding a way to center yourself despite chaos or discord? But rest assured that the situation won't last forever (although it may seem like it).

 

There is also a story that has been told in many fashions and forms that has to do with breaking down life and wizdom into one simple statement that if remembered and thought about applies to all situations both good and bad... "This Too, Shall Pass". If you do a web search for that statement you may find it both interesting and relevant. Good Luck and Keep your Chin up.

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I wish I could help you.

I have some of the same feelings that you do.

I'm living at home with my parents right now, due to a traumatic situaiton.

My boyfriend is far away right now, and I really miss him.

I also understand the whole college thing.

The college experience can be an unpleasant unpleasant.

They charge so much to get an education and it's so completely ridiculous.

I also am having a few money issues.

Have you ever thought that maybe you might be clinically depressed?

I am suffering from depression and since we have some similar situations, it might be something to want to look into.

Espicially if you're thinking of driving into a wall or shooting yourself in the head.

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you have my sympathies, life is tough.

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Today here we go again, I'm home in between classes because I had a 4 hour gap and I'm sick so I wanted to just relax. I have small animals and my little brother always sneaks to hold them. I'm sick, he's probably sick, doesn't matter. I remind him "don't touch them unless you wash your hands" because they'll legitimately DIE if they get sick.

 

That's all, and it starts. I get told "Why don't you just move out?!" Over him getting aggravated I told him to wash his hands if he picks them up, which he shouldn't be doing. Yeah I'll keep them in my bedroom if I have to but now I need to wait until my cold goes away (just got it yesterday)

 

My mothers SCREAMING over me, not letting me talk, she's telling him "I TOLD YOU DON'T TALK TO HER" It's like... what??

 

I call up my boyfriend like 3 times, leave a voicemail "please pick up," he's at work, probably interrupted him.

 

 

I don't know if I'm clinically depressed because I'm fine as long as these things get put to rest, but if it starts up, like right now, I get upset. It's unfair. I get told to move out, and I don't have a say when my siblings scream because they can-- I get yelled at and ganged up on, and over stupid small things.

 

I don't understand why you can't move out...and move in with your boyfriend?

I'm not going to live at his house with his parents. He pays to live at home anyway, and he's in a good relationship with his family and is enjoying it while he can, and saving up for us when I'm out. We're wanting to get a house, but if we don't it would be a nice apartment, but this won't be until I'm out of college. It is 100% impossible for me to move out. I don't even have enough money for what I need to pay for now, and it would be impossible. I'm stuck, but I have all possibilities as soon as I get out.

 

I don't have anywhere else to go even in the middle of things. I'd rather be here most of the time because I want to protect my things.

 

 

 

Thank you SO SO SO much you guys... I've felt so alone. It's nice to know people understand, it really is

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Every weekend I'd go and stay with my grandparents, if I hadn't I'd have gone crazy! My Mother was always getting at me. I was in my early teens and still at school. As soon as I put my nose through the door again she would start.

 

I'm sorry that you don't have any relatives you could live with permanently. You need the peace and quiet to concentrate on good results.

 

Instead of going home for your 'free time' could you go and spend it in the school library where it'd be quiet. You'd get your work done in half the time.

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I wish I could do that; that is such a good solution to have someplace to stay, especially with relatives. I have relatives close by, but I just can't do that with them. No place for me and they are a lot like my mother when I've ever stayed with them and they'd end up being the same way.

 

I try to stay on campus but I have so many things that I can't bring with me to do in those places, like paintings. I try to do readings when I get them though. Sometimes I also like to just come home and get into bed and do academic work but then I run into this. I'm so unwanted here and I'm so stuck. I can't even believe this anymore... They all gang up on me and it's just the thing to do is to yell at me and tell me to move out... it's them against me and I have no say.

 

I'm starting to save more... I'm so upset at the thought that even though I'll be out of school in 14 months, I probably won't be able to move out until so much later than that. Maybe 2 years from now, who knows.. I hate this so much.

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The only way you're going to get any peace from them is to go straight to your bedroom when you get home, and not come out of it until you have to go to college again. That was the only way I could survive during the week.

 

I wish I could think of another solution.

 

Anytime you need to vent PM me.

 

Good luck and take care.

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