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Do I have a right to know if he still talks to ex?


Drunk
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I have been going out with my boyfriend for a few months, and I know he had a really heartbreaking break up before me. I never really questioned the fact if he still talks to his ex. But the other day he checked his email in front of me and I think I saw a message from her (but I could totally be wrong, I dont like to be nosey so I looked away) I am just scared that they are talking now (I am pretty sure they broke up on bad terms) because I do think he still has feelings for her. I am not doubting that he loves me, I know he does, but should I be worried if he is talking to his ex? Do I even have a right to know if they are talking? I dont like to be nosey, but do you think I should ask him if they are still talking? Or should i just leave it alone all together?

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wow drunk - I don't know about your rights - not sure of the legalities on this one but I would sure want to know. I tihnk for me, a few months of dating a guy who had a horrible break-up and still talks to his ex would smell like re-bound to me and I would want very little to do with it.

 

If I learned he was NOT talking to his ex and had indeed moved on, I would feel loads better.

 

So, I don't know about what you're entitled to know, but wanting to know seems rather appropriate.

 

I would just ask - I would. I would personally want to gauge where things were heading.

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Personally, I think you have a right to know. In your situation, I'd want to know, especially if there was a chance he's still meeting up with or talking to her.

 

I think the more general problem is your fear of standing up for yourself in your relationship:

 

I think I saw a message from her (but I could totally be wrong, I dont like to be nosey so I looked away)

 

Ask yourself why you did that.. because yes, you DO have a right to know what's going on. So don't be afraid to assert yourself. If you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. You can be assertive WITHOUT being pushy or accusational. That's a great skill to have. Practice it simply by asking your boyfriend if he is talking to her.

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I agree with the other posters. I think it is naturaly to want to know, and I think you deserve the courtesy and respect from him. I would just ask him what's up. I know when I found out that my boyfriend was talking to his ex I wasn't too concerned (like you situation, they had a really messy break up) what I did find offensive was the fact that her never told her about me. He got a bit of a talking to for that.

 

Do yourself a favour and just ask. If everything is on the up and up, he should have no problem answering your question.

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Hey Drunk,

 

I think it's best if you ask your boyfriend if he's still talking to his ex-girlfriend. If she did in fact send him a message and he opened it up in front of you, maybe they are just keeping in contact as friends. He isn't trying to hide it. Maybe it's no big secret, but make sure just so you won't worry about it.

 

AngelEyez

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You have every right to be informed. I would just ask him casually, hey do you still talk to your ex? If he avoids the question, then he is, and then you have to wonder why hes avoiding the question.

 

I think the more you know the better, keeps you from walking around with your head in the sand and living life uninformed.

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I think the more you know the better, keeps you from walking around with your head in the sand and living life uninformed.

 

I like that! and I agree. Knowledge is power. First of all, knowing stops you from guessing (and we all know how wild imaginations can be). I also think the sooner you deal with this the better. Obviously it is on your mind, so it is a real issue to you.

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I am in touch with an ex and with several people I casually dated. My bf knows all of this simply because I wanted to tell him not because I felt obligated. None of my contact with exes has to do with the direction of my heart in any romantic sense - they are all completely platonic interactions. I think it has everything to do with trust - if you trust someone then you don't need to know every person he/she is in touch with and if there is trust then each person feels comfortable telling the other person "I spoke with so and so." I do think that as a matter of respect each person should tell the other when he/she plans to see the ex. My bf is colleagues with two women he dated and sees one of them for lunch every so often - he always lets me know in advance and I am totally fine with it. The other still seems to have some interest in him but he never sees her outside of business events and never initiates contact with her. But, when all is said and done, I trust him and trust that he will tell me all he thinks I need to know.

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I don't think you have a "right" other than a right to know that if you are exclusive he is not being physically intimate with anyone else. It would be nice if he let you know whether he remains in touch with the ex.

 

Of course she has a right to know. If you are going to commit your time, heart, money, energy, soul, love etc. etc. into a person, and a relationship with them you have a right to know where that is going. Why do people talk to their ex, are they still friends, are they still in love, do they want to reconcile and get back together? These are all legit questions. I see NOTHING wrong with simply finding out 'if' they are still talking. Where you take it from there, thats up to you. But asking a simple yes or no question should not be a big deal, nor should it be a burden for the SO to answer that question.

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