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turning someone down gently


bighair
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Hi Friends:

 

Well, after the whole torture w. JOe, the date canceller, I decided to cast a wider net on the Match ocean. I met a guy earlier today over a cup of coffee...pretty casual stuff. I'll call him Frank.

 

Anyway, i did not find him physically attractive....And, once again, I thought we didn't have chemistry. We just chatted about work, life, you know the usual getting to know you conversations.

 

Well, he went on to say that he was pleasantly surprised by me because he's about ready to give up on the whole internet dating thing. frank found the whole thing to be rather disappointing...saying that people never seemed that interesting when they meet in person...but much more interesting in on the phone and email.

 

he went on to say that he'd like to go out w. me again, that i was the firs tperson he met on match he felt like he could talk, that there was a give and take, that I was down to earth, very pretty....

 

I was really flattered but I did not tell him that i was not attracted to him physically...i just didn't have the heart to...god i suck. he's a nice man, and i would agree that we had a pleasant time together....but no fireworks for me. he then asked me out for another date at the end of this one.

 

he already sent me an email saying how much he enjoyed meeting me. and talking with me. what do i do gang? i felt no chemsitry and now i may have mislead him by agreeing to go out w. him again.

 

i find this has happened to me before. men are interested and i'm really not. i'm a friendly person w. an outgoing personality. i'm very talkative and i can engage in converation pretty easily. i wonder if men are misreading my signals.

 

help!!! suggestions?

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You say exactly that: i.e.

 

"I am flattered by your interest but I am sorry that I can't return it. But although there wasn't the chemistry for me, I really hope that you will find someone soon."

 

thanks, dn.

 

i guess what i'm worried about is that i agreed to a 2nd date. how do i explain my mixed signals? you know?

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just an idea... but why not give him a chance? you felt a lot of chemistry with joe, the date canceller, but that didn't go so well. maybe just go out with this guy one more time? you may have a different impression of him the 2nd time around. plus if he is a good guy, maybe his personality will make you more attracted to him?

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Hi Bighair,

 

Example of what someone sent me (I went out with him last Tuesday). I did not feel a romantic spark for him either.....

 

Hi hosswhispra,

 

It was really nice to meet you Tuesday. I do think, however, that I should be honest and let you know that right now I feel like I want to focus on really getting to know someone else I've met through (insert dating website name here).

 

I really enjoyed chatting with you and hope that you have all your dreams (including lots of horses!).

 

Cheers,

hosswhispra's date

 

This is how I responded:

 

Hey (my date's name),

 

I had a nice time with you on Tuesday. Thanks for coming out to meet me. I also wish you the best.....

 

hosswhispra

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yeah, I got an e-mail like that once too. *sigh*

 

but it wasn't so bad. he basically said the same thing... he asked me out after our first date (but then we were both traveling for the holidays). when I came back, I hadn't heard from him, so on the advice on the enotaloners I e-mailed him and asked if he still wanted to meet. he wrote back saying that he thought I was great, but that he met someone (in real life, at a christmas party) that he hit it off with "better than he could have imagined." but he said he thought I was awesome and that he hoped I met someone awesome also.

 

it was a pretty nice e-mail. I definitely didn't feel angry or anything towards him. just glad that he let me down gently.

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yeah, I got an e-mail like that once too. *sigh*

 

but it wasn't so bad. he basically said the same thing... he asked me out after our first date (but then we were both traveling for the holidays). when I came back, I hadn't heard from him, so on the advice on the enotaloners I e-mailed him and asked if he still wanted to meet. he wrote back saying that he thought I was great, but that he met someone (in real life, at a christmas party) that he hit it off with "better than he could have imagined." but he said he thought I was awesome and that he hoped I met someone awesome also.

 

it was a pretty nice e-mail. I definitely didn't feel angry or anything towards him. just glad that he let me down gently.

 

Hey Annie,

 

You know this is like the third time this has happened to me. Even though I did not have romantic chemistry for this guy I met on Tuesday, It makes me wonder when I will be someone's first choice.

 

It's a bit disheartening finishing second each time--when, I really want to be someone's first choice.

 

I guess that comes with dating, though.

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BigHair....( I love that name BTW)...

 

I met someone once at work....I felt no "spark" or chemistry....but we talked for a long time...and he was extremely nice and respectful. We set up a date..and when the date rolled around I didn;t really feel like going. I was going to cancel...when he called. I decided to go out with him because I had no other plans anyway, and figured I'd kill some time.

 

We went out....had a great time.

I realized he was a lot of fun....

 

He called again....we went out again.....

On our one month anniversary of "dating"..he sent me flowers.

 

We dated for 10 months and he proposed to me.....we were married 5 months later.....this was 8 years ago...and we were married for 5 years. I still consider him an incredibly wonderful man.

 

Anyway.....the point to my story is..sometimes sparks are NOT immediate.

This man MAY or may NOT be someone you will date long term...but so what? Just go out and have fun......what do you have to lose?? Be open to

the possibilities.....you just never know.

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Hey Annie,

 

You know this is like the third time this has happened to me. Even though I did not have romantic chemistry for this guy I met on Tuesday, It makes me wonder when I will be someone's first choice.

 

It's a bit disheartening finishing second each time--when, I really want to be someone's first choice.

 

I guess that comes with dating, though.

 

Hi Hoss -

 

Yeah..I totally feel you. I'd like to know when I won't be someone's consolation prize. Dating sucks sometimes. But, I guess you just have to have a thick skin and not take any of this personally.

 

Dating is such a tough thing to do. All those feelings on edge, wondering if it's going to work out. When things go great, the feelings are wonderful, when they fall apart, it's like the world went dark. And we do it again and again and again.

