Unfaithful wife... what to do?!

[Predforte]

Hi there, I'm new to the forum, here is my story:

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 1 year, she is 23 and I'm 28. We have been together (including dating) for 3.5 years now.

 

2 months ago she mentioned that someone at work had been flirting with her, and she kind of liked it. She expressed that if he tried to kiss her she might not be able to stop herself from reciprocating. Both of us agreed that starting sept 1 when we had health insurance, she and i would seek couples counselling and she would have individual therapy. She promised to avoid this person at work.

 

3 weeks ago I found a suspicious email that led me to strongly believe that she had recently had an affair. When confronted she said that she had oral sex with this man at work 2 days before. Upon further investigations on her computer, I found that she and this man had engaged in unprotected vaginal sex instead of oral sex. When confronted she denied this, but then revealed the truth when I threatened to call the other party and check with them.

 

Since then both of us have been in individual therapy and also in couples therapy. She has sworn to tell me the truth about things and wants to try and make our relationship work. She has no further contact with this person.

 

1.5 weeks ago I discovered that she had just started a secret myspace account with a secret email address. In this account she was pretending to be an 18 year old high school student living in the same part of town as her lover (colombian part of town) and with a profile title of "cutie with bootie". She invited both guys and girls to be her friend, she only messaged a few people. The photos and profile info were copied from someone else's profile.

 

One of the few people she messaged (all guys) was a young columbian guy who she said looked cute, and she introduced herself as new in town. It didnt go any further than that before I confronted her about it.

 

She says she wanted to see what it was like to be another person. She didnt plan on having any kind of relationship with anyone, just wanted to talk through myspace. To me it feels like she is not being faithful, why did she need to have this be a secret if nothig was wrong with it?

 

What should I do? I'm thinking of leaving her for good.

 

-PredForte

[Beec]

Leave her. Serriously. She seems to have no intent to be faithful, probably has no idea how she is hurting you, or doees nto care, and you cannot let it continue. What other choice do you have?

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

I am so sorry your circumstances have brought you here. I would advise to talk to an attorney and get some legal counsil. I would start the divorce proceedings right away. She apparently has no idea what marriage and committment is all about. She has proved on several occasions she cannot be trusted, no trust, no relationship.

 

I am sorry this happened to you. Stay strong and keep talking to us.

[Maverick32x]

hmm... she sounds VERY unfaithful, and it seems that you have recognized this yourself already. The relationship seems to be crumbling due to the lack of trust. What made you look for her Myspace? or through her emails? It seems to me that you are a bit suspicious of her, and for all the right reasons!!! If the you don't think the couples therapy is going to work out.. you might be better off divorcing before children and such....

[Predforte]

The hard part is she still wants to be with ME! I feel kind of guilty and like I'm the one who is not giving her a chance. Thank you for your kind and quick replies to my original post!

[Baby Carrot]

Hi Pred, welcome to the forum.

 

Sorry to hear ur going thru all of that.

 

Is difficult to try and tell what someone should "do" just by a brief description of the problem. But for what you say, she doesn't sound like the most responsible or commited person... it sounds like she wants to keep experimenting, having a laugh online and living like a single woman while she's in a relationship.

 

She can't possibly have it both ways.

 

Try and keep working with your counselor, maybe you can work things out. If not, well, there are many other women out there that are more respectful and responsible than that... Personally, I wouldn't take any of that from a partner, and I'd walk away for good.

 

Good luck.

[Iceman26]

I am sorry to hear about what happened Predforte. Were I in your shoes, I would have been gone when she said that she might be "unable to stop herself from reciprocating'.

 

I simply don't have the time, patience, or understanding to put up with crap like that, I don't care who it is from. Life is just too damn short.

 

I hope you have the courage to leave this unfaithful person and find somebody who will treat you well. Good luck.

[kellbell]

"The hard part is she still wants to be with ME!"

 

This is because she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She wants you around in case her other plans do not work out. You are her insurance, her backup. Don't be a backup plan, get out while you can, before this goes on too long and perhaps children come into the picture. By that time, it will be harder and more painful.

[Dako]

I'd probably try to get over cheating if it were a single event and she was sincerely remorseful.

If this were my wife I'd pack her bags and sent her off on her merry way.

Counseling is for people who care for each other, not this.

[texami]

wow, kellbell!! i was literally about to type the "cake and eat it too" thing!!

 

anyway, it's true, Pred... there's a typical thing that selfish people do and it's turn around the problem on to the other person. She wants it to look like YOU are the one breaking up the relationship without giving credit to the things she's done.

 

if you caught her at these pretty major things... i shudder to think what else she's done. has she ever volunteered ANYTHING that you haven't caught her red-handed at????

 

that part of it sound like the cliche "tip of the iceberg"... best of luck to you, and stay strong and remember all that she's done to ruin the trust.

[Predforte]

Pretty much everything ive found out was by catching her red-handed. I even found out that she has been "in love with" 2 other people in the last year. she says they were just crushes and she didnt come close to doing anything with them. One was just about 3 weeks before our wedding and one was another woman. I feel like a * * * * * * * because im still with her. Saying these things out loud makes me think.... why would I ever consider staying? But the thing is I love her, and I have imagined us making a life together. Thank you for helping me realize I've just been fooling myself.

