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I am lonely in house full of people


piegirl
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I came originally looking for answers about my BF. He told me that he could not love me and that commitment was something he had never been able to do. That was almost a year ago and I with him.

 

I moved me and my 2 kids in with a few months ago and everything has been good until the last month or so.

 

I was fired from my job and have not yet found other employment. This is very depressing for me. I have fallen into the routine of wakign up making cofee and lunches, sending everyone off to work and school. Then my day consist of looking for a job, cleanimg, and looking at the walls. I have done everything for everyone. I do all the work in the house. I keep a smile on my face when they get home, I keep them all happy. I am not happy though.

 

Everyone comes home and does what they have always done. Their routines have not changed but I am lonely and want nothing more than for them to talk with me play with me to notice me. I am living in a house with four people but I am alone.

 

Then last night my BF asked if I would mind if he went out with his best Friend. The game was on at the sports bar and they have not hung out in months. I told him to and to have fun. He said it would be for long, a couple of hours and he would be good. He said he knew that I was not happy about it and he felt bad but he has given up his freedom and everything else to be with me and be a father to my kids. He just needed some guy time a guys night out. I told him that was just not happy that I could not go out as well. That I have not been out in a lot longer than him but that I understood his need and to have fun. Once again I am the one making everyone happy.

 

I woke at 2 am and he was not home yet. I knew that this would be the case so why should I be mad at him. He said a couple of beers and the game then he would be home. I called his cell and answers and says "Hey, baby can you come pick me up?" I said sure where are you ( I knew that were they said they were going closed at midnight). He then got really mad at me and said you know what I am a big boy I will make my own F@%king way home and I will see you when I F*&^king get there. I went and picked him up and he yelled at me all the way home. He came in the house and got work clothes and a few items and said that I had all the time I needed gave me his bank card said make sure you guys have enough. I am leaving. I told him I would pack my stuff today and move out that I could not live like this. He said I was talking alot of stuff and that he would talk about with me today.

 

I begged him not to leave offered to leave myself told him he was drunk and that he should not be out driving and that it was his home he should not feel that he had to leave it. We argued at the door I would not let him out he pulled it open and I puched it closed. He threw his hands up said it was ok for me to use force but not for him to.

 

He left I threw my keys at his truck as he drove away. He called me a few minutes later and asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him I wanted him to treat like he would normally. I told him I was sorry. He said go to bed he would be home in few and he would sleep in the spare room. He came in and came to bed with me. The dog climbed into bed between us. He went to sleep and threw an arm accross me.

 

I woke up late this morning made him coffee and a lunch. Got him advil and water. I got the kids ready for school. Everyone has went on with their day as usual. I am hurt and upset over things that were said last night.

 

My BF is normally a very loving and affectionate person. He brought me flowers when I lost my and told me everything would ok. He sits beside me when he reads or watches tv and puts him around me. He is gentle and loving. He has been the father to my kids that they never had.

 

We were both at fault for last night I got mad and while I did not say anything wrong when I called him I said it loud and hatefully. He was drunk and I gave him just what he needed to vent his frustrations on me. He said he gave up his freedom for me. I think at times he hates me for that. I have no doubt that he loves me. He shows it in his actions as well as his words. He called me from work to make sure I was alright today. I lied and said I am fine. He said sorry and I said I was as well.

 

I can't help but feel that this is the first of a long line of fights like this. I can't but feel that the longer that I am unemployed that I will only be more depressed and bored with my life. I want them all to notice that. I don't want to ask for their attention I don't want to tell them that I want more attention. I can't blame my BF for resenting me at times. He has given up alot and changed alot for the better of me and my kids. How far can he go though. You are who you are right.

 

Thank for reading this I am not sure what I want out of this other than to tell someone how I feel. I do not want to move out I want to spend my life with my BF. We talk of having a baby and getting married. How can we do that when on night can throw it all up the this????

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Hey piegirl,

 

I read your first posts here on the forum. Things must be really confusing for you. There were commitment issues in the past, can you recap how he decided that you should still move in, in spite of his feelings of not wanting to commit?

