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Anybody else been there?


Hmmm123
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My marriage has been dying for several years. We've become roommates, raising two children (9,14). Communication is limited to essentials. My problem is that I don't want to initiate separation/divorce, but would gladly go through with either one at his suggestion. I am not certain where he stands on 'us', but can't imagine his happiness level can be much higher than mine....How do you subtly get a spouse to decide to leave?

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My problem is that I don't want to initiate separation/divorce, but would gladly go through with either one at his suggestion.

How do you subtly get a spouse to decide to leave

 

Sounds to me like you don't want to look like the "bad guy" so you are waiting for him to initiate it so that he can look like the "bad guy". If you are that unhappy, you need to have an open discussion with him. Maybe you can fix the problems if you talk about it. Maybe not. But at least you bring it out in the open and then YOU can bring up the option of divorce. If you want out then it is up to you to initiate that conversation. To do subtle things to make the spouse leave is not right and is hurtful...and in the long run you will probably feel worse about yourself than if you just initiate things.

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welcome to enotalone.

 

Have you two tried marital counseling? If there is no abuse, no serious issues, maybe giving things another go would be good. maybe he does not know how unhappy you are? maybe if you two tried to go to counseling, you could get back some of those initial feelings.

 

good luck

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I don't know why people think divorce is so much better than marriage... Really, in a lot of cases, divorce ends up making one's life much harder if anything. He's supposed to be your best friend and confidante, right? Talk to him about what's going on. Take time out to be alone together. You can't starve the marriage and then wonder why it isn't bearing fruit, so to speak..

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I am going through the same thing right now. My wife of 9 yrs is initiating a separation which she says will help her diffuse and find herself. I deparately do not want the marriage to end, because our issues can be worked out and we have two younge children that will be hurt by this. She says she has no energy to work on the marriage, while I am trying everything.

 

My advise to you is to remember that you married your husband for a reason(s), and that you did once share a love that made you happy. Have you discussed the situation with your husband? Perhaps a quite, long dinner would be a good setting.

 

I concur w/ finding a councilor-- go alone for the first two or three sessions. You mate will join you when they find out you are going. This is a good non-confrontational way to get the ball rolling.

 

Divorce is not the answer. Everyone that I speak w/-- family members, friends-- that has been though it says they permanently regret it after a time even though the initial feeling may be that of relief and freedom. If you have children, consider that you will be speaking to your ex at least 3-4 time a week until they are 18-- how is that going to impact future relationships?

 

The short answer is that you two have more in common than your feelings are willing to let you admit right now. Try to work in out at all costs. Divorce is not the answer.

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