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Hi, im also a new one to this forum. I came here in search of comfort and advice on my current situation.

I am currently on a break with my girlfriend of 4 and a half years and i am so confused and hurt.

We have known eachother for a long time, we used to go to the same school and she was always a good friend. Anyway when I left school she was still there and she decided to get in contact with me and see how i was doing. One thing led to another and our friendship turned into something else. She was 18 I was 19.

The following 4 years were the best of my life and although we had our challenges our love always seem to get us through it. Then things started to change and it all seemed to happen when she finished University and she came home. We began seeing eachother alot more, things started to become stale. So we talked and we agreed that we wanted to do something with our lives and going travelling seemed the answer. This however has played on my mind and I have never been 100% committed to this idea because of my job etc... and this brings me to last Monday where she said she wanted to talk to me.

We both chatted and she basically said to me that she was not happy with the way things are and she needed a break to think things over and she wanted me to think about what I really want in my life. Since then we have not seen eachother or spoken and I am hurting really bad.

At the moment I feel totally out of control with my life and I just feel so so sad inside. I keep crying and it hurts. Im really not usually like this but this is really making me suffer.

The thing is I cant think straight and im finding it hard to think about what I want. I cant cope with my job and im not sleeping.

Right now all I can do is just go over my memories and the feelings I had.

This girl is not only the love of my life she is my best friend and I feel so so lost.

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Welcome to ENA dj10! Great to have you around here.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your pain bro. I have some thoughts for you:

 

1) I have seen many times and experienced with a woman I was convinced would be my wife that graduation creates huge changes in one's life, especially coupled with the normal changes that occur during your respective ages. In many senses, it is sort of an awakening and many people view it as starting their "real" lives now...job, family, kids. So realize this and realize this situation is probably a lot more about her and her dealing with this phenomenon than it is something you did "wrong" or something to the like.

 

2) There is still hope here I believe. But for you, right now, you genuinely need to focus on getting control, focus on doing a good job at work, and realizing your life will go on with or without this woman.

 

To that end, what I've found to be tremendously helpful is not trying to avoid or ignore your feelings, but keep them organized like the rest of your life. Work is not the time to be reflecting on memories with a wandering mind but maybe after dinner and before bed, you can plan walks or something like this as "therapy sessions" for yourself and let these urges materialize. Until then, catch these thoughts, take control of them, and get your job done. Those walks or something similar (night time motorcycle rides work well too BTW ) might help you sleep better too.

 

As far as sleeping, you can deal with that too. Expect you won't sleep, and I've found this reverse-psychology tactic actually helps you sleep sooner and better. Or embrace the inability to sleep and work naps into your schedule, or at least get vertical and get some rest.

 

3) As far as your relationship, being in limbo sucks worse than anything, but only if you look at it like that. As much as this is a break for her, it is one for you too. And now is the time to work on detaching from this situation and establishing your identity independent of this relationship. And in doing so, ancillary feelings of need, attachment, familiarity, etc. will diminish allowing you to make better decisions with a clearer head on this matter.

 

So what is it that you always wanted to do? A dream? A passion, either an existing passion or a hobby that you could turn into a passion? Keep your schedule full, your day busy, set aside your personal "therapy time" to deal with this situation, and don't forget there is a whole life out there aside from this woman. And even if you do stay together, this self-exploration and new perspective will help you tremendously in the relationship in terms of being able to share fulfillment more based from within yourself vs. viewing her and the relationship as the source of it.

 

Any way you look at this, this break is an opportunity to make your life better and might very well be the best thing that ever happened to you should you pursue it as such.

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thankyou for your advice, its really appriciated! I will try hard to concentrate on my job and hopefully use it as a way of getting away from the situation for a while. I do agree that some of this is probably due to her finishing university and reaching a new stage in her life but the fact that she tells me she really loves me still but not knowing where the relationship is going is really making me feel very much out of control. I just hope that she will soon be ready to speak so I know where I stand!

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Yeah, the waiting part sucks for sure. If you don't hear from her in a couple of weeks, I'd drop a line to see what things look like.

 

Also look at it like this. This situation, right now, is a test. It is a test of the truth of your relationship, much like, say, if you guys had children together, a house together, and hard times befell you in some way. At least this test is taking place before you've gone to deeper levels with the relationship where the stakes were much higher. Like I said before, this break might be the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

I like your idea of looking at your job as "break time" from this situation. That is a really good perspective I think.

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What frisc said is some of the best advice i've seen

 

You know what, when you guys talk again to see if things are going to remain or not, best thing you can do is understand her. Try not to get too emotional and let her know that her decision is what she needs. Don't try and force it on her, just "let her down softly."

 

That is the strongest approach, as it will help her heal, and yourself heal much faster, than if you begged and pleaded.

 

-ForAnother

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