 

We humans are a strange species.

 

Yeah...I feel really anxious sometimes now that I"m dating again. It's the old "does he like me, will he call me again, why didn't he ask me out for a 2nd date when we had a great 1st date."

 

Actually I'd rather get an email like that than to end up wondering why people suddenly fell off the face of the earth.

 

But yea - this dating thing is hard! And *sigh*

 

It's a new week ahead!

 

Yes, dating can be very difficult. My LTR wasn't working but I miss the predicability of it. You just don't have that when you first get together with someone. People are so unpredictable. I have had great first dates and I get home and change my mind. So, I know some ofthese men I have met recently go thru the same thing.

 

BigHair....( I love that name BTW)...

 

 

 

Anyway.....the point to my story is..sometimes sparks are NOT immediate.

This man MAY or may NOT be someone you will date long term...but so what? Just go out and have fun......what do you have to lose?? Be open to

the possibilities.....you just never know.

 

I know this is true sometimes...the spark isn't there from the beginning and it could take a couple of dates. But, I am just not attracted to this man...I did not find him to be particularly handsome, and I feel bad about that.

 

I could have a 2nd date but I don't know that I want to take the time to do it.

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Unfortunately the way most people think they are letting someone down easy really is letting them down hard. If you tell someone that you really like them, or they are really cool, but you just aren't looking for someone right now, or whatever excuse you can come up with... well... you're really going to make things difficult for yourself.

 

In the perfect world this is all you would have to do and then the person would shrug there shoulders and say, "Hey, I understand!" and move on. Unfortunetly what really happens is that the person will take your excuse to heart, think that you really do like them but the timing is off. Then they hang around and keep trying to win you back over. It's a vicious cycle.

 

The best way to let someone down easy is to be BRUTALLY honest. Tell them flat out that it's not going to work now, and it's not going to work ever. Then cut off contact and don't play the sympathy thing and try to contact them at a later time to make sure everything is cool. People are dense when it comes to things like this and when you contact them again they start thinking maybe you changed your mind.

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[

quote=DiggityDogg;1266503

 

The best way to let someone down easy is to be BRUTALLY honest. Tell them flat out that it's not going to work now, and it's not going to work ever. Then cut off contact and don't play the sympathy thing and try to contact them at a later time to make sure everything is cool. People are dense when it comes to things like this and when you contact them again they start thinking maybe you changed your mind.

Hi, I agree and disagree w. what you have written here.

 

I only had one date w. this guy...at a STarbucks on Sunday afternoon. We don't have enough history to warrant anything more than an email that says I can't reciprocate the interest.

 

The dynamic you're describing happens when there is something more to the rel. A few dates, phone calls, and than you can have this type of honesty with them.

 

And, I wouldn't reach out to someone who I only had a few dates with just to "check in on them." I have done it w. my ex since we dated for 7 years.

 

I think it's ok to be honest but decent about it. Everyone hates rejection. So, i'm going to find a mature, kind way of letting this guy know that I'm not interested in pursuing the match further.

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Hi, I agree and disagree w. what you have written here.

 

I only had one date w. this guy...at a STarbucks on Sunday afternoon. We don't have enough history to warrant anything more than an email that says I can't reciprocate the interest.

 

The dynamic you're describing happens when there is something more to the rel. A few dates, phone calls, and than you can have this type of honesty with them.

 

And, I wouldn't reach out to someone who I only had a few dates with just to "check in on them." I have done it w. my ex since we dated for 7 years.

 

I think it's ok to be honest but decent about it. Everyone hates rejection. So, i'm going to find a mature, kind way of letting this guy know that I'm not interested in pursuing the match further.

 

 

If you barely know the person, yes, a email or cell call will usually suffice. I was more referring to someone that you are around a lot and whom continues to be around after the rejection.

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Having been in a situaion like this recently, I would say the best thing to do is go out with him again, just once. Just to make sure there is nothing there. At least then you will know for sure, and you'll know what your doing is right. Even then, at the end, if he asks you out again, just be honest and tell him.

Otherwise tell him as soon after you decide, if there is still nothing. You may as well give it a chance, just as long as it doesn't turn into stringing him along!

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i don't quite understand something..... if you met him online, didn't you see a photo first? so wouldn't you have had a general idea if he was attractive or not?

 

i think that chemistry and looks aren't the best basis of a romantic relationship. things can get hot and heavy and fizzle out quickly. I think ultimately, a good relationship will have to be based on mutual respect and kindness and a good matching of personalities. looks are a plus, but looks fade.

 

I know my mom initially felt that way about my dad when they were set up on a blind date. she wasn't interested, she thought he was nice and a good man, but she wasn't interested in him - thought he was a nerd. her sister convinced her to just give him another chance, so she did, and they were married for a long time, until his death.

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i don't quite understand something..... if you met him online, didn't you see a photo first? so wouldn't you have had a general idea if he was attractive or not?

 

i think that chemistry and looks aren't the best basis of a romantic relationship. things can get hot and heavy and fizzle out quickly. I think ultimately, a good relationship will have to be based on mutual respect and kindness and a good matching of personalities. looks are a plus, but looks fade.

 

 

Annie - I did see a photo of him first, and to be honest, I wasn't blown away by his looks. So, because photos don't reveal much about a person, I decided to give it a chance since I enjoyed reading his profile.

 

I still didn't feel that physical attraction with this person.

 

Of course, looks aren't everything, and that is not what is going to keep a relationship going. but, i think that initial chemistry helps, and for men, keeps them interested in seeing women beyond the first date.

 

it doesn't matter anyway. i emailed him and told him i couldn't reciprocate and we wished each other well.

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