 

I think the good things here is that you let him go with his friend. I can imagine that you were not willing to pick him up when he stood there drunk. He should have thought about logistics before he ordered drinks. I can't blame you for being angry for that in the middle of the night.

 

The thing is, you have learned to have a family, and take care of your kids, taking responsibility (I don't assume you are going out and get drunk). He has not experienced that himself, and no matter how connected he is to your children, they are YOUR children and not his. It will take a very big commitment and a lot of time for him to take the role of 'father'.

 

Do you and him want children, by the way?

 

Girl, why do you feel as if he has the right to resent you? It was his choice to commit and include you and your children in your life, or not? I think if it IS the case that he feels that you took away his freedom, you have a big problem on your hands. I think you should really find a good moment to have a conversation about this. If he's not up to this after all, you better know sooner rather than later.

 

As for the job, I am sorry you lost your job. I lost a job in the beginning of this year, and I know how it feels. Luckily I found my dreamjob in just two weeks, but due to formalities I was at home for like 1.5 months. It's not like a vacation. I think having no job is more stressful than most jobs.

 

You may feel like you have to hide your depressed feelings from your kids. Of course, parents are like that, you want to protect them from your sorrow and make their young years as pleasurable as possible. But sweetie, in a relationship with a partner, you shouldn't feel like you have to put up a happy mask and pretend everything is ok. Everything is not ok. You lost your job, and thereby your independency. That puts extra weight on the issues that you already had before you lost the job. Things are blown up, he feels more responsible than he wants (he is now the sole provider), and you feel more dependent than you want.

 

I think that finding a job (even as a temp or just something you can do while looking for a job that belongs to the career you want), is your number one priority here. How about child support, do you have that? You mentioned before that you are divorced for 5 years now.

 

Take care and hugs,

 

Ilse

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My divorce was final just over 6 years ago now. I have had to fight for child support for all of those 6 years. My ex quit working at least being paid legally. Then had the support order re-evaluated. My ex started paying me $300 a month about 2 months ago when they gave him 90 in jails. That barely covers my car payment.

 

My Bf is good at sensing my moods and often I put the girls to bed and come into the living room and he asks me to sit down with him. He then asks me if I need talk about anything that it seems that I might. Sometimes we talk other times we don't.

 

As far as him being a father to my children, he has taken to that role very well. He went out and bought a couple of books on being a stepfather. He often calls them our girls. He puts the girls before me and himself. I would never say that he anything less than a great father to them.

 

We have talked about having a baby together. We are planning to wait about 8 or 9 more months then look at our situation once again.

 

My BF is the one who told me that maybe I should look at this as an opportunity to make a career instead of just getting another job. He said he will support me whatever my choice.

 

I am enrolling in a class to get my certificate to do insurance. That class does not start for another month though. My BF already put the money for it up and made sure that I have it.

 

He is a very giving yet a very selfish person all at the same time. How do you deal with that.

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Yeah that's a tough combination. People come in interesting ways, don't they! From what I have read, I think he really loves you. I think he might it more difficult to adjust to his new life than he wants to admit (to you or to himself). He got drunk, and just blurted out things he would have kept in when sober. Although it's probably very painful for you, I think what he said offers you an opportunity to really talk about this. He is good at sensing things, that's a VERY good trait in his character. Don't lie to him about how you feel. He wouldn't sit you down and ask about how you feel if he didn't want to know.

 

If he is really wanting you to pursue a career, and if that's what you want to, I'd go for the opportunity. My bf and I are in the same type of career and it may mean in the future that we will have to support each other financially if one of us is looking for the next job (we are in academic research, and won't have permanent contracts until we are far past our mid thirties... ). God knows, there might be a time that you will have to support him. And I know that you will do that for him as well. Why do you think you don't deserve this chance? Is there any reason you feel you are not worthy of this?

 

In what way do you feel he is selfish? Do you mean by asking you to come pick him up (he was drunk, not an excuse, but a good explanation of very silly behavior). Are there other things that you feel are selfish?

