You'll hate me for this, that's ok :(

[Spacey]

I've been stupid. I've fallen in love with an unavailable man. Seems to be a common theme on these boards, and I can't believe I was stupid enough to get myself into this situation.

 

5 months ago I was at the end of a 5 year relationship, and had a 'crush' on my boss (yep that's right, he's my boss). Nothing happened for the first 6 months of us knowing eachother. He got engaged at the end of last year.

 

In May we had a company night out, we had a few drinks, flirted quite a lot and ended up kissing. I was still with my boyfriend at the time, but broke up with him soon after. I knew if I could do that to him, and have such strong feelings for someone else, then it wasn't right. It was wrong of me to start something up while still with him, but I broke it off at the first opportunity. I have never cheated on him, or anyone else in my whole life, and I'm ashamed when I think of what I did.

 

Anyway, my boss and I started seeing eachother, maybe once every couple of weeks, at first just kissing and fooling around, then it developed into the most intense sexual relationship either of us has ever experienced. It wasn't just sex, though, and while I hear most of you say 'yeah, right', we get along so well as mates, we have a similar sense of humour and just have a great time together. He said his fiance just isn't interested in sex (again I can almost see you guys rolling your eyes).

 

So it continued for a few months, up until a few weeks ago, when he said he would try to get away for a few hours one weekend to come over. I said no, because I'm tired of him trying to get away, something coming up and me sitting around waiting for him. I went out instead, and he texted me all afternoon wanting to know if I had pulled another guy. We needed to talk.

 

So we talked the other week, he said he needed to make a decision, that he views the 2 situations as separate- with her it works, and is comfortable and he loves her, with me it's exciting. That's not to say it couldn't be everything it is with her with me (if that makes sense). I said to him that sex isn't everything in a relationship, as many couples with differeing sex drives get along just fine, but if it's that important to you that you look outside the relationship for it, then it's a problem. He said his relationship is so much more than that.

 

So he was going to make a decision. I'm not very good at sitting around and waiting for things to happen, and I believe that he was going to decide to go through with the wedding. I texted him yesterday saying that I believe the right decision for him can't be forced, and that I'll think he'll figure it out eventually but unfortunately it will probably be too late. I said I was moving on. He contacted me in the afternoon with general chit chat but I asked him not to contact me outside work as I need to move on. He said he understood, but it's a shame we can't be mates. I said it was a shame he isn't strong enough to take a chance.

 

Now I know what I did was selfish and without regard for his relationship. My only excuse is that I love him with every fibre of my being, and I beieve the only way I can condone him cheating is if he met someone with whom he fell in love (he told me he loved me) and it was a confusing situation for him. I understand how hard it would be to call off a wedding, especially as they are both English and have everyone coming from overseas, plus I know he loves his fiance, even if he isn't 'in love' with her.

 

But I believe that if he felt strongly enough about me the only decision he would be making right now would be deciding the right time to call off the wedding. Not whether we wanted to be with me at all. Because if he loves us both, of course he's going to choose her- the wedding plans are well under way, she is a safer option. The fact that he can tell me he loves me and still marry her tells me a lot about how weak he is.

 

So anyway it's over, and I'm hurting. I'm not expecting sympathy but really it's the worst kind of pain because I can't tell anyone, and I know I brought it on myself. I also know that he loves me, but we wont ever be together.

 

I know I'll be fne, but I sit literally 2 metres away from him at work and it's so hard to forget about him when he is right there, I can smell his aftershave and I just think about what could have been. But I've made his decision for him. I think that he needs to have life without me in it, then maybe it'll dawn on him what he really wants. But as I said, it will probably be too late. I need to open myself up to meeting someone new, someone available.

 

So anyway that's my sad little story. If anyone has words of advice or has otten through a similar situation I would appreciate hearing from you.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hey there,

 

Get another job, that's my best advice to you. Just forget about him, move out of there and move on.

 

The pain will ease, and you will get over it. I'm not judging you - the person who is hurting the most in this situation is you right now.

