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need some help - feeling so low


adelaida
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Hi, I have never been on a forum like this before - I dont even use the computer much - its my daughters, but I have been feeling quite desperate, and dont know who i can talk to.

 

My husband of 12 years left me 7 weeks ago, and I am absolutely devastated. Everyone thinks - and tells- that I am doing so well, but inside I am falling apart. I cant stop thinking about him, and him being with someone else tears me apart, (he is now seeing a much younger woman) I really dont want this to turn into a slagging off my ex session, as the thing is, I know it was hard for him too, and I suppose if he didnt love me, he did the right thing in leaving. he is trying to be reasonable, and so am I. We have a daughter, and the most important thing is that he maintains his realtionship with her. He is agood father, and adores her. He is being more than raesonable about finances (we are not well off, but he has agreed that we stay in the house, and he is paying the mortgage, which I know is a struggle for him.)

 

So you see i am really quite lucky, as break ups go, we are working hard to make this one as smooth as possible, and I know I really have nothing to complain about . The thing is, I feel like I cant face the rest of my life without him by my side - its like the main event of my life has finished, and everything else is just the B movie. I came really close to taking my life after he left, and mostly I think I am past that now, but I still have really low times, and feel so pointless and useless.

 

when he left, he said that he still cares about me, but he hasnt loved me for 10 years, and has not found me physically attractive for all that time. I feel really angry that he let me go on all that time, I could have been looking to start a new life 10 years ago, now I am nearly 40 and he is with a girl in her twenties!

 

The thing is, I loved him throughout the whole of the marriage, I never stopped looking forward to him coming home, he was always the first person I wanted to share anything with, and I always thought he was great looking, and was attracted to him. I thought we were soul mates,I never met another man that came close. I felt we could always talk about anything, but when he left he said that he has never been able to talk to me.and has not felt that we were 'close' for years.... Its as if we spent the last 10 years in different universes - his view of the time we spent together is so different to mine, now I feel taht all the lovely memories I have of the time we spent together, bringing up our gorgeous daughter are all false, and that he has taken away my past as well as my future and wasted 12 years of my life.

 

my day to day life is moving on, I go through the days much as before. I go to work, go out with my daughter. I have even been away to visit some realtives on my own - and booked a holiday. so it looksas if everything is fine. but its not

 

I feel such a failure, compared to my circumstances, some people have a really rough time, with spiteful , even violent exes - here I am, able to keep my home, I have a good job, a fantastic daughter, I can see taht I just need to let him go, and move on, but I am ashamed to admit that it is too hard. I have managed to get by by not speaking to him at all - everything is done by e-mail, which he has respected (he doesnt call me to discuss arrangements) even seeing his car in the street, or hearing afriend mention his name upsets me.

 

Im sorry, Im just going on and on like an idiot. I dont really know what kind of help I expect, I guess I just want someone to talk about it to

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Welcome to the forum.

You're definitely in the right place!

I'm sorry you're hurting and that he's gone off with another woman.

 

At 7 weeks you're still in the heaviest part of your recovery, but hopefully you've gotten past some shock and pain. I can assure you it gets better as time passes. I'm at 13 months since being dumped from a 25 year marriage, and life has improved immensely.

 

I doubt your marriage was an illusion, but I know how your senses and beliefs can shatter in an instant. Above all else, don't turn his folly into a judgement of your own self-worth. Fine people find themselves alone, and blaming your behavior or appearance is a trap that wastes way too much energy. If you find some flaw in yourself, it may not ever matter to some future guy or to yourself.

 

Staying away from him for the time being will let you focus on healing. Many people here recommend ending all contact with an ex in order to tune out painful distractions and heal. In your case, your daughter needs her father and you probably have much to communicate about. Email is a wonderful way to keep things civil.

 

You need to take care of your health and not try to solve everything in your life right now. Be gentle to yourself and let time pass without any more drama than you have.

