17 and crying

[kiasuten]

I joined eNotAlone today because it's my birthday. I turned 17 today... and I'm having a lot of trouble with life.

 

It's my senior year of high school. Yeah, I know it's going to be hard and stuff... and I can handle it, or so I thought.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 10 months (11 on Oct. 25!!) and he's truly my everything... my family situation sucks (my dad's been in and out of prison since forever, my mom lost custody after getting divorced from my step dad about 4 years ago and she'd been too obsessed with herself to care, my baby brother is staying with his brainwashing dad, and my other brother and i are living with my dad's parents... my grandparents were cool when we only came over one weekend, but now when we moved in, they started to show their true colors-- they didn't want us there, only took us to rub it in my mom's face, and they definitely hate me because i remind them of the woman who supposedly ruined their son's life)

 

So yeah, there's my background. The problem I have today...

 

My boyfriend and our best friend took me to the mall today, and they were going to buy me stuff for my birthday. I was happy, too, because even though my family didn't remember my birthday (I didn't really care), my boyfriend's family did. They got me a cake before I left, and we took pictures, they sung Happy Birthday, and they smooshed cake all over my face. It was cool. But after I got to the mall, I got all depressed and sad.

 

It's my birthday, I shouldn't be sad. So while my boyfriend and friend went into a store that I wasn't interested in, I said I'd sit and wait. I ended up crying, and my boyfriend started feeling really bad.

 

So from 11 am to about 6 pm I cried maybe... 4 times. And I don't know why.

 

I really love this guy. People in school, who I knew since I moved here, told me that I looked almost suicidal in 9th and 10th grades (and I was, to be honest, but shhhhhh) but in 11th grade, when I met him, people said I changed... I got really happy and people noticed that change. Even my best friend told me that my boyfriend changed... he was so unfeeling, he looked nonchalant and just bored all the time... but now that we're together, he laughs and he looks genuinely happy.

 

But I cry a lot, and he doesn't know what to do. He says it kills him everytime he sees me cry, and he begs me to stop, but I just can't. Today was the first time he cried because I cried... and I had it stuck in my head, and I told him, the day you cry because of me is the day we break up, because i can't bear to see you all broken up like that.

 

We have amazing communication skills, but it's hard to communicate why I'm crying to him if I don't know why I'm crying. I know if we break up, I'll cry more than I already do, and with my past depressions I'm starting to think that I could possibly end up suicidal.

 

I just want some opinions on what could be wrong with me. Teenage hormones? Girl hormones? HELP ME PLEASE.

[shikashika]

Happy birthday !!

 

It sounds like you have a lovely boyfriend! Can you tell him what you just wrote here?

 

You sound like a very strong-minded person, much more so than people twice your age!

[DN]

Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

You are crying for the same reason everyone cries. Because you are hurt. And your family has hurt you - the very people who are supposed to be loving and protective to you.

 

And the fact that you have a boyfriend and surrogate family who show you the love and concern your own family is supposed to show you underlines the fact that they don't.

 

Don't be afraid to acknowledge that you have been hurt - and tell your boyfriend that it is not him that makes you cry but the fact that his love and concern for your happiness contrast with what you have been missing.

 

If you and he understand why you cry - it will mean you can lean on him for support and he will be able to offer it without thinking you are crying because he has done something wrong.

[Juliana]

With a family background like yours, expect yourself to have moments when you sit and cry. It isn't necessary to attach them to anything, although that might come and you might someday know why. It's okay to feel sadness. It's part of life, and it will pass. You will not break up with your boyfriend just because you are sometimes sad. These years may be very difficult and emotional for you as you transition out of the painful family life into a better life you choose for yourself. Many people have difficult childhoods with dysfunctional people, and can sympathize with you because they also have pain. You are loved now, you are safe with the people who love you. You are beginning to have better experiences in your life. This doesn't mean you will magically transform into Super Happy Girl who never tears up when people make a fuss about her on her birthday. It means that when the sadness comes, you can look forward to the time when it passes. I used to always cry in malls and grocery stores; they're soulless. Then I started wearing my IPod when I went shopping; I do better with my own soundtrack.

[kiasuten]

Wow, I feel like crying now. But it'll be a happy cry.

 

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful replies.

 

To shikashika: Thanks fo My boyfriend is pretty lovely And yeah, I can tell him what I wrote here. Thanks for the compliment.

 

To DN: Thanks for your reply. I didn't think I'd still cry if I told myself that I don't care anymore... I honestly don't care what they do. I can't change the way they act, I can only change how I react and how I use that to be better than them... so why can't I move past it?

 

To Juliana: Thanks for reassuring me that I won't be automatically happy for admitting that I'm being treated better now, although my dysfunctional life before was screwed up and affects me in a bad way.

 

Thanks everyone,

 

Kiasuten