 

I don't know, I've seen friends go through the same thing with married men, and I did once have a sort of fling. It never works out. Ever. Especially when it's the boss. You know this, I know this, we all know this. If someone will cheat on their wife/fiance/partner/girlfriend to be with you (and vice versa, this isn't gendered), then you will always fear they will do the same to you. Because you know they are capable of it. You have heard them lying with complete confidence, and not worrying about it.

 

You're better off out of it. But do leave where you work - it's a constant ache to face him every day. Leave and let him regret you for the rest of his life; sitting opposite him, it's just not good.

 

You can get through this - you found the strength to end it with him. Just keep going, you'll be allright.

 

Take care!

[rose2summer]

My translation:

with her it works, and is comfortable and he loves her,

Translation: I never plan on leaving her, she is the one I chose to be with, and I don't plan on breaking it off with her.

 

with me it's exciting

Hun, I never want to be harsh, I care about you so don't be offended with what I write:

Translation: You are a free drive through 7-11 mini-mart, where I can fill up as I please, and have no financial or emotional ties to you. It's just fun to have someone on the side.

 

Please see what is transpiring here. He wants to use you while he has his fiance on the side.

 

Hugs, Rose

[n83]

I agree with Honey Pumpkin that if you can, you should very seriously consider looking for another job. Rose is also right... There was never any decision to make. He probably wasn't ever intending on cancelling things with his fiance. The best way to move on is to separate from him, as much as you can, in every way.

[Caterina]

No matter the way you look at this, its going to hurt. No matter what you do. The way to make it hurt less in a permanent way is to hurt yourself more now but less later by trying to find another job. I'd look for another job, but still be cordial to him. When you find one, put in your two weeks and don't look back.

[Spacey]

Thanks for you replies.

 

He loves me- of this I'm certain. Now this isn't said from a place of being so blinded by infatuation that I can't think logically nor see his faults: I know he does. So I don't really think it's as cut and dry as your post rose2summer (although I appreciate your input!). There is a strong emotional connection between us, and I know he wasn't just using me for sex.

 

The problem is that he is weak. He isn't strong enough to break off his engagement and hurt his fiance. Which is a problem for me, in regard to the type of person he is. I said that the only way I can excuse cheating (and I mean excuse in this situation in that I still want to be with him despite this, it's not a general rule for me in relationships) is if you fall for someone else- that your feelings are so strong that you have to be with them. I think he wants to be with me but is too weak to do what needs to be done. This means that he is just someone who cheats, and the fact that he can cheat for half his engagement and still go through with it says a lot for the type of person he is.

 

So...yeah. I know it's for the best but it hurts so much! I know I'll be fine, though, I just know not to get myself in a situation like this ever again.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"and I know he wasn't just using me for sex."

 

Okay, if this was the case, why did not he choose you? If it was more than just sex, he would be able to make his choice.

"The problem is that he is weak. He isn't strong enough to break off his engagement and hurt his fiance."

 

Sorry, don't mean no disrespect here but you are making excuses for him. Sure he is strong, if he is strong enough to love you as you claim, and carry on with this affair with you, then he strong enough to make his own decisions and break off this engagement IF he wanted to. Anyhow, do you really want to be in the likes of a weak man? How is that attractive.?I wonder if he realizes how weak you feel he is.

 

We have CHOICES in life, he CHOOSES not to break the engagement, choose to stay with him finace. I do not care if she is "safe," "familair" or what have you, he is STILL choosing to be with her.

 

I am so sorry to say, you relationship was just a fanatsy, a time for him to forget his troubles, if it was more than that, he would be with you.

 

Statistically, relationships born out of affairs have a 5% chance of working out. Your entire relationship was based on lies, pretense and deciet. IMO, there is not genuiness to your relationship. If he is capable of cheating with you, then whom knows what else he is capable of? I truly feel bad for his fiance.

