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what if just bad timing??


buckley
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Quick recap......

 

was with this guy in a rship that went sour when he decided he couldnt get too close......b4 we got together we had kept in touch while i was away for a yr writing every day.....we just got along n clicked so well.........so when i came back to his country i was madly in love with him ......but as i said after awhile he opened up to me bout how he couldnt commit unless he knew i was the one and that he was scared to commit to me as i was only on a working holiday visa and was travellin n would evenually leave him to go home........

 

anyways things went sour after this.....we tried not being in touch but we couldnt last....we would ed up meeting up and i would get upset that we couldnt be together.....needless to say we started fightin n i caused him so much stress he started havin panik attacks.....than it all went down hill.....i tried to make out i was over him so he would still see me n try n be friends but ild again get upset........he told me how much he felt for me and how he wanted so bad to get close to me.......he even tried finding ways to move to my country.........but as he couldnt find any except for marryin me for visa which i didnt take him that seriously on he couldnt get close n kept gettin scared.

 

anyways months passed n we didnt see each other just kept in touch....he tha started seieng someone just for sex at first n than i suppose thru time they got close...he now tells me hes settled down with her and their happy( this is now 3 yrs later) but we have both agreed that if we had of met later in life it would have been diff.......

 

my question is this: im madly in love with a guy ive been with for over a yr....hes amazing.....but i worry that maybe my ex was the one and it just didnt work out cos of circumstances........how do i know that my ex wasnt the one and that this guy isnt as amazing as my ex would be if we had of been able to stay together??

 

is it a fact that because me n my ex didnt work out..it wouldnt have in end anyways???? it just seems that if he hadnt of been so scared or if i had of married him for visa even tho i wasnt ready to do something like that we woulda worked out.....i dunno

 

we still keep in touch....n have big soft spots for one another....im just scared that i dunno how to tell who the one is?? i know i wont be with my ex again, n i dont want to, i have moved on and i love my current bf but it seems so crap that the guy you end up with is perhaps the guy u end up with only because its the guy who u were able to end up with....the guy it worked out with.......im so confused........what if u meet the one and its worng timing or something....does that mean the one u work out with is second best????? anyone have insight on this.....????? i feel so lost about it all

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Buckley,

A lot of people talk about meeting "the one," their soulmate, etc... Well, in my experience and humble opinion. There can be more than one person who can qualify as "the one." for you. However, the first thing you need to realize is that whether that happens or not, depends on your outlook on life. If you convince yourself that there is only one perfect person for you (and that this guy you speak of was him) then you are sabotaging the rest of your life. On the other hand, if you allow yourself to believe that there are more than one perfect person for you... then that is just what you will find.

 

In the 16 or so years I spent in the dating world before meeting my current wife I have encountered only a few women who I can honestly say that could have qualified as "the one". Actually, I would say three, maybe four. One is my wife. The second is my ex-girlfriend Marissa (and I wrote a thread in "Breaking up" about her). The third is my friend Laura who I've been friends with for 12 years now. With Laura basically what happened is initially I was afraid to push for a relationship, then it became more a problem of timing. She would be in a relationship when I was out of one or vice-versa. Then when we were finally both single, she was working so much and so busy with her daughter that it was impossible to get something going. Even though when I flat out asked her about us having a future, she was very receptive and wanted to try something. Will I still occasionally wonder "what-if things between her and I had gone differently?" Of course I will, but I also know that she wasn't the only one for me and I don't let that get in the way of my relationship with my wife.

 

Now, obviously I have had relationships with and have met more than the three women I mentioned. With some of these many women at the time I thought that they might be "the one". In fact with several I was absolutely convinced that they were and I wouldn't get over them and would feel exactly what you are describing. The thing is though is that I did eventually get over them. Sometimes that was because someone new came along, other times it was because I realized that they really weren't right for me after all.

 

So I guess the bottom line is that if you allow yourself to first of all believe that there can be more than one perfect person for you... then there can be, but you have to be open to it. If you're worried that the man you are with isn't "the one" ask yourself why that is? Is there something wrong in the relationship? Does he lack a certain aspect that you require? It would be crap to just be in a relationship with someone because that's just the way it happened. But chances are, that isn't what happened with your current BF is it? Chances are there was something about him that made you fall in love with him right? Don't forget about that... sometimes love is subtle.

 

Also remember that there's often a certain mystique to something we can't have or relationships that elude us. Don't mistake that sensation as missing out on "the one."

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In life, timing is everything. Sometimes you fall in love with a person that is so special that you will never forget them as they have taught you something, but in the end you arent together for a reason. People move through life at different speeds, Your parter will be the right one because you both are to ready to settle down to have a particular life style.

This othe guy, her was jut there to teach you something, What ever it is, it was valuable but that doesnt make him the right one.

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