My situation..still confused

[goodguy78]

i have recently started speaking with my ex again after almost 5 mths. She has changed and so have I. After some confusion on both of our parts as to whether she was playing games with me, last night we had a talk.

 

She told me that she did want to be with me and wanted to see where this went. At the same time, she says she's not ready for a relationship. At this point, we are currently "talking". She did say one thing that i did not like though and that was she still wants to be free to flirt with other guys. She doesn't want to date them, have sex with them, or anything...just flirt. I have a problem with this. I mean i know we are "talking" and she is not technically my girlfriend but i am afraid that she will find someone else that she likes.I have expressed this desire and she told me that it will not happen and that she is interested in anyone else. She did also tell me that it was just a "phase" and that she is a jealous person. I told her what if i did it to you and she said of course she would get mad and retaliate and i told her that that was NOT a good idea (because i would win). She told me the best thing to do if i am jealous is to be jealous and get mad and that would help her through the phase.

 

I think she does this because she wants to see if i REALLY like her or if i just want her for one thing. I do like her and i have told her that but she has such a low self esteem that she finds it hard to believe. That's one problem..

 

The other problem is that i feel bad because i have been helping her out when i can. At this point, she has $35 to her name to last for two weeks and i hate the fact that i eat in front of her and she has no food...so of course i buy her some...i dont know if i should be doing that as some friends of mine have said that she might be using me. On top of that, we are just "talking" not going out or anything...The only thing that i ever buy her is food..nothing else..though there was one time she had to go to the hospital and was diagnosed with having a panic attack and bronchitis. I paid for her medicine because she did not have the money. Her mom is currently in a nursing home and her dad is deceased. The rest of her family doesn't and won't help her out because i guess they are selfish.. I really don't know what to do about this whole situation and i am so confused. Should i be spending ANY money on her considering she is not my girlfriend? And what about the flirting and jealousy issue? Drowning..help!!

[majord23]

I think she does this because she wants to see if i REALLY like her or if i just want her for one thing.

 

If this is true, then she *is* playing games. Personally, I don't think it's true though - and this is what you hope is happening...because you want to be able to diagnose a problem and treat it.

 

Bottom line - she says that she wants to be with you, what actions is she taking to work towards this?

 

To me it sounds like a case of her wanting to have her cake and eat it too. You have no guarantees from her, no promises - just the prospect of hanging out with her and wondering if she is about to take off. I wouldn't settle for it mate - you deserve better.

[goodguy78]

So far the only thing that i have seen her do is that fact that we hang out alot. She comes and spends just about every night at my place though she doesn't have to because she has her own. I don't even ask..she just comes. She said that she wanted to take things really slow because things went too fast last time and she is very sensative and at the time i had a bad temper.

 

She told me that she doesn't want to go through that again and i respect that, but i did tell her the same thing that she wants to be able to have her cake and eat it too. She didn't really say anything. However, she caught me looking at some chick at walmart and she got mad..i mean she was ticked! and she said that i disrespected her. I told her well if you get that mad when i just look at girl, how would you feel if i flirted with one? She told me like crap. My response was well maybe then you shouldn't be flirting with other people then.

 

I have asked her what does she do to contribute to this and she told me well i do hang out with you alot because i like you and your company..nice, but i'm sorry that only goes so far..She does flirt with me as well and she does tell me she likes me so I dont know...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sigh. I wish someone can explain to me why nice guys always run after the selfish and troubled women and ignore the kind and sincere women.

 

This woman is using you. It is okay for her to flirt but she would retaliate if you did it. This is not a nice woman. There are a lot of women out there who latch on to men for the free ride. She sounds like one of them. You can't fix her because she doesn't want to fix herself. She wants you on a string paying for her meals etc, while she plays the field. I would say keep her out of your life, she is trouble.

[goodguy78]

the bad thing is is that i can't even say that because she never ASKED for it, i offered to buy her food..but since we have dated in the past, i know her financial situation. That's what sucks. i will take that in mind though and see how it goes. I will see her in the next few hrs..

[majord23]

Sigh. I wish someone can explain to me why nice guys always run after the selfish and troubled women and ignore the kind and sincere women.

 

lol, true.

 

goodguy - I agree with Crazyaboutdogs (not just the part I've quoted, the entire post).

 

Your ex says things to absolve herself of guilt.

She says that she doesn't want a relationship - she can now refer back to that whenever you push for a relationship.

 

She says that she wants to be able to flirt with other guys - she can now use that as an excuse to do just that.

 

She has basically created a situation whereby she has your 'permission' to behave any way she likes because she has informed you of her intentions. She can respond with "But I told you before....". Nice for her, huh?

 

You are setting yourself up for some major tension and heartache bro.

 

Think about couples that reconcile. When they sit down for 'the chat' to discuss just how they're going to go about it, do you think either of them says: "I do want to be with you but I don't want a relationship and I want to be able to flirt with other people, ok?".

 

I mean, come on goodguy - this girl os obviously not right for you at the moment and you are just prolonging the pain. She is dictating the terms of your *ahem* 'reconciliation' and not one of her conditions appears to be aimed towards you guys getting back together.

[FortunateOne]

Goodguy78, (Or should I say Mr. Selfish Knight In shinning Armor)

 

Look, Crazyaboutdogs has it right about her. She is using you. She has many psycologicals issues to deal with since she needs validation from all the attention she needs from flirting. It keeps her on top of her manipulative game. But enough about her.

 

You too have issues. You get your validation from being needed by a psycological projects. Hmm! Notice that you start by being a "good guy" self perception and later complain about not being appraciated. Do you really believe that you can change people for the better? Wow! Talk about being narcissistic. There no way you can change anyone. The only way people can develop a healthy life is to change themselves. I think you need to stop dating for a while and reasses the why of what you want to be in relationship life. You really need to figure out that healthy women want healthy men and on how to achieve this state of being. This is the only way an unselfish caring woman will ever truly love you.