 

You are going to be fine. I hope you feel better soon, it is hard to lose a person we care about. Hang in there.

[n83]

Kellbell is right.. If he really loved you, there isn't any way he'd give you up, even if it meant "inconveniencing" others that are going to be attending his wedding..

[kellbell]

As far as what to do,

 

Perhaps looking for a new job. It is going to be hard to get over him being around him a lot.

 

Perhaps, take a deep look within yourself and try to figure out why you got involved with unavailable man. I have seen over and over again people on eNotAlone fall into the same pattern and date unavailable people.

[Spacey]

Hey there,

 

"and I know he wasn't just using me for sex."

 

Okay, if this was the case, why did not he choose you? If it was more than just sex, he would be able to make his choice.

 

First of all I'm not trying to be argumentative or make excuses because I really value your advice. However, he loves us both, in different ways. You can love more than one person. He's weighed up one against the other and whilst never actually told me in so many words I know he was going to choose her. Not because he doesn't love me or because he was just using me for sex, but because a) he doesn't love me enough or b) he is too weak to break her heart and call off the engagement.

[kellbell]

I am not trying to start an argument or anything, I am seeing from the outside is all.

 

I am sorry things are hard for you right now. I know you will be okay, like a mentioned before, is it plausible to look for another position?

[Spacey]

[/b]Sorry, don't mean no disrespect here but you are making excuses for him. Sure he is strong, if he is strong enough to love you as you claim, and carry on with this affair with you, then he strong enough to make his own decisions and break off this engagement IF he wanted to. Anyhow, do you really want to be in the likes of a weak man? How is that attractive.?I wonder if he realizes how weak you feel he is.

 

I understand what you are saying, but I think carrying on an affair and not being able to break it off are just signs of a very weak man. I don't think that's an excuse I'm making. He is really confused and I do feel for him, even if I recognise that there is a lot about him I wouldn't want in a relationship anyway. But you are right, weakness is not an appealing quality. The thing is, the only way I would ever want him is if he felt strongly enough about me and had the balls to call off his wedding. That's the kind of man I want, that's the kind of man he isn't.

 

The last text I sent him said 'it's a shame you aren't strong enough to take a chance'. So I think he does know that I think he's weak, but I think he would believe it's unfair of me to feel this way.

 

I don't think there's a real psychological thing at play here, I just fancied him. Not because he was unavailable, but because we connected. I just wanted him, and had him, without thinking (obviously) about any long terms ramifications of this.

 

*sigh*

[Spacey]

I am not trying to start an argument or anything, I am seeing from the outside is all.

 

I am sorry things are hard for you right now. I know you will be okay, like a mentioned before, is it plausible to look for another position?

 

 

Oh, no, I know you are offering your advice to try and help me. I just didn't want to seem that by disagreeing with your post that I was making excuses or didn't appreciate your input.

 

I am looking elsewhere, but also have to find somewhere new to live and I've got a lot happening right now, so when things settle down hopefully I can move on.

[DizzyDoris]

Spacey i really feel for you, i was in a similar situation myself not long ago.

I really felt that the attatched man i fell for was my soulmate. Reading your post now makes me feel pretty stupid as he span me exactly the same lines as you've heard!

I too decided to end the affair as it was torture, feeling second best and the guilt was unbearable for him and me. At the time i felt awful, like i'd lost a limb or something, i missed him so bad. I understand the pain you're going through. Now though, i feel proud of myself for having the courage to do the right thing. Often attattched men will never leave their partners, be thankful you got out now and didnt waste months or years waiting for this man.

Looking back now as well i can see that it wasnt love, i thought it was, but it wasnt! I dont regret what we did because it taught me an important lesson: NEVER to get involved with anyone elses man EVER again.

 

You'll get over this man, and meet someone who is free, i by chance bumped into my old boss from 10 years ago, who i always had a soft spot for, he's now going through a divorce and we have just started dating!

 

Chin up, be greatful that you had a lucky escape from this man and good luck with the jobhunting! x