 

Ilse

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OK, you have an imbalance occurring here, not because you don't want to give him anything, but because you just cannot right now.

 

There are a number of things that go into this, so I may have difficulty explaining tham. First thing to udnerstand is why we fall for those we fall for: we fall for those who give us what we want or need; and who do so while remaining aloof and independent from us. They meet some need or want in us, and they do it while seemingly asking for very little. In this respect, love is a bargain, a deal, and we want a good deal.

 

You must meet some needs and desires in him, or he would not be with you. You gave him a deal that was good enough. But now, since you are out of work, the deal is changing. You cannot contribute financially, because you are not working. You do some things around the house, but when you consider he supports you and your children, that may seem relatively small in comparison. And you being out of work has got you in a funk, and some one in a funk is needy, you need attention, as you said on top. They all have lives going on, and things happening, and you are staring at the walls, so to speak.

 

In a month, this should begin to change. You are going to have something to do, and will be making some investment in you. So, you won't need the attention as much. And while you still won't be making much of financial contribution, your efforts presumably will be working towards making a larger one in the future. So the calculation changes again. Your efforts at getting certified will be included in the calculation.

 

Now, there is no ledger on which someone keeps inputs and outputs, but there is kind of one in our heads. And his ledger, includes both his financial support and the moral supprot he gives you. I doubt he wants remuneration financially, but I would make a bet as to a few things he wants to see, whether he says so or not:

 

1. Appreciation, he is being a good guy, supporting you, your kids, being a father to them, grab that man and kiss him and let him know you appreciate him for that, among other things, because what he has done is probably part of the man he is, and that is what you probably love him for;

 

2. Some freedom, a man may want a night out now and then to do things that you may or may not like. Yes, we may want to go get good and drunk. What he did should only be an issue because of his lack of notice. If he called you up at ten, and said, will you come pick me up here at closing time, because I plan on having a few too many to drive, you should have been willing and able to say, yes. He needs some freedom, let him have it. His calling at 2, well, that was probably forgiveable and you getting him is the right thing to do. It was just poor planning. But maybe he need to blow off the steam, because you are probably creating a bit of stress being out of work, wanting attention and being down.

 

That's what you can change over the next month. If you want ot stop being down and staring at the walls, find a project until the class begins and attack it in the home. Redo a room, furnish the attic, reseal the driveway, whatever, it does not matter, take something on, and do it. It will give you purpose and activity, bring you a bit out of the funk, and get you contributing something else to the home.

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We decided that moving in together would be a good idea since we were spending all our time together anyway. Either me and my children were here at his house or he was at ours.

 

As far as doing projects goes to keep myself from being bored, I have. If it can hung it is if it can be moved or cleaned it has been. I have painted, drywalled, you name it if we have the stuff or the money for the stuff it is done.

 

I know that everyone needs freedom and I do my best to give that to him. When says that some people at work want to go out for little after work I tell him to have fun. When his friends call and ask about going out I tell him have fun. I am not trying to control his life. I tell him all the time that he a good man and that he treats me and my kids great. I am sure that he knows how much I appreciate him.

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piegirl, it's pretty clear to me that neither of you is doing anything really blameworthy. You both seem to be good people, just going through a stressful time.

 

Sounds like the boredom projects are done, so maybe you can look further afield? I don't know.

 

With regard to his freedom, why don't you pick some time every week or few weeks, or whatever and order him to go out. I recently, within a few months, read an article by a man which stated that he knew he wanted to marry his wife when he was surfing in Mexico and she was back in the Mid-West. She had basically ordered him to go there surfing and that was the final motivating factor, so to speak. It was not that she allowed him to, she did more than that. I don't know what you should send him to do, that's your call, but it may help.

 

Nothing is really going to help in the long term, except you finding ways to deal with the stress that comes day to day. It will rise and fall, but in your case, recent months have created a real rise. In the short term stuff like telling him to go someplace can help.

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