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Relationship Barriers


VeganBohemian
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Hey all.

 

I know I post stupid issue I have about my boyfriend that don't really matter lol. But, I would like input on some things that I have been thinking about for a while now. This might become a long post...but if you read and respond, it would be greatly appreciated!

Normally when I post problems on eNotalone, I am in the midst of an emotional breakdown haha. But, not today. I am at work actually. My emotions are stable and my thinking is lucid and clear.

 

 

So...my boyfriend. We have a seemingly great relationship, but some things have been bugging me lately that I would like some honest input on.

 

 

When we first got together, the reason we were attracted to one another is because we both got a sense from one another that we were kind of odd and non-conformist types. We are both really chill and don't argue with anyone most of the time and got along with each other from the get go, give or take a few tiffs (mostly caused by me, not him). We have been going out for a year and a month and have indirect plans to live together when he graduates, get engaged, and get married. We are both fairly serious about this, even though we rarely have serious talks. It has been mentioned quite often and we both agree that we have a special connection and relationship. Enough of the mushy stuff for now.

Despite our love for one another, I have some doubts that I have rarely expressed to him. The reasons being: One, I fear I am wrong and overreacting. Two, I don't want to lose him unless I am sure it is for the best. Three, I don't want him to take things I say to mean I don't love him or want to be with him.

Here are my concerns

 

1. He is not flexible.

 

 

He doesn't know how to adjust his schedule to accommodate life's details. He doesn't even have friends really because of his strictness about school and also his anti-sociality.

 

He doesn't try and make time to see me as much as I would like a boyfriend to because he is very task-oriented. For example, if he has something due for school on Tuesday, he will start freaking out about it on Saturday. This makes him antsy and makes me feel unwanted because he gets jumpy (I know it's weird). I'll stay over his house Friday and by Saturday night he is saying I should go because he has work to do. Although, I will stay over Saturday sometimes.

 

This isn't one of those things where he just doesn't want to see me either. I used to think that, but now I know that isn't true. Over the summer (when he had no work to do) I stayed at his house for 6 or 7 days at a time with no objections from him. We had a blast. It is just that his work takes over his mind. He cannot relax or have fun knowing that on Sunday he will have to do homework. thereforeeee, Saturday we can't seem to have any fun together.

Another thing that goes along with this is that he never sees me during the week. From Sunday morning - Friday morning I do not see him at all unless we make plans to meet each other before class to kiss each other lol. That is about it. This is mainly because 2 days out of the school week are definite no-gos because we have two night classes. Mine is 7pm-10pm on Monday night...so that rules that day out. He has one Thursday, but his class is only until 9:15. That is still too late though. Wednesday is a good day since he gets out at 6pm and I have no classes, but he always has work to do. He cannot do his work if I am there. He does have ADD although I don't think that is why. He is just very task-oriented and can only focus on one thing at a time. I try to be understanding about that.

 

His determination for school is also a reason I love him though. I am proud of him and always give me support. He has a 3.8 GPA and is in the top 10 percent of his class. I am willing to sacrifice time spent with him in order for him to achieve his goals. But, most of the time I know he is not actually doing work, just mentally relaxing prior to doing it and if I am there then he is distracted. I feel discluded and a nuisance even though he doesn't say those things.

 

Something had to change in his priorities because he used to see me during the week. Last year, I saw him Wednesday night and sometimes Thursday night. We both love Project Runway and Top Chef and used to watch them together on Wednesday nights. We both have an extra class this semester, so I am trying to be understanding. I still think it is odd that he can't see me at night because he has class the next day. His classes this year are not even early. He needs to relax. What's going to happen when he has a real job??

 

2. Differences in relationship expectations/ life outlook/ values:

 

We do have similar values in terms of what we consider right and wrong. We are both agnostic, anti-social types. We do not dress up or buy expensive clothes. We don't talk on the phone with friends all the time and neither of us is materialistic in terms of buying stuff. We always talk about how our apartment would be barren with the exception of a big TV and weird art lol.

 

However, we differ in some major ways that sometimes cause me to doubt our ultimate compatibility. He doesn't really view sex as being an expression of love.

He views it more so for the tangible aspects of it. He watches way too much porn and sometimes carries that mentality over into our sex life. He doesn't mean to, I know. He just isn't romantic. Sometimes he is though and that confuses me. His changes in behavior indicate that he must change his actions in response to when I do something or act in a way to bring that out in him.

 

He doesn't include my friends or family in his life and I don't include his either. But, I want to. I want to get to know his dad. I only met him twice in the year we have been together. I want him to know my mom and dad and friends. This doesn't seem to happen and I believe it is because of him. His future aspirations always just include him and me. They do not take into consideration our families.

 

3. Do I know the real him?

 

He isn't open about his feelings and keeps a lot of his problems hidden, past problems and present ones. I also do not know a lot about his previous relationships.

 

Also, if he is really upset about something and I can tell, then he will talk about it because I will ask him. But, unless I prod him, he isn't big on disclosure. He views his problems as being bothersome to me and thinks that he shouldn't complain. I don’t think he gets that relationships serve on levels beyond just having fun together and being happy ALL the time. There are times when a partner may need a shoulder to cry on…but I seem to be the only one embracing that aspect of our relationship.

 

I am the first person he has trusted with his heart in...basically forever. I will not give up on our relationship at the drop of a hat. He has been abandoned so many times and I think these issues are really just a biproduct of him being knocked down so many times. I do believe he will come out of it. But, in the mean time, it is difficult to communicate with him about issues.

 

There are other things, but these are the major barriers existing right now. Any thoughts?

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If these issues are important enough to you that you are posting here and having second thoughts, then you need to talk about them to him. None of them sound unreasonable to me. You need to communicate with your boyfriend though. If you can't do this, how will you handle problems when progress through your relationship? He won't be able to completely change everything about himself, but you two can work on compromises that make you both happy. Good luck!

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would guess that a lot of this will change when he gets a "real job" and doesn't have to work outside the office. The problem is can you wait until he graduates to find out?

 

I also think some of your "problems" is that you are both learning to have a relationship. I made loads of mistakes in my early ones because I hadn't had any before and didn't know how to behave.

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I hate when I see him at school and he acts as though I am discluded from his life. I feel as though he is more important to me than I am to him. He also never really cares to know my friends and family or what I am like aside from just being at his house.

 

This problem is not just him though---it is me also. I also disclude HIM from my friends and family. I keep all of the dimensions of my life: friends/roommate, family, and him completely separate. He has only met my family once and he casually knows my roommate, but has never spent any time with her besides just bringing me back to my apartment. He has only been inside my apartment a couple of times...because of me, not him. I don't know how to communicate with him in front of others because our style of communication doesn't really work around others. Sorry if I am not making sense.

 

My family and roommate also embarrass me a little...not to sound mean. My roommate is very dirty and hyper and always keeps our apartment a MESS. That embarrasses me. My mother and father treat me like a baby and they are soo traditional.

 

Basically, I think him and I have gotten into this pattern of only seeing each other in ONE environment. We are not included in each others live beyond this...seeing each other on weekends, having sex, having great talks, saying "I love you", cuddling, and watching tv. What about the bad sides of me? What about the other dimensions of our lives??? Should they not matter??

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