 

A few months will make life a whole lot brighter.

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So terribly sorry to your pain Adelaida. Everyone in this forum is going through tough break up I assume not all can imagine what you're going through because you're talking about 12 years of marriage and a daughter together. I must say that I do in some level feel your pain as I too lost a marriage a few years ago and we also have a daughter.

 

I do not want to fill up this forum with my story and advise, so should you need to find comfort from another mother, please do not hesitate to IM me.

 

Thoughts and prayers to you and your daughter.

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Hi there,

 

As dako said, 7 weeks is still very early. I'm so sorry, it doesn't really help at this stage to compare yourself with others and see how 'lucky' you are comparatively, your world has been ripped apart and you are in shock/grieving for your lost marriage.

 

It sounds like you are doing really well - keeping going with things and not going under, despite the temptation. Do you feel you have sufficient supports in your life? Let people help you - allow yourself to talk, to grieve. Don't feel you have to be 'strong' all the time.

 

Please keep posting - there is always someone here who will be able to talk to you, listen to you, offer some thoughts, and generally just be here for you.

 

Take care.

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thanks to you all for posting back - it was really great to log on again and find there really are people out there!.

 

I have had a bit of a bad day today, , just feeling really low, I didnt mention before, but my father died 2 weeks after my ex left, and I realised today, that I went through the funeral in a fog, and hadnt even thoughtt about him until now. We wernt close - we were estranged when I was a teenager (really dysfunctional family!) but I was suddenly hit today by the big ''if only things had been different'' thing - Thinking about what his life really meant, and wondering if he ever regretted cutting me out of it. I missed him when I was growing up, and I wondered if he ever missed me -

 

I am really close to my ex's family, and they were close to my father, but my ex didnt even offer to go to the funeral with me. He says that it was because he thought it would be too hard for me- and I suppose hes right.

 

My brother has just moved to New York as well, its not until I was writing it down here that I realised there is a kind of pattern going on.... ''would any men in my life please make an orderly queue at the door...'' it actually seems quite funny that I hadnt noticed that before!

 

the other day a male friend (to whom I have started to feel quite close, but I think its a rebound thing) came round in the evening ''to cheer me up'' he had been out for a drink with my ex, and stupidly told me some stuff that had been said - I got really upset, practically hysterical, but it was late, and he has a wife and family, and he had to leave me crying on the floor. looking at the pattern which I have spotted, I can see now why I got so upset when I had to watch him walk out. I dont think I could stand to watch someone else leave.

 

I mentioned that I am close to my exes family - his sister, and sister in law have been really supportive - not being judgmental about him, but being there for me as well, and his mum is just so lovely (my own mum died 11 years ago, and she is like a mother to me) but I know she is finding it hard, she loves us both, and really wants us to get back together, but at the end of the day, he is her son, and I think she finds it difficult to talk to me right now, which is hard, because I have always been able to talk to her about anything. They have all made it clear that I am still part of their family, even though me and H are no longer a couple, and they have said that they dont think it would be appropriate for him to take his new partner home for christmas this year (I'm not stupid, I realise it will happen eventually, and I cant expect his family to ostrasize her but it gives me a bit of emotional breathing space.) I was panicking about christmas, because I knew there was no way I could cope with being with my daughter without him, and I couldnt bear the thought of her not having a good time, so I asked her father to have her over christmas, at his mums - without his new woman and he agreed.

luckily my brother invited me to spend christmas with him and his wife in New York, so I guess that will help take my mind off things ( I have never been to the states before - or travelled that far on my own - quite scary!) and my daughter and I will have our own 'christmas' at new year. I am dreading spending christmas without her though- but I think its the best - she will have a fantastic time surrounded by family (lots of cousins and aunties and uncles)

 

sorry to go on and on again - Its such a releif to find this place where I can talk - generally when people ask me how I am, I just say I'm doing fine - I would be really grateful for any replies - thanks for listening

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