 

-Pred Forte

[kellbell]

Pred,

 

Now is the time to stop thinking about what COULD HAVE been and start realized WHAT IS and what has happened. She has proved over and over she can not be trusted and does not seem remorseful. Therapy would have a chance if she felt bad but she does not.

 

You are better off without her.

[texami]

it does help a lot to type out what's been going on... sort of an objective list to try to look at the situation as a whole.

 

all the other things you just metioned, on top of the actual affair, are serious. she doesn't seem to understand what monogamy is, and is not reserving those types of feelings for you alone. it in a way sounds like she is very immature, or has to have so much attention and affection because she is insecure. either way, it's disrespectful to you that she's not even trying to be faithful.

[Dako]

Not all women cheat, and you deserve someone loyal.

You need to look out for yourself, and not let her sway you. Apparently she has plenty of support besides you.

[Juliana]

"She says she wanted to see what it was like to be another person."

 

Yeah. Now she can find out what it's like to be a divorced person.

 

Seriously;this chick has issues.

[Beec]

If this were my wife, I would be trying to figure out what the door sounded like when it hit her in the fanny, after she came home to find all her belongings sitting on the curb.

 

What else is there? She could not help but blow some other man? Of course she could help it, she could have said NO. And then she was trolling for others on myspace? And had crusehs on tohers right before the wedding? I think she is going to have some fun explaining to her firends and family that she got kicked out for cheating on her husband. Maybe she will learn then. I don't see how you could ever trust her again, and since you probably cannot, what choices do you have? This is not your fault, this is only hers.

 

Pack her bags, change the lock.

 

Then come back here. You're not in for an easy time of it, this is a terrible thing you are going through. And, there are plenty of people here who have been through it, divorces, cheating, etc. before, and I am sure this will be a good place to vent if nothing more.

[arwen]

I think she wants to stay with you because you are her security. The other man and the myspace adventures are her excitement. She sounds immature, as if she got married too young (I am not saying 22 is too young to get married, it may have been for her though). It was not one mistake (that would already be VERY difficult). It was something she even told you in advance might happen. I can't believe that, that is so cruel. As if she was already planning on it and as if this would soften the blow or make her feel less guilty.

 

I think this early on in marriage, for a betrayal this big, you have every reason to leave her, pick up the pieces and find someone who is worthy of your love.

 

Ilse

[freedom]

please leave her.

but before the get the laywers on her. Save all the Myspace and all the emails because you are going to need it in court to prove she hasnt been a good wife.

Sorry to hear about this mate. good luck.

She is using you for meal ticket.

[CarnelianButterfly]

She obviously going to keep doing this to you. The fact you've been married only a short while and she had sex with another man suggests she probably got married to have a "safe" guy to fall back on. She's putting you at risk to, having unprotected sex with others and not telling you could cause you trouble with STDs and not to mention jealous lovers hanging around.

 

She needs to grow up and start living her own life and not trying to be someone else. Dump her and don't let her guilt you into to taking her back. She'll become the sweetest person and try to get you to stay, don't fall for it, be stone.

[Maverick32x]

Jalys... keep those comments to yourself please......

The advice to save the emails and such is probably a very good idea, the last thing you want to do is get the short end of the "divorce stick" if that makes any sense....

She WILL attempt to tell you that she has changed, but I would defintly suggest standing your ground and being VERY firm about it... you dont need this in your life...... Good luck man...... find someone who is worthy of your love

[Jalys]

Sorry, was being brutally honest.

[Mike_Wazowski]

Bro....You're 28yrs old.....still young..still plenty of time to find a caring woman......if you love her, it is going to be quite painful to let her go, but I would advice dumping her, maybe re locate to a place far from her, and begin to live the rest of your life!

 

Good Luck!

[Rabican]

The hard part is she still wants to be with ME! I feel kind of guilty and like I'm the one who is not giving her a chance. Thank you for your kind and quick replies to my original post!

 

Of course she does. You are probably paying the bills, providing her a stable life, a roof, food, etc. etc. Correct?

 

While at the ame time she can go out and cheat on you, and you love her so you give her another chance. Then when you try to work out that next chance she goes right out and starts setting up booty calls on myspace and you say "oh ok that makes sense, she says she wants to be with me so ill believe her"

 

She is junk, she doesnt respect you, she doesnt have any idea of what marriage, or commitment is. I would tell her flatly that was her last chance, move out now im filing for divorce. shes already pulling this crap and you have not been married long... she shouldnt even have a CHANCE to be bored yet so whats her excuse? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, having your wife on level 5 secutiry, elevated threat level so to speak because you cant trust her, and shes probably out looking for some strange any time you are not around.... grrrrr screw that man. Man up, and move on.

[Predforte]

Last night I left my wife. She was pretty devestated and is begging me to take her back. I moved out and will get the rest of my things in a few days. For now I'm just trying to get myself together and not be tempted to contact her. Thanks for the advice, I knew what I had to do, I just needed to hear someone else tell me the same.

 

PredForte

[freedom]

predforte...good luck.